***Spoilers be falling through the roof, half dead and ready to deliver the fade***
Season: 6 / Episode: 5 / HBO
So yo, after Game of Thrones gave us their version of Lemonade last week by the women characters running shit and putting these lames on their back and carrying them through emotional graveyards, can we expect more of that?
Sigh. Let’s get into this shit, yo. Sansa stitching together another piece for the Spring Catalog when a raven comes from the Eyrie. And since Robin Aryn can’t write four words without having to be burped first, you know this shit came from Peter Roman Polanski Baelish. They meet in Mole’s Town (appropriate) and Littlefinger thought he was about to talk that shit till he turned around and Sansa walked in the muthafuckin room with Brienne the Dream Killer standing behind her. Yo, this is like the inverse of the Birdman and the Breakfast Club situation. Sometimes you walk into a scenario thinking you know exactly how it’s going to go, but that shit turn around on you so gotdamn quick, 30 seconds in you like, “what, what the hell is happening right now?”
Props to Sansa man. Fuck these dudes. Seriously. If you Sansa, Ned Stark should be the last fucking XY chromosome you trusted in these Westerosi Streets. If she claimed a small island off the coast, called it Themyscira and commanded her fellow women to slaughter every man that stepped foot there, who could blame her? She out here spittin’ the hot bars to Littlefinger about how he set her up with Ramsay which either makes him an idiot for not knowing about Ramsay or her enemy for knowing and sending her into the lion’s den. She DJing the party that Littlefinger wants to leave so bad.
Peter: I uh…
What do you think he did?
Peter: Well, um I imagine he–
What do you think he did?
She even sampled Brienne one time on the track when Baelish wasn’t speaking fast enough with “Lady Stark asked you a question.” Maaaan, listen. I’m assuming most of you ain’t done the shit that Littlefinger is, but we all been in a situation where we knowingly fucked up and the person who suffered because of it showed up to see us in Mole Town for the explicit purpose of collecting our fade. And you know what you did, you let that shit happen. Cuz you might be a great person, but for a moment, you ain’t shit. And for this next monologue, you ain’t gonna be shit. You just gotta take them scratches and live to dance reckless at the party another day.
Peter trying to apologize to Sansa, but she basically hits dude with “Is we finished or is we done?”
The other full blooded Stark that isn’t fucking useless is getting her training in at the House of Black and White. Yo. Bobcut has said maybe 30 words this season, but she done probably left about 35 welt marks on our girl. Gotdamn, Arya. How you let Bobcut beat the Jesus sandals off of you like that? Then she go unarmed and whoops your ass even worse? You catchin’ uppercuts? With your teeth. Assassin, please. I love Arya, but she out here letting Stick down, man.
A girl has no name doing some recon work which means she got exposed to a dude with two warts on his penis and a dude half quoting Constantin Stanislavski (I know there be dragons and shit, but keep my real world and your brutal fantasy world separate Thrones). She peeps that her target likes to get tipsy off the rum and figures that’s the best way to do the deed. She tells Not-Jacqen the plan while also saying “she seems like a decent woman.” To which Not-Jacqen drops the truest bars:
Bran catching up on his Netflix Que again and he scoping out “The Children” as they look like they about to play a really intense game of Duck-Duck-Goose. Until this heifer grabs a dagger that looks like it carved the fucking commandments and approaches a dude tied up and bare chest on a stone tablet. She pushes that shit into his chest until his eyes turn blue and the and you can hear the ice machine turn on his chest.
What in all fucks, man? How you just gonna make it snow White Walkers, yo? She talkin’ about they had to do this shit because Men were slaughtering them and burning all the trees. Man, if you thought Fox News didn’t like The Lorax when it dropped, imagine if them orange muthafuckas created ogres that started slaughtering and terrifying capitalists. This shit is all bad, fam.
Yo, I fux with the Iron Islands and Yara (Asha if you book nasty) Greyjoy is one of my favorite characters, but these bastards all standing by the sea and this shit looks like it smells like a pound full of wet animals, b. How you surrounded by this much water, but none of y’all look like you bathe regularly? It’s the King’s Moot and the Greyjoys are choosing someone for the Salt Throne. Nobody speaks up so Yara walks up in the spot like, “I got the dagger back. Papa, they said you dead and gone, so I guess I got the islands back.” Some fuckboy is like, we’ve never had a Queen. Yara like, yeah and maybe that’s why if the Great Houses are the X-Men, we are the fuckin’ Cypher of the crew. Nobody takes us seriously because our powers can be replaced by a Google Translator app on your smartphone.
Then Fuckboy #2 says Yara can’t be considered because the male heir, Theon is standing right there. Theon is like…Something, something, something, I left my member and my ambition back in the kennels of Winterfell. Yara got this shit. Seriously though, Theon is spittin’ that shit and he got the crowd on Yara’s side like B-Rabbit.
That is until Euron Greyjoy walk up in the spot with his make Pike Great Again hat on. Look, I make some stretches for comparison and analogies and shit, but how is Euron Greyjoy not fucking Donald Trump yo. Dude comes in, makes crude jokes, has misogynist behavior, and has big empty promises. I’m going to build the biggest fleet you ever seen How? Because I’ve seen the world THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I suppose you gonna make the North pay for that fleet too? And this muthafucka positions himself as an outsider because he was away when shit got rough? I’m too through man. I don’t know if Yara is Rubio or Kasich in this scenario, but when they started chanting Euron’s name, she had to be looking around like, how the fuck did I lose the primary off THAT shit?
They swearing your boy in to Drowned God, but Yara, Theon and half the damn fleet have seen enough.
What is dead may never die and what is gone when you come up for air may have taken your fucking ships. So, Yara had the popular vote and enough folks to steal a fucking fleet, but Euron won by…electoral college? Help me out, fam. Euron basically tells everyone to go home and burn down their own crib to build more ships. I can’t possibly see anything going wrong with his term on the Salt Throne.
Daenerys looking out over the lands of the Dothraki and she got the look on her face that says, “I really want to be progressive and give liberals something to cheer for, but I just can’t stop making brown people bow at my feet.” She got a dilemma with Jorah because he keep violating restraining orders to save her life. Jorah says she has to send him away because he has a future in skipping himself across ponds. Jorah confesses to being in love with her and begins to leave before Daenerys commands him to stay.
Or actually leave. And then, get better by finding a cure. From become a statue. Yeah, I’m confused too. I mean, he could just roll with her and when he petrifies, she could just put him out front of King’s Landing as a monument. I’m sayin’, you gotta work with what you’re handed, yo.
Tyrion and Varys patting themselves on the back for selling themselves out to the slavers in exchange for peace. With Daenerys not there, they still need a voice that can speak to people and keep them at bay. Tyrion’s bright idea is to get a red priestess that can come in and speak gospel to the people…until she start talking about dragons purifying the non-believers. Maaaaaan, listen. This shit went “and now my best man is going to make a speech oh shit, I didn’t realize he’s drunk, oh god he just hit on my new mother-in-law, Lord Jesus he just asked the Maid of Honor what that mouth do” plot twist real quick. Varys is mad skeptical about the priestess because he heard this shit before when Stannis was the supposed promised one. He didn’t even get to the part where he asks her how old she really is. Naw man, after seeing Melisandre go Benjamin Button, I’m asking for ID on every Red priest and priestess I see like we passed voting restriction laws in Meereen fam. Of course, that ain’t the end, cuz the priestess starts READING Varys like a gotdamn Lemonade think-piece. Shit was stressful, man. I wasn’t sure if Varys was gonna clapback at her or just curl into a ball and start sobbing at her feet…
Bran still chillin’ in the cave where the Dark Crystal be and the rest of the Gelflings. He can’t get the Three Eyed Raven to wake up, so this dude just gonna plug in his usb port and go to town. He out here walking in snow, same tree he saw Ice King Magneto’s origin story from before. He turn around and there’s a whole fucking army of dead muthafuckas behind him. Shit lookin’ like rapper’s careers immediately after they fell in love with Erykah Badu. Then Bran gets snatched up by Ice King Magneto himself and wakes up screaming in the cave. Three Eyed Raven is like, YOU HAD ONE GOTDAMN JOB BRAN! Raven says he’s gotta give Bran the cheat code real quick cuz Ice King Magneto is coming for him.
Sansa is engineering the comeback and she gotta fight to make sure these dudes ain’t talking past her. She tells Brienne that she’s sending her to River Run to gather the Tullys in their army. Brienne is like, yo, Stannis and the Red Woman, nah, I don’t like that shit.
They ’bout to ride off but not before your boy Tormund keep making heart eyes at Brienne.
For real, this shit been going on for three episodes now, Tormund got hit with the fucking thunderbolt from The Godfather.
But Brienne is like Wildling, if you don’t put those eyes back in your muthafuckin’ head. She don’t want nobody, fuckin’ with here in these streets. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
So, by “you all must leave now” apparently what the Three Eyed Raven meant was, “I guess we got time to finish this movie before Ice King Magneto gets here to hand deliver the fade.” Meera is getting them prepared to blow the spot when she notice that the temperature has dropped about 30 degrees in 10 seconds. She runs outside to see that Ice King Magneto done brought ALL the mutants with him. Gotdamn man. Uber that fucking responsive in Westeros? These dudes showed up like the cave was the only place selling the iPhone with no pre-order necessary. So I say this all the time, but for real this time, THINGS ARE AS BAD AS THEY’VE EVER BEEN.
Ice King put his mark in the snow and done cleansed the doorway of all the magic, so now they ’bout to rush the spot like SWAT. It is not a fucking game man and Bran done fell asleep watching Penny Dreadful again. They can’t get dude to wake up for shit. Outside, the homeless Princess Peach crew throwing malatovs and fireballs and shit, but they ain’t doing no damage to the starting five of White Walkers rolling up the middle. Inside, the wights penetrated the roof and these dudes making it rain zombies in the cave.
Bran Still sleep doe…
Hodor rocking back and forth like he’s either scared shitless or about to drop the hottest verse in the North, but he just waiting for his turn with the mic. Bran, in his warg, can hear Meera tell him to warg into Hodor, which he does, so that Hodor can carry him out. Princess Peach Crew dying left and right trying to ensure Bran’s escape…
…which brings me to Summer.
Okay seriously, I’m fucking done, yo. Omar said this shit when Rickon got caught, if my direwolf dies protecting me, that means I’m dead too. What the fuck is happening man?!?! Direwolves out here getting merked like characters on TV shows that aren’t cishet white dudes. I don’t understand how this is possible. Direwolves supposed to be the shit and some wights overwhelm him like that. I ain’t even a dog person like that, but I’m fed up. Fuckin’ Starks don’t deserve pets man. If Rickon ever get a PS4 and starts playing Fallout 4, if he picks dogmeat as his companion, I”m slapping the fucking controller out of his hand. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY. Forget the loyalty and nobility to a fault. The biggest fault of the Ned and Caitlin Stark was not teaching their children the value of taking care of their pets man.
Meera, Leaf and Bran driving stick shift on Hodor are running for the exit. Leaf sacrifices her self Terminator 2 style and takes some wights with her.
Three Eyed Raven gets the King’s Justice while Meera, Bran and Hodor finally make it outside. But the wights are still coming so someone gotta hold the door. Hold the Door. Man they ain’t gonna make it. Hold the Door. But Bran still in the past lookin at young Willis. Hold the Door. Meera takes the sled and starts getting away from the cave. Hold the Door. So Bran can hear Meera yelling at Hodor in the past which means that young Willis can hear it too. Hold the door. Wait. Hold the door. You mean to fucking tell me. Hold The door. Is this dude Willis seizing out? Hold the Door. That this cat stuck in the time loop? Hold the Door.
And Meera and Bran are getting away while Hold the Door getting stabbed by wights? Hold the door. Are you telling me. Hold the Door. Fucking jokes? HoldDoor. What kind of Time is a Flat Circle shit is this? Holddoor. Just so we’re clear. Holdoor. Three Eyed Raven. Hodor. Homeless Princess Peach and her backup singers, The Fireballs. Hodor. Summer, my direwolf I hate it had to be you. Hodor. Are fucking dead because Bran. Hodor. Was out here ghostriding the warg mad reckless. Hodor. This some ol. Hodor. Bullshit, fam. Hodor. “The North Remembers. Hodor. That time Bran. Hodor. Simultaneously fucked up the past and the future. Hodor.” They deserved better than this, man. Hodor. We all deserved better than this.