Season 2 / Episode 2 / The Last Children of Krypton
And you say National City all over The CW!
First Half Colonel: Ja-Quan ‘We proud of CW in these streetz’ Greene
First Half Commentary Sergeant: Brittany ‘We Bout that DC Life” Williams
Last week we saw the Girl of Steel trying out her new digs on The CW, home of the only good DC TV shows that aren’t animated. Better network, better weave, better home base and the arrival of the Buns… I mean Man of Steel. Bad blood between the last survivors of alien planets, Kara flying solo-dolo in love (sorry, James. The CW feeds on angst) but running Kindred and the Family Soul in hero-ing, and Cadmus steady fucking up e’rbody’s day.
Up, Up and Away!
Fires be raging out here in them streets. Firefighters be praying to The Lord, The Seven, The Old Gods, Allah, and Zeus for the girl in blue to come through, but get blessed with a two for one special. Supergirl and Superman out here saving lives, slaying all day around the city like Bey and Jay.
Brittany: Or a Venus and Serena mixed doubles match (let’s not bring the cousin-cest set into play here. *shivers in squick*). Fucking up folks cars in matching outfits with cheesy one-liners, y’all this Clark is so CORNY! He’s my favorite. Okay, carry on.
Puppetmaster Hank behind the scenes killin’ that Doc Rivers coaching game.
Brittany: Come through, J’onn, with enough salt to season the national supply of McDonald’s fries. Winn hits us with another awkwardly-timed Star Wars reference like Star Wars ain’t a Disney/Marvel syndicate. Bruh, you tryin’ to get sued or nah?
Winn gotta be the worst stand up comedian in the whole Supersphere. This cat making Carlos Mencia jokes sound like Chris Rock in his prime (Britt: I don’t know if I’d say ALL that…) while the Cadmus villainess in the lab experimenting on cyborging Mr. Corbin’ ass. Oh and do she stop there?! Lord no, Lady Cadmus sprinkling on some of the illest villain hype speeches West of Gotham.
Brittany: Cadmus gonna Cadmus I guess and continue to be the absolute WORST across all DC universes. Have they ever made anything or anyone that didn’t go horribly wrong and require some Justice League team to bat cleanup (frequently with a Bat. Hey! I’ll show myself out)? She is making me really miss Amanda Waller though…ah, memories.
DEO: The Kryptonian cousins pull up to the new spot as Kara is bursting with glee and gushing about how much fun she’s been having. Hank lets her know exactly how many fucks he has to give about her fun as he crushes, stomps on and dismantles all of Kara’s hash tag dreams.
Brittany: J’onn (his momma named him J’onn, I’mma call him J’onn) continues to operate as Chief Parade Rainer in his signature flavor, high blood-pressure salty, and shit all over Kara’s big/little cousin feels. They’re the last two Kryptonians left, J’onn. Let them have their corny, cheeseball fun. You know what it’s like to be the last of a whole planet and you have no one…oh no, I just made myself sad… *goes off to play “Missin’ You”*
Knocked out Pod dude been under low levels of Kryptonite but also, somehow, has been continuously repairing his body? Clark ain’t feelin’ that hint of green rock in the air and chucks up the “If only..” dueces. Kara in the building being completely oblivious to the fact that she’s making her big sis feel hella uncomfortable after she reveals that she invited Clark to Alex and Kara sisters night (AK night? Is that too gully?).
Brittany: Ain’t nothing too gully for this crew. Alex clearly feels some kinda way about adding this testosterone to AK Sister Night. Like, they’re even watching VEEP. The go-to show even has a female lead! Kara, you’re outta line for bringing Clark to AK Sister Night (we’re keeping that, J!) and Clark, you’re outta line for actually coming. Man of Steel? More like Man of Steal Your Sister Night.
[quote_simple]Sidebar: Cat still sprung AF when Clark comes within a 9-foot radius of her.[/quote_simple]
Brittany: “Watching Clark Kent walk away is like transcendental meditation. All of your worries, all of your concerns in life, they just fall away,” Cat Graham (but really all of us. I’m all the way with you, Cat. Clearly.
CatCo: Miss. Grant introduces Kara to Snapper Car, our leading lady’s new boss, an oh so CW typical “reporters are made not chosen, super serious about the craft” type figure to help Kara into the bountiful reporter she was destined to be. Aaaaand Kara’s dorky ass atomic bombs the introduction and that’s that for the intro department. Really crushed it, this time, guys.
Brittany: Clark and Kara twinning in matching fits again (how your wardrobe gonna take 8 steps back, Kara? You were pulling nerd-chic so well) but I guess that’s how Serious Reporters dress or something. The CW comes through with another standard: all bosses are rude AF, especially new bosses to whom you must prove yourself blonde girl with glasses and a ponytail. White girls with ponytails and glasses live the true struggle on The CW.
AK Night: Clark walks in and immediately flexes when asks Alex for the room, and sends Kara’s world into the start of another tailspin when he tells Kara he’s leaving for Metropolis..but what is this? A news report flashes across the screen!! One last tag team heroic deed?!
Brittany: How you gonna kick Alex out of her own living room, Clark, then pull a “Thanks for inviting me, Kara. I know we’ve been having a great time bonding and you don’t feel so alone with you actual memories of everyone that died when Krypton exploded and shit but I gotta go home to my girlfriend. Bye.”? That’s a running-on ass sentence but man, even I’m hurt by that. In Clark’s defense though, he does have a full-time job in another city and he’s been gone for how long and still trying to be on payroll?
The Krypto-cousin duo gets to the bridge from the news flash and Mr. Corbin who has officially been named Metallo immediately starts putting the Buster Douglas BEATS on the em! He beat the breaks, vacation, and retirement off these two. The kryptonite Iron Man style chest core is letting loose wildfire plasma blasts putting Superman on his cushioned backside. Metallo puts his focus on Kara and hits her with the NFL concussion special with a double dose of dem CTE hands. Clark regains consciousness and hits Metallo with a Bron Bron shoulder charge from hell and sends the enemy flying 3 miles upriver.
Brittany: Metallo gets a quip in about being shot in the back before getting knocked into next week. Guess you gotta keep taking them backshots, Corbin. Sorry bout it.
DEO: Winn’s back to solidify himself as the corniest comedian north of Atlantis, as Clark and Hank prepare to shoot the fair one over the implications of what just went down! Superman is heated because he’s fighting an enemy that probably wouldn’t exist if Hank and the DEO hadn’t kept kryptonite in the stash box. Hank defends his reasoning but none of that means shit when a message flashes across the board and Cadmus announces themselves to the world. Winn has the ultimate fanboy moment when he finds out he gets to make Superman’s new suit for the impending battle with Metallo.
Brittany: Superman flies in HOT with an injured Supergirl and J’onn admits that somebody jacked a shipment of kryptonite four months ago. Four months, J’onn? FOUR MONTHS and y’all didn’t think it was important to tell Kara and/or Clark that somebody stole a whole ass shipment of Kryptonite? Where dey do dat at? J’onn knows he done fucked up now so he volunteers to head off to the Fortress of Solitude with Superman. Meanwhile, Winn enjoys more of his new job come-up as he gets to design kryptonite resistant suits for the Supes.
Back on the CatCo ranch (where there’s suddenly a full-on, serious New York Times team that we never heard of. What is this, Buzzfeed?), Kara shows up late with Starbucks and pulls an “I was told by Applecare.” Can’t relate. Although Snapper is a grade A asshat, gotta admit he’s right on this one.
Snapper Carr comes at Kara’s neck and rips her a new one on some aggressive out of nowhere ish. He tells her she is no employee of his because only the real get a seat at this table. No seriously, no chairs for you Ms. Danvers. She runs to Cat, complains and does everything we do not want to see in a female antagonist in this Golden Age of television. Cat, of course, refuses to go fix this for her while simultaneously giving Kara an amazing “go get em tiger” pep talk while also getting the “I’m leaving CatCo for a bit.” goodbye speech.
Brittany: Cat stay giving the best motivational reads in the game and out Iyanla-ing Iyanla. She decides to take her own good advice and dive in like Trey Songz (guess The CW couldn’t see themselves paying Calista’s salary. Ha! I’ll see myself out). Then she and Kara hug it out and I just need a moment. *ugly sobbing*
Doctor Cadmus being the most wicked of evil, throwin’ her boy into the new phase of their wicked plan.
Brittany: Gotta respect her big-picture thinking even in the midst of her ridiculous and obvious “I spend every scene partially lit” evil. We should’ve known dude was in for it. He been coming with that back-talk from jump AND he didn’t even get a name. Sorry, man, you and the rest of your lines in this episode are done.
Second Half Leading Lady: Brittany ‘We Bout that DC Life’ Williams
Second Half Supporting Cast: Ja-Quan ‘Throw that 2 cents around like it’s worth a hunnit Sacagaweas’ Greene
Fortress of Solitude: Clark and Hank bond and point fingers at the same dam time.
Some alien technology robot scans Superman’s hand for metallic residue and it turns out to be the strongest metal known to man, promethium.
Brittany: J’onn lays the truth out for Clark. You’re the last of two (with more of y’all miraculously popping up every day) but I’m the last of all the Martians. Clark’s not trying to hear it because where there’s no trust, there can be no love. They just gon be beefin forever.
Kara collapses in the face of change and sets up moving to Metropolis for the good of everyone. Alex, obviously choking down her rage all this time tells Kara how she REALLY feels. We dust off those lovely abandonment issues and I’m sorry, I didn’t know y’all was gonna drag shit up for adopted kids everywhere, Supergirl. Damn.
Ja-Quan: Kara and Alex have their first real deal talk in ages. It gets emotional AF. Kara tryna dip set on her ride or die sister. Alex fed all the way up with staying silent and letting the cousins have their catch up cornball fun. Feelings were caught.
They track Metallo to an industrial underpass because it’s the only location cheaper than a warehouse and take him on without Winn’s anti-kryptonite suits. Metallo keeps taking backshots but an unnamed Cadmus henchman blows up Krypton Park in Metropolis (I see what y’all did there…) while the Supes are double-teaming old John Corbin. Clark is shook because he didn’t expect an attack on his home-turf but that’s what happens when you turn off the security system.
Ja-Quan: Metallo hit’em with the okie doke. He was looking menacing and devious as all hell in that underpass locale too. I’m talkin bout, taliban arms dealer suspect in the face. They just left him there to go about his evil doing! Clark really was quivering tho.
Back at the DEO, Alex brings her hurt feelings to beat Winn over the head with (do the writers actually hate him, cause I feel like they might) because hurt people hurt people. Winn talks her down and mentions that kryptonite leaves a trace residue because he’s the only person in this whole place who knows how to science. They go off to find the mole who smuggled out the kryptonite and Alex sets up a “covert” sting in the most obvious way possible.
Supergirl comes in ready to apologize because Alex was right about the AK Sisters neglect and Winn folds faster than a greeting card. Boy…just stick to the science…
Apparently, the DEO way is to run transports and busts with no backup (and J’onn is mad at Kara and Clark for why now?). Our mole takes one to the chest and Doctor Poorly-Lit tries to recruit Alex to Cadmus (planting seeds for a possible betrayal later maybe?). Alex curves her harder than Nia Long curved Kendrick and Dr. Poorly-Lit foolishly leaves her henchmen to kill Alex. Little did she know, Alex is like Macbeth or the Witch-king of Angmar, she can be defeated by NO MAN. Kara shows up to catch a bullet like a mf G and the AK Sisters are back in business.
Ja-Quan: I wanted to Game of Thrones shame Alex with that idiotic decision to catch the mole solo dolo. Let’s be real, Alex is one of the nastiest to throw them hands in television’s current DC lineup. But you can’t be going on unknown missions with Cadmus creatures lurking in every warehouse corner. Kara remembers where her loyalties lie and comes through in the clutch.
Ain’t nothing too gully for this crew.
Back at the DEO, Winn shows off his anti-kryptonite suits (chest pieces, they’re chest pieces because on top of everything else, Winn can’t follow directions). Winn straight up shades the man who signs his paychecks just so he can get his ego stroked by Superman. Winn obviously has a Tumblr full of self-insert Superman slash fanfic and I’m here for it. They also decide that teamwork makes the dream work and head off to kick some Cadmus ass.
The Supes face-off against their respective Metallos (original & extra quiet and crunchy) and continue to destroy public property and send insurance rates sky-high. Silent Ethnic Minority Metallo starts getting the upper hand on Superman when a little girl decked out in Super-merch transforms into Martian Manhunter and delivers another backshot. Meanwhile Original Recipe Metallo gets the upper hand on Supergirl when Alex comes through with the exo-suit and…another backshot. I guess that’s a requirement for Metallos now? Taking backshots? Also, are we gonna discuss how quickly Winn’s anti-kryptonite “suits” got taken out of commission? No? Okay, moving on I guess…
Ja-Quan: OHHHH HELLLL NO Winn’s swooning over Superman ass is not going to get off that easy. Those anti-kryptonite “suits” got taken out faster than a $5 umbrella in Manhattan. Got taken out faster than inst-birth. Got taken out faster than fresh sheets. Faster than Instant Oatmeal. Faster than Amazon same day shipping. Faster than Rick Grimes’ trigger finger. Das how quick dem shits went. I’ll give Winn his due credit for that first battle where those chest plates ate the kryptonite blasts, but I’m far from labeling him Supergirl’s Cisco Ramon.
There’s unity in the streets so of course our team is about to go undefeated. J’onn rips out Silent Ethnic Minority Metallo’s kryptonite core with his bare hands because that’s how he fucking rolls I guess. Ruthless. Alex somehow takes a superpowered punch to the face because why the hell not and impales Original Recipe Metallo with a steel pipe. So no chill, I guess.
Ja-Quan: I peeped that metallic super punch to the jaw too. I wonder about Alex sometimes..
Sidebar: That’s a lot of content & pages for 500 words… I mean this recap is over 2k soooooo… We just gonna let that slide? I guess… Kara also needs Cat to coach her on reading before she retires.
Superman says goodbye to the DEO and J’onn gives him the rest of their kryptonite supply to launch into space. There’s trust and friendship again and the East Coast / West Coast rap beef is squshed. Superman gives his #1 fanboy, Winn, a goodbye hug. Winn, it’s okay if you have a boner right now. Superman has that effect on people, just ask literally anybody. Kara and Clark say their sad goodbyes before Clark heads back home to Metropolis then immediately start texting each other because they’re THE REALEST COUSINS IN THE GAME! They’re so cute, y’all.
Kara sits down with the new Man Who Fell to Earth and offers him some kind words of support for when he wakes up. JUMPSCARE! Our mans is up and awake and ready to choke the life out of Supergirl.
Title Card! Suspense! Cliffhanger!
See y’all next week.
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