Furious 7 drops in theaters Friday, April 3rd as the most recent addition to the greatest action franchise of a generation. Back when Fast 5 came out in 2011 my best friend and I found a new way to watch the movie series with her other guilty obsession: drinking. Add the rush of smuggling contraband into a movie theater and I felt like a teenager in the prime mood for opening night to get my Fast & Furious on. I share this list with you, because I think it was Dominic Toretto who said, “Happiness is only real when shared.”
Rules: You and your friend(s) drink each time you catch a Fast & Furious cliché onscreen. You may even think of some that aren’t on our list! Feel free to add them, or comment below to share your joy with others. Didn’t earn your bachelor’s in bad over-the-top action films? No worry, we got you covered below.
Warnings: Sneaking liquor in your local theater to pour into your Coke-a-cola may or may not be legal, I’m not sure. I live my life a quarter mile at a time.
We go hard in the family bonds in Fast & Furious. Any time a character refers to their racing team as family, drink on up! It’ll generally go something like this:
“I don’t have friends…”
Oh God no, I’m plastered already.
“…I have family.”
We need another bottle.
Barbecue Scene: Beer and barbecue, son! That’s what we do at 1327 Furious Street. See a family barbecue scene in the driveway sponsored by Corona? Drank. Take a double drink if it comes complete with family prayer to bless the table.
“Highly coordinated drivers”
Drink up when you hear the team referred to as a team of highly coordinated drivers. It might be in varying terms – maybe “precision drivers” or the like, but keep an ear out, and drink to their honor.
“Everything Changes” After We Do This One Thing
Every Fast & Furious has a “this changes everything” moment, whether it really changes things or not. Actually, “this” never really changes anything; they just have to say it, and hopefully someone puts a gun to someone else’s head while they said it. It’s awesome. Speaking of…
“Escalated to a whole different level” or “Never done anything like this”
They will say it. It will be said, and it will give me goosebumps. Every new Fast & Furious includes a reminder to the audience that if you want subtlety you’re watching the wrong movie, because we’re going to tell you the stakes are higher so you know exactly when to suspend your disbelief and embrace it. Look for the reluctant Roman Pierce to try to talk sense into his team, only to change his mind before driving a car on the surface of the ocean.
Car to Car Jump, or “Take the Wheel” Moment
Wait for it, and drink. There were 8 recorded car jumps on Fast & Furious 6, with Roman, Letty, Toretto, Han, and Hobbs all making the leap. Hobbs made 3 just himself. Letty flew from a tank and was caught midair by Toretto who catapulted himself from his own car before the two landed safely on the windshield of a third vehicle. When asked how he knew the car would be there to break their fall (because that’s what cars do here, they break falls), Toretto simply replies, “I didn’t.” Which brings us to our next drink…
It’s neither Fast nor Furious without Dom peering down, raising his head slightly to his audience, and saying something awesomely terrible in full whiskey-voice. Here’s to you, Vin Diesel!
Women and Cars Montage
There will be a street-racing scene no matter the actual story plot. Somehow, some way, they’ll need to race for cars or audition for a job, only to bring us back to that staple landscape of where it all started. There will be schoolgirl outfits, oversized spoilers, canon-barrel mufflers, and neon lights. It’ll be the biggest, loudest illegal party hiding in plain sight.
“Best crew in the world”
Oh, you ain’t know? You better ask somebody – this is the best crew in the world! Drink when they remind you.
Car Collides with Another Form of Transportation
Cars collide with each other, sure – but that’s too easy. This is Fast & Furious we’re talking here! We’ve seen cars collide with trains (Fast & Furious), boats (2 Fast 2 Furious), and tanks (Fast & Furious 6)! Drink when a car collides with helicopter, drone, or some other vehicle I can’t even imagine because I’m not as brilliant as the writers of Fast & Furious.
O’Conner Says “Bro”
Drink for the classic dudebro address. If you’re sitting in the last row of the theater, stand and salute. Raise your cup and nod at Paul Walker’s final scene. Look at your friend and tell them “Ride or die.”
If Fast & Furious taught me anything, it’s that any predicament can be solved by discovering a hidden nitrous button you forgot you had. A nitrous tank is the key to life. Without one, what are you doing – why are you even here, bro? Drink anytime NOS is used, and take a double drink if it’s used for a creative purpose. Other than, you know, turbo-boosting a Honda Civic or Nissan Skyline through a finish line.
Slow Motion Disrobe Scene
Without Giselle and Han this cliché will never be the same, but we can expect someone to fill the shoes nonetheless. Maybe Hobbs will tear off his Under Armor in slow motion, maybe it’ll be a new character seducing Roman to distract him from the mission, we don’t know. But the slow motion disrobe always happens.
Totaled Car Drives Another Quarter Mile
Engine block destroyed? Car missing all four tires? The scene isn’t over until they SAY it’s over! Look for a totaled car to keep driving for a quarter mile, minimum. Drink again for every additional quarter mile.
New Character Who Finds Purpose in Street Racing
There might be a kid who’s gritty, tough, and nobody loved, but they find family (don’t remember to drink at the mention of family) in street racing. They’ll say things like “for that ten seconds or less, I’m free.” Street racing was their latchkey, and although a wiser, older person will tell them this isn’t the life for them, they’ll persevere and prove their worth by drifting perfectly around that corner and saving their bro’s life. This is one we haven’t seen in a while, and we should get it not only because we’re due, but because we’ll need new characters to be invested in if this series is to make it to part 13 in space. I think it was Henry Ford who said “The tree of Furious must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of drifters and martyrs.”
Arbitrary Auto & Financial References
You know how shampoo commercials mention chemical compounds and minerals just so you feel stupid and trust their product? Oh, this has micro-6 level beta-carotene and complex-9 antichrononym, the same combination that made Wolverine’s adamantium strong? It’s science! Expect to hear the same, but about cars and their worth. You hear “I bet he’s got 100 grand under the hood”? Raise your cup!
This is Dubai, Baby!
Look for the movie to remind you what city or country you’re in by exclaiming it with those exact words. London, Rio, Sparta… someone will call it out whilst raising their hands in the air and a crowd of people behind them cheering. Drink up!
Hobbs Momentarily Becomes The Rock
It’ll come and go in an instant, but Hobbs will go full Rock circa-WWF at least once in this movie. He’ll raise an eyebrow, call someone a “son of a bitch” in the classic tone, or maybe drop a signature move. Clean up the liquid you spilled from excitement and drink whatever’s left.
On second thought, maybe don’t drink for every Furious cliché, there’s just too many. You can enjoy the future Best Picture of 2015 winner just as much, and without liver failure, by calling out each one with a laugh with your best friend. Just make sure to mark your calendar for April 3rd and watch this series take one step closer towards my dream scenario crossover with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And if you do drink, drink responsibly.