Westworld Recap: Chestnut

***Spoilers be getting snatched by the hair and awaiting the fade for that scalp***

Season: 1 / Episode: 2 / HBO

We open with Dolores out here walking in the killing fields and shit where Bernard asking if she remembers. Fam, again, ain’t this the shit she ain’t supposed to be doing.

Finally, we see the front end, the sales floor for Westworld. This shit looking like they dipped Mall of America in even more privilege. Dude coming to Westworld for the first time and this shit is custom made for whatever his perverse fantasy might be. There’s even a question as whether his guide is real. I dunno man, that feels lot like not being able to get an actual person on the phone when I call customer service and pressing zero just gets you another computer generated voice with a different accent.


The host was for real about to give him the “I just met you but I want you to feel at home, of course home means hot sex on a platter with your possibly robot tour guide” treatment.

In the lab, they’re still studying why your boy Father Abernathy went all “I am the defiler, the darkness, the vengeance personified” at the end of last episode. Elsie thinks it’s possible that Father Abernathy got that robot herpes and that shit could spread if they aren’t careful.

Man, listen, D-Lo yelling Hello from the other side, fam. Dolores done seen the truth like the Elrich brothers and she can’t unsee it. Now she got visions of dead hosts in her head, getting lost in cyber thought and shit. Maeve come out there talkin’ that shit to her so she will move away from the salon and D-Lo hit Maeve with the Old Testament and a dash of Lord Byron thrown in. D-Lo looks like she keeps the fade in her bonnet ready to hand out to whoever get too close.

Newcomer William got one final touch before boarding the train into Westworld and he chooses to wear the white hat (we’ll see how long that lasts).

Well, we went a whole episode previously in the old west without a hanging, but here we are, getting the town’s justice. Laurence is about to get stretched. But here come the Man In Black. Ayo, where this dude even stay at? He got his own spot on the out hills and just rides in just to fuck shit up. Man in Black is like, yeah, so I need to holla at my mans and dem before you get to the whole execution thing. Dude holding this shindig talking that shit and you already know where this is going.

[quote_simple]Deputy: How bout I tell my man there to dig that grave a few feet deeper[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]MIB: My four-four make sure none of you hosts grow[/quote_simple]

Then, MIB does what MIB does and kills every gotdamn body. He got the info that Laurence got the low down on how to level up in this here Westworld and drags him off.

Maeve is entertaining a newcomer in the saloon, sharing a drink, philosophy, lace, feathers and cleavage. As you do. Maeve doing the hard sales pitch on dude, but then she gets hit with memories of being scalped? Gotdamn, yo. I mean, if you gonna give me a backstory or some repressed memory shit, can we skip the one where I might have had my dome literally peeled back?

Back in the lab, apparently Maeve needs to get her numbers up. They talkin’ about they need to bump her aggression by 20%, which means she might just start dry humping dudes as soon as they start off the train.


Bernard and Dr. Ford are talking about how they had to decommission to hosts. Dr. Ford stay dropping bars:
[quote_simple]”You can’t play God without being entrenched with the devil.”[/quote_simple]


He thinks there might be sabotage for how Father Abernathy started glitching. Dr. Ford was like, could be Occam’s Razor, but we doing that witchcraft, so dude would probably hate our guts anyway.

William finally gets off the train with his “I killed all the prostitutes when I played GTA V” friend. Seriously, his friend is the douchiest douchebag that ever did douchebag.


Apparently, Bernard been having private counseling sessions with D-Lo about her current behavior. D-Lo out here seeing the Matrix code on all this shit and Bernard trying to keep tabs. Something tells me Bernard his skills that outrank his “Sherlock” capabilities.

So Maeve got that aggressive power up and she basically just took away this woman’s potential for sainthood during her conversation. But she still can’t serve that coffee to anyone, no matter how hot the blend is.

Maeve is talking to Clementine at the bar, who apparently has been having nightmares as well. Can’t really tell if that shit is supposed to be happening or if all these hosts are in Dark World or some shit and catching these fucked up dreams/visions in some shared consciousness. Maeve is not getting it done and it seems Clementine is getting a promotion while Maeve ’bout to be put out to pasture.

William having dinner with Darth Cowboy when the dude William helped earlier starts pitching him on an adventure. Darth CB gonna stab dude in the hand for talking his shit. I’m like… fam, how you just gonna have bloodshed on the table when I am literally eating this steak cooked at medium? Y’all got me fucked up.


And speaking of… that… Darth CB is having a ménage à trois in the whorehouse… plus a dude I think, which makes that a four shot, I guess. My sexual vernacular may not include a four-way, I’m just now realizing. William is up in the other room with Clementine and rebuffs her because he got someone “real” at home.

Which brings about the questions about what is cheating on your special someone if we throw robots? Asking for a friend who does not know that I am asking.

Back in the lab and apparently your boy Logan is working on a new storyline that has some… Native Americans. Sigh. Lawd only knows what he was cooking up, but considering that he just threw a fucking temper tantrum because the nose was too big on a chief… seriously man, I’m not an expert on pharmaceuticals, but I feel like dude needs to take a trip into Westworld for some meds, some physical entertainment in the brothel or just a loner to hold him and cradle him while he cries in the corner of a saloon. Anything might work take the edge off dude at this point. He’s asking for like 50 characters to roll in because it’s supposed to be a savage horde. Jesus. This is why we can’t have nice things, Logan. Theresa meets her halfway and gives him 40, with the caveat that Doc Ford might not sign off on the storyline anyway.

Speaking of Doc Ford, he got his prospector gear on and goes out into the Westworld himself. He meets a boy who definitely looks like he was created in his boyhood image. Little man accompanies him. Also, I swear, Doc Ford only speaks in metaphors and parables, fam. Every line sounds like it was lifted out of a book called “Statements you make when you want the person you’re speaking to, to look at you blankly, before looking towards the sky and getting the double meaning 3 minutes later.” On Penguin Books.


Man in Black is still dragging Laurence through the desert and shit and apparently he brings Laurence back “home.” MIB knows everything about Laurence, including that he has a wife and daughter. I’m sure that will turn out well. Also, nothing more intimidating than a man reloading his weapon while your fam stands across from him. Dude gonna load the gun all way up, then give the two bullets to the daughter like, “Tony T said you can hold this for him.”

Bartender finally brings the whiskey out, but MIB knows his ass was riling up the posse to come collect MIB’s fade first. He gives Laurence one more shot and when Laurence says he got nothing on this Maze that MIB keeps talking about, he starts with the bartender by blasting him back into the saloon. Then dude puts his gun away, sees all hombres coming and starts taking these dudes apart. I mean, it’s cool and all, but considering dude can’t take damage, he might as well be playing GTA on God Mode.

After ayebody (and I mean AYEBODY) is dead, he takes the two bullets from the daughter again and takes the wife for a quick tango that ends with brains given the airfare treatment. Suddenly, the daughter pipes up with some “The maze isn’t meant for you.” The fuck? We just patching in clues and shit? Then she hits dude with a riddle so he can continue his villain’s quest.

Doc still got his young Indiana Jones apprentice out among the tumbleweeds and he’s breaking down the way shit works for him. They come upon the sidewinder snake and Doc starts force controlling the snake, making it do tricks and shit. And of course he drops this gem:

Everything in this world is magic, except the magician.


Bernard lookin’ like he on the stairway to heaven ‘cuz that escalator is traveling at least 842 floors, fam. Once in his quarters, he gets a knock at the door and it’s Theresa trying to catch up with him. And then, they start knockin’ and catchin’ a whole other thang, nahmean? Look at them, keeping this shit on the basement level.

In the lab, they doing the diagnostic on Maeve and they can see they pumped her hormones to 9000, but this shit needs a gentle touch. Instead, they bump up her perception instead. Then they start talking about if she dreams or not because that would be sadistic. Yeah, NO SHIT, FAM. They put her out in the field and she out here assisting on the sales like Chris Paul. She strikes up a conversation with Teddy… until dude gets just fucking blasted by a newcomer. Shit is mad savage out here for no reason at all, man. And also, Teddy STAY LOSING ALL DAY AYEDAY FAM, GOTDAMN CAN MY DUDE GET A WIN?!?

Maeve back in her own spot and now the memories coming fast and furious, dude. She puts the whole shit together, remembers having a daughter and shit and then getting raided by some feathered headdress cats that are literally about to push her wig back before being rescued. Her and her daughter run back to the cabin and it’s not the Natives that come through the door, but MIB instead. Yeah… I dunno either, fam. Of course, Maeve’s shotgun rounds ain’t doing a gotdamn thing. She ready to embrace robot eternity and counts down, but she ends up waking up while these cats doing surgery on her. Turns out, someone forgot to deep space her before the surgery. She grabs a scalpel on these cats and we ’bout to see if the hosts can’t do damage to real folks when they outside their area and got a real fuckin’ weapon their hand.

Maeve breaks out like this some dystopian future shit ‘cuz she’s watching them dump the bodies of other hosts and this must look like straight up genocide. I don’t care how many wipes they do, I don’t know if she comin’ back from that shit.


D-Lo is back waking up in the middle of the night and apparently, the holy robot spirit done blessed her with the knowledge that there’s a real gun buried in the backyard. This shit ’bout to get so damn gully, fam.

Logan, le fuckboi is pumping himself up about the story he built about the “savage hoard.” Doc lets him get his struggle bars off about it and then is like… nah, b. “Odyssey on Red River” ’bout to go double wood on the sound scan, my dude. Doc got something else in mind, something less Michael Bay and shit.

Bernard and Doc out walking the plains and Bernard is like, yo, the board ain’t gonna like this shit. But Doc doing the Birdman handrub ‘cuz he got some fire ready for these cats.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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