An Open Letter to Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: None of You Witches/Warlocks Got Hands and It Shows

Dear Sabrina Spellman, First off, know that I’m coming from a place of love. You’ve given us peak teen drama and angst. You’re what the CW has been striving for. You put Greendale back on the map. Know that the Melissa Joan Hart era Sabrina is watching your success from above with a glass of wine saying, “You doin’ this horror shit witch. You did that.” Sabrina, for your contribution to the reboot game, I respect you and I adore you. Which makes what I gotta say hurt all the more for me. Fam you and your people really need to take some self-defense classes cause none of witches or warlocks can fight. When it’s time to throw down yall’s hands are straight Laffy Taffy. Sabrina, I wouldn’t trust y’all to stay on the sticks in any fighting game in an arcade. Y’all rely too heavily on spells when violence would be the far better solution. Look, when Doctor Strange casts a spell and starts throwing up his magical gang signs, that shit is intimidating. Y’all out here just using your loud voice. That ain’t enough cause I’ve seen you and your supernatural classmates take some “L’s” that could have easily been avoided. My witch, I hate that it had to be you and yours, but I need to bring out the highlight reel so we can go over the play by play.

Mad spoilers abound

Any demon that wanna exist in this house better have rent money First and foremost, you not goin’ be a named Batibat and kill me. Hard No. You not goin’ kill me while looking like Captain Jack Sparrow’s stunt double. You n…