I love cuddly animals. With adorable button noses, fluffy fur, bushy tails, AHHHHHHHHH. It would make even the coldest anime antagonist (looking at you Naraku) melt. Despite disarming appearances however, nature breeds vicious beasts. Beasts with Instagram worthy faces and innocent nose twitches. These creatures can fly, swim, and cuddle their way through a human, effectively cutting your body in half if you’re not careful. Here is my top ten list of cute creatures, real and fictional, NOT to fuck with (in no particular order):
1. Koala Bear (Phascolarctos cinereus)
Fans of these chubby tree-huggers are probably aware that they are indigenous to Australia. They are tailless marsupials and can weigh anywhere from 10-30 pounds. They are a popular tourist attraction, but be warned: These feisty critters can pack a nasty bite or scratch if disturbed from their afternoon nap! (They sleep for about 16-22 hours a day).
Fans of Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind already know a little bit about these faithful companions. They were once thought to be impossible to train. They are quick and resourceful little dudes. Don’t be fooled by their small stature; their deceiving looks could very well be your downfall. I hear they have quite a bite!
3. Chow Chow (Canis lupus familiaris; known in northern China as Songshi Quan)
If you these giant fluff-balls marching towards you on the sidewalk, resist the urge to automatically run up and pet it (for more reasons than that in general it is a bad idea to do that to any animal). This ancient dog breed is known to be excessively protective of its family, and their aggressiveness extends throughout their maturation. They have a hunter’s instinct, and a natural wariness of strangers, so be sure to keep a considerate and understanding distance.
4. “Icefox” (Real name unknown)
I was so excited to see these creatures running across a snowy landscape in the latest Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi trailer. Are they friends??? Are they foes??? Are they “grey?” Who knows. I know for sure that I wouldn’t want to mess with a creature that looks like Glaceon and could run faster than a Chocobo. That’s all I’m saying.
5. Puffer Fish (specifically, Arothron stellatus)
I feel as though we’ve all empathized with a puffer fish at least once in our adulthood: (exaggerated, ballooned face whenever some audacious situation pops up that life likes to throw at us). Did you know that some of these squishy sea dwellers have a toxin that could cause death? Fugi Chiri is a popular meal in many oceanside regions, but be warned: if not cooked properly, this could be the last meal you ever have! Even in death, these bad boys could destroy you.
This mythical creature is also another example of something that can be disarming at first glance. But don’t be fooled! On top of their sharp-ass horns and all-knowing eyes, their bravery is unmatched! Even against a giant red bull.
7. Platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus)
This egg-laying mammal has been a fascination to scientists and film-makers all over. You can see how it is an endearing if unconventional creature we’ve all come to accept. However if seen in the wild, be warned; the males have an interesting appendage ‘spur’ that is venomous. If you want to avoid a trip to pain city, stick to admiring these awesome swimmers from a respectful distance.
If you grew up watching Tenchi Muyo! then you know that while cabbits (half cat/half rabbit) are extremely sweet and loyal, they are also very handy in the battlefield. ESPECIALLY, if that battlefield is in space. Because this little mascot can transform into a huge spaceship capable of destroying hundreds of fleets of ships. Just be sure to leave lots of catnip and carrots out for them to stay in good standing!
9. Great Horned Owl (Bubo virginianus)
I mean come on; this one has the name ‘Great’ in it. Not even the most arrogant weenie should think they can match up. These large and in-charge buddies are good hunters and capable masters of disguise (natural camouflage due to their feathers or “plumage”). If you’re walking down a pleasant forest path one day and happen upon a sentinel tiger owl, don’t think twice about it: mind your business, slowly turn around, and mosey on out of there. That is their property now.
I personally am a huge fan of Normal type Pokemon. (Some of the cutest ones are!) Now Noctowl is pretty cool, but they have the dual Normal/Flying type going for it. It has great eyesight and hearing, and can be lurking about in the trees in the dead of night. Careful exploring trees; their feathers are so soft that they are damn near undetectable, making it easy for them to swoop in on some unsuspecting prey…