I hope all of y’all are happy, man. I hope you’re all pleased with yourselves. Y’all done pushed Discovery to the edge for Shark Week this year. Last year’s Shark Week had the real-life aqua man, Olympian Mike Phelps, racing against a CGI shark. Apparently, America didn’t get the memo that the shark would be CGI. Everybody was so disappointed that Mike Phelps wasn’t racing an actual shark. Let that sink in. The United States of America wanted one of their national Olympic heroes to go toe to fin against an actual ass shark in a race …Okay. Well, Discovery heard y’all’s complaints last year and said, “Okay. We got something for that ass.”
Fam, I looked at the line up of the shows this year and said to myself “they really out here not giving a good god-damn this year, huh?” I just want to know how these shows were pitched in the meeting for this year’s Shark Week. I just wanna see the minutes that were taken or even the notes for the meeting. I imagine a bunch of programming, marketing, and PR execs in a boardroom and the head of Discovery kicks the doors open saying, “What the hell is wrong with America?!”
Head of Discovery: I want something that will shut everybody up this year. E-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y!
I want shows that’ll have our audience too shook to enter the shallow end of the pool, y’all hear me?
Debra from accounting: Well… we do have a team that wants to conduct an experiment to see how sharks actually attack shipwrecked survivors in open waters. But that’s really extremely dange–
Head of Discovery: Hav’em sign a waiver and put their asses out to sea Today. That’s what I’m talkin’ bout people!
Sharkwrecked
My guy. You know how there are tales of sailors getting shipwrecked then getting eaten by sharks? Yeap, we’ve all heard tales about it but we’ve never seen how sharks do it. We know how they hunt but how is it implemented in real time? Well, we’re about to find the hell out as conservationists Paul de Gelder and James Glancy spend damn near two days in open waters being circled by sharks. Listen, the episode starts off with these two jumping off and swimming from their boat that explodes. They got a team watching them and maintaining radio communication but fam. The team is safe and sound on a boat commenting on what the sharks are doing as Paul and James float their asses in (I repeat) open freaking water. All these guys got is a little shark net to jump in and protect themselves from the White Tip Sharks that frequent these waters.
Mind you, these guys both have military training. Paul De Gelder lost a leg and an arm to a bull shark. I honestly can’t describe the level of G shit that Paul is on for that. You may be reading this like, well they got a shark net, they good. No, my guy. These guys gotta keep themselves afloat. They’re in the water for about forty-three hours. Hypothermia sets in, exhaustion sets in, and the net protecting them isn’t kevlar thick. It’s very thin and the sharks are bumping into them like someone trying to get by you in the club. I feel like they had to sign two waivers each for this shit right here. Y’all wanted man vs Shark right? Discovery said, well here you freaking go.
Head of Discovery: What else? No bad ideas here guys. Except for you Paul. Put your hand down.
Intern: Well there have been accounts of the Air Jaws sharks being killed by something.
Head of Discovery: Wait… Sharks are getting got and we’re not filming it?! Greenlight it!
Air Jaws: The Hunted
If you’re a fan of murder mysteries then you’re going to love this. Imagine First 48… but in the ocean. Y’all remember that giant ass mecha mega shark Air Jaws that jumps out the water to snap seals in half? Yeah, that giant ass apex predator? They be chillin’ off the coast of South Africa. Yeah, they’ve been getting fucked up. When I say fucked up I mean, they’ve been getting the gills beat off them. Fam, 15 to 21-foot sharks been getting murked and washed ashore. They been washing up with giant ass bites out of them and their livers missing.
This is like Seven except it takes place in the seven seas. This ain’t the work of poachers. This is the work of two hard-ass, real-ass, big-ass orcas that are hunting sharks, killing them, and eating their livers. These orcas — named Port and Starboard — are going after large ass sharks to get their own week. These orcas are out here really running these oceanic streets. There is even a squad of orca around New Zealand that straight-up hunts sharks in a group. Yeah, Air Jaws: The Hunted out here exposing sharks for real. Orcas are mad that y’all think they all Free Willy type friendly. Nah, these two orcas, Port and Starboard, WANT that smoke. They ain’t scared of these (again) giant ass sharks. If you wanna see how orcas dethrone sharks for the crown of best apex predator of the sea, check out Air Jaws: The Hunted.
Head of Discovery: We need something that’ll go over the top to close this out. I want them turning to our channel and not believing what they’re seeing. Somebody bring it home. Somebody bring it all in. Not you Paul. You know what you did.
Rosa from Marketing: Ummm, how about Naked and Afraid… but with sharks.
Head of Discovery: …Someone get this woman a pay raise. That’s what I’m talking about people. Paul, I hope you’re taking notes.
Naked and Afraid of Sharks
There’s no way to even really describe this aside from a bunch of Naked and Afraid All Stars willingly left stranded on an island (Andross Island) surrounded by over forty different species of sharks. They have to get all their food from the water but they’re competing with hammerhead sharks, bull sharks, lemon sharks, shark sharks (not even sure if that’s a shark but at this point why not), not to mention mosquitoes and the weather. Fam, a shark expert told them to literally watch their ass and that they’re more susceptible to sharks cause they’re white and easier for the sharks to see in the water.
I’m watching this like no. No way. You tell me that and I’m out. A 12-foot freaking hammerhead rolled up on one dude like “what it is?” and dude said, yeah fuck all of that. That man was a Marine and said that shit. Smartest thing I heard said on this show. They got these folks having to go underwater to spear fish to feed their group of five. Nevermind the sharks that live there rolling up on them each and everytime trying to run their food. These sharks are not with the gentrification of their waters, my guy. The phrase “this island doesn’t want us here” keeps getting repeated and at one point I swore a shark rose up out the waters shoutin’, “and we don’t either”. Did I mention everyone is butt ass naked for this too?
They’re getting bit by mosquitoes and sand fleas on land and trying not to get their asses torn into by sharks in the water. They got like 14 days on this island and you can just see them breaking down as the conditions just go on to suck day in and day out. I’mma be honest, I ain’t feel bad for them as I watched from the comfort of my own home with my AC on because they willingly signed up for this. They wanted that real and Discovery Channel said, “Bet. We got something for your adventurous asses alright.”
Head of Discovery: That’s what I’m talking about people, this is the programming I want to see. We’re gonna make everybody shut the hell up about that CGI shark race. If they don’t have to sign a waiver clearing us of responsibility then we don’t want that show on the air. Y’all hear me? We’re done playing with this audience. We tried to teach’em facts the fun way. They wanna see how real it gets? Then let’s show’em. Somebody get me on the line with those orcas’ agents so we can get this Killer Whale Week spin-off happening ASAP.
Every ounce of me really hopes that’s how that meeting went down. Discovery is supplying that demand this year and can’t any of y’all say a damn thing. We got dudes ship wrecking themselves with sharks just to see what happens (Sharkwrecked ), a murder mystery of giant sharks being murked at sea (Air Jaws:The Hunted ), and people willingly trying to survive on an island in shark-infested water butt-ass-naked (Naked and Afraid of Sharks ).
Now if you’re a shark enthusiast, or were one of the folks that cast your vote for real human vs shark action but happened to miss an episode of Shark Week, no worries. You’re still in luck. All these episodes can be found on the Discovery Go app. Go back and watch’em all and see how Discvoery got Geico to add Shark Insurance onto their plan for one week out of the year. Ain’t No CGI sharks to be found this week. Y’all wanted Shark Fight club? Here it is. Enjoy.
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