Season 3 / Episode 3 / The CW
We open up this episode with Draco Prickfoy assuming the role of Barry’s superior and stickler for entry and exit protocol and proficiency involving most working class citizens bane of existence, the dreaded punch clock. Barry is at work more anxious than 4 year olds on Dec. 24th. He’spacing, he’s watching faucet droplets drip in slow mo, and finally the moment hits and Barry jets out to get prepped for a date with Iris who ain’t the least impressed with his floral efforts.
All aboard the Barry and Iris Love Boat of supremely stiff and unappealing date nights. Iris out here canceling super powers like Nino. Barry out here not giving a single fuck about her wishes, stopping robberies like the GTA chief of police. Team Flash don’t got a single empathetic Love Connection cell in their body cuz they hittin up Barry without any regard for his bae goals.
S.T.A.R. Labs: Turns out we got ourselves a breach problem and we ain’t talkin’ bout whales. A gigantic hole has ripped opened time and space. Barry don’t know what the hell is going on and looks at Cisco like, “Bruh..you buggin opening up breaches all willy nilly like that. Never know whats lurking on the other side ready to slide up in the DM” Cisco clapped back like, “Sonnnnn you think I’m responsible for this fuckery? Na B, my hands is cleaner than a Muslim before prayer.” Team Flash got guns drawn and powers ready to be unleashed on whatever bout to come out this thing. Luckily for the squad, they don’t have to stress.
Out of the breach comes dat dude, dat mighty morphin hairline, dat braniac, Earth 2 Harry Wells! The gang’s kinda confused but also pretty hyped to see homie again. Thennnnnn we get the real reason he has entered the planet, as yellow lightning streaks in front of everyone’s eyes and Jesse Wells pulls out like, “Sup doe?” Homegirl has arrived and done manifested dem Speed Force skills and is now the quickest lady in the multiverse. The team is hype? Confused? Inquisitive..yeah inquisitive as they rattle off questions faster that Austin 3:16 in his “what” phase.
Salty Wally: You’re a speedster now, Jesse?
Jesse: Yessirrrr! That’s so dope right?
Salty Wally: Dope…right. But I got hit by the dark matter too, I don’t have powers.
E2 Harry: Dark Matter affects everyone differently and some not at all, you should be happy.
Sad Wally: Happy…right.
E2 Harry: I need to find out exactly whats going on.
Caitlin: You came to the right place! Step into the Speed Lab and we’ll take a good look at her.
Barry: The Speed Lab now?
Team Flash: …
*Barry walks into the CW new and improved digs cuz CW apparently decided they was gonna Dubai ball da fuck out on their bread winning superhero titles this season*
Oprah Voice Sidebar: Supergirl, you get a brand spankin’ new secret headquarters, upgraded job, and oh shit we done spent too much money..Sorry Felicity, we gotta let you go for 85% of the season, but chu still poppin girl! Flash, you get an upgraded lab! ..andddd dozens of new villains to reek havoc all throughout Central City cuz you selfish and imma be petty by hooking you up while simultaneously teaching yo ass a lesson.
With the quickness, Harry figures out that Barry’s confusion must mean that he went back in time and tore up the timeline..again. Oh and there’s the fact that his ass has never been there either. Barry tries to claim there are only a few minor changes but Harry Wells shoots him the “fuck outta here with that fuck boi lying ass shit” look and Barry tucks his tail in silence. Jesse’s number is called and homegirl pops up, slides her jacket off like the mufuckin Queen of everything there was, is and ever will be, hops in the booth and commits lyrical assassination on that Speed Track!!
Wally’s in his feelings harder than promethium and has to excuse himself before the squad witness they brethren burst into tears as a result of the most extreme disappointment and uncertainty. Joe has a feeling Wally’s life in the Flashpoint timeline has something to do with it and Barry is just like, “Yeahhhh you might be, most definitely, potentially, without a doubt are on to something there, Joe.”
Meanwhile in the streets of C-City (yeah that’s happening), we have ourselves a pissed off and abusive foster father bringing their work anger home with him and projecting his rage on his diligent but apparently not good enough wife and innocent daughter. Lil’ Frankie speaks half a word and ol boy goes off on her which unleashes the magenta colored eyes, signifying her dormant powers that Alchemy instigated have awoken and she bout to send this street light flying through the window at 100mph destroying any chance of us seeing that sorry excuse for a man again.
CCPD: The extremely awkward adventures of Iris and Barry continue as they try to erase any thought of that Ritz crackers ass boring date they had and decide to focus on their respective duties cuz Iris has a job she actually needs to keep (even tho they haven’t shown us a sliver of her professional life this season..*side eye at CW*) and Barry got a boatload of problems on his plate. Metahumans manifesting all over C-City like Gremlins with the help of some diabolical timeline doctor wizard, he got old friends from an alternate Earth pulling up for that S.T.A.R. LABS analysis, this dude got a full time job and a sandpaper rough around every edge of his being type coworker he actually needs to see eye to eye with one day. Awkward kiss on cheek. Lingering goodbye. Super uncomfortable walk toward the same stairwell after they already said bye. Andddd end scene.
[quote_simple]Sidebar: Grant Gustin and Patton Candice were born for these roles..despite the lingering brother sister creepiness.[/quote_simple]
Joe has Frankie Kane at the precinct asking her about what happened when the whole street light incident and she tells him that she blacked out during the tragic experience and says that she has blacked before. Joe gives Barry the 411 and he explains to Joe how much force and strength was required to warp the pole like it was. Joe immediately thinks super powered meta running around (being the hero C-City deserves killing scumbag dudes like fuck boy foster pops) but Draco Julian interrupts to tell Joe that there’s a problem with Barry’s theory.
S.T.A.R. Labs: Jesse comes soaring out of the Speed Track bumping Beyonce and Nicki’s Feelin Myself and asks how she did like she didn’t know already. Caitlin got nothing but glowing Yelp reviews for the quick kid and declares her good to go. E2 Harry swiftly responded that they need to run more tests and Cisco like, “Da fuq?” Wells is just like, “More..tests..” Jesse feels the tension in the air, asks if Wally is still around, chucks up the dueces and heads out to beast on 17 burgers, 32 tacos, a dozen order of fries and a bowl of guacamole for good measure. As soon as she exits the room Cisco and Caitlin go off.
Cisco: DA FUQ son? On some real shit, what was all that about?
E2 Wells: I’m a thorough ass dude. I’m checking every crack and crevice. Leaving no stone unturned. Imma make su–
Caitlin: Yeah I’m calling bullshit on that. Looks to me like you’re stalling.
E2 Wells: You right..
Yo Wells was on some next level overprotective father shit when Jesse was just your average college student daughter, but now that she’s got crime fighting speed on her resume? This dude must be on another level of psychotic anxiety.
Ok I’ll keep it a buck. This episode really wasn’t that amazing. I will say that it was fun as fuck because we finally got 1/2 of what we have been anticipating since Wally and Jesse got struck by dark matter. Jesse ‘Don’t confuse me with that silvery rock fan over at Xavier’s mansion’ Quick! She’s amazing. From her swag, to her desire to use her powers for good, to her seeking out Wally to comfort him when he runs off. She’s everything we want in a speedster sidekick but the writers have to go and dampen the damn mood with all this Wally moping around business. I mean I get it. His entire desire, right now is to help people any way he can and his affinity towards racing makes him an obvious choice for powers at some point in the season, but come..da fuq..on!
On the flip side of things, Magenta is an underdeveloped villain who comes in with a blaze of murderous glory and leaves on the softest runt of the litter whimper. Color Wars MetaKnight Magenta, starts off by nearly killing her foster dad with a gotdam street light. She attempts to take the life of CCPD employee, fish n chips eatin, pompous, Barry hater extraordinaire, Julian (I wouldn’t have been mad). At one point E2 Harry drops a word to describe her condition, that all Mr. Robot fans will do back flips at the sound of; “Disassociative” which basically means her other half, Magenta, takes over and there’s nothing Frankie can do to stay in control. But dont worry Flash fans, were not actually going to tackle mental illnesses or anything. Nah, this whole aspect of her disorder gets glazed over like mom dukes Christmas ham. I mean, I understand its a superhero show geared towards a younger audience, but you gotta come correct CW!! I’ll just continue to sit here sippith my tea out thy Mr. Robot mug.
Anyways back to the action. Frankie goes full Magneto Baby Magenta when homegirl lifts up a mufuckin oil tanker out the C-City harbor with her mind and prepares to level an entire elderly filled and injury riddled hospital of patients.
Sidebar: Can we all agree that evildoers immediately jump to the top of the piece of shit villain list when they attack hospitals and schools? Cool, glad we’re all on the same page.
Flash gets that Cisco Ramon offensive coordinator of the year guidance to figure 8 the hell out of the hospital roof to create some sort of hot air pocket of cushion that will prevent the tanker from killing hundreds, maybe thousands of people. Barry throws on the skates and figure 8s his Aly Raisman loving tail off (sorry I was hoping I could think of a famous figure skater but all I could come with was Tonya Harding, so there’s that). And while I was failing at Olympic life, Barry kept himself busy during his run by fine tuning his bars.
Rapper Barry: Ugh, SilverBarBack Gorilla Zodd in your city B.
Speedin round town savin lives in the vicinity
Bangin out figure 8 laps for infinity
Ugh.. Wha what was that guys? Oh you followed your treasure map to the Bono, Sarah McCloughlin, Alicia Keys charity concert and finally found a fuck to give about my endless torment right now?
S.T.A.R. Labs: During this entire episode, Caitlin played both counselor and voice of reason between Jesse and Harry’s evolving relationship. She dissects Harry’s inability to see how he could be a better dad by, perhaps encouraging his daughter to do good and help her figure out things as she helps the world, one saved life at a time.
Family Counselor Mic Drop
YOOOO as soon as you felt that heartwarming sensation go into effect and saw Caitlin finally get through to E2 Harry you just knew that slight change in Wells heart was gearing him up to drop that line. To drop THE line! To drop that RUN, Jesse, RUN!
Late Episode Shockers
Jesse smiles, grabs the sonic Power Sneakers and zips on outta there to link with Flash. Not gonna lie, it was a pretty amazing moment seeing them run step for step in that figure 8 and watch Jesse tell Flash to go handle Magenta cuz she “got this”. That’s right Jesse!! You been Mario circa 2005 levels of swagged out all episode!! You had so much swag this episode every ex you ever had calling you up to apologize and bow down to your slaying. You had so much swag this episode Kanye, Weezy, T.I. and Jay-Z hit you up to request a feature on each of their upcoming albums. Homegirl swag was so hot fire, she sweat her perm out. Shorty was swag surfin so hard Aquaman hit her up for some lessons in shredding. I see you Jesse..I see you.
I guess that final Iris and Barry date was kinda cute. Glad she understands that trying to live without his powers is just being fake AF.
I think I’m gonna start a hate filled hashtag for Draco Julian. Hate that guy.
The Wally/Jesse ship has raised its sails and is pulling out of the harbor.