Season: 6 / Episode: 9 / HBO
Maaaaan, listen. Daenerys lookin’ at Tyrion like Robin Arryn looked at Tyrion back in season one ‘cuz she wants to see the little man fly. This is like when you ask your friend to save your seat while you go to the bathroom, you come back and some sweaty dude got his feet kicked up in your spot while your friend giving you the Kanye shrug. Tyrion, you literally had one gotdamn job. To not let my house catch on fire. Want to explain to me why my house is literally on fuckin’ fire? Tyrion trying to justify his shit by updating his LinkedIn profile with all the good shit he’s done in Meereen… except that part where IT’S ON FUCKIN’ FIRE. The Masters are throwing their mixtapes at the pyramid and the current regime ain’t really trying to listen to that shit. Tyrion wants to convince her that total destruction and annihilation isn’t a good look, but considering that Tyrion hasn’t succeeded in anything since he caught that battle ax across the face at the Blackwater, I’m not sure he’s the best consigliere right now.
They meet the Masters outside the pyramid and start negotiating terms. Dudes are like, you tried it Stormborn, but now it’s time to run yo shit. Daenerys is like, yeah… that’s cute. Then comes THE BEST INTRO OF ALL FUCKIN’ INTROS, MY GAWD. Remember the Black Bush skit from Chappelle’s Show when he was describing how the jet touched on the aircraft carrier? That’s how I feel describing this shit to y’all right now. Like I got my action figures out on my desk like, “And then Drogon came and swooped down on the Pyramid like, SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKA, DRAGON FLIES MUTHAFUCKA.” Can’t shake me off of this being one of the best appearances of all time, fam.
Drogon arrived on the scene like T’Challa in Civil War.
Khaleesi hit the automatic car starter and Drogon was like, is we doin’ this shit queen, or is we doin’ this shit?! I got a schedule to keep.
Daenerys hops on Drogon’s back, puts 50 Cent’s “The Massacre” in the CD player and starts lettin’ that shit knock before she pulls off.
The Unburnt want her corners back and y’all punk ass masters don’t want no trouble, fam! Viserion and Rhaegal been wishin’ a Dragon would do some death and destruction shit without them, so they fall in line behind Drogon on the way to do some real gangsta shit. Daenerys pulled the dragon up to the curb where the ships be and popped the trunk on these cats when she gives that famous ‘Dracarys’ command. Yo, I really feel like I need a pet now, just so I could teach it to do SOMETHING when I say Dracarys. I don’t give a damn if it’s to snarl or spin around in a circle or lick a muthafucka’s face, but I need to know that something is going to happen when I utter that word. No one Khaleesi should have all that power.
Well, the Masters just had that turn around on them like Golden State when they were up 3-1 in the series and couldn’t figure out how to deal with on-ball screens and dragon fire. Grey Worm and Tyrion give them the “get down or lay down, or, at least one of you has to lay down permanently” speech. Two masters try to sell out the third one, but Grey Worm pulls out the blade and swipes right on these dudes because he was interested for a second, but remembered he had Missandei standing right behind him.
It’s time for the parlay outside of Winterfell and everyone is filling their roles. Sansa is pumping herself up, Jon is barely holding it together and Ramsay is being the absolute worst. Ramsay wants an all out surrender, for Sansa to be returned, and for these cats to kneel before the true warden of the North. Jon is like, naw, fam, let’s settle this on some mano-e-mano shit. Ramsay is like… hard pass. Fuck I look like giving up my strength just so you can flex in front of your wildlings and 10-year old lords. Speaking of which, Lady Mormont was not here for this fuckboi shit. She staring through Ramsay’s entire soul.
Sansa is like, yo, get your rest up Ramsay ‘cuz Game 7 is tomorrow and we ’bout to run your ass off the court, pretty boy. Sansa really out here not giving a fuck, fam. Sansa been making her own outfits with secret pockets in the lining just to be able to carry all fade to deliver to this dude for weeks.
They planning the strategy and Sansa is like… so, you gonna ask me my opinion or do I need to produce some other genitalia to get a voice in this muthafucka?
I mean, Sansa ain’t never held a sword or commanded troops, but she is right about the fact that Ramsay be toying with muthafuckas and Jon too pure of heart to see that shit coming. Sansa is on that, “if the feds come this time, I ain’t going back to jail” type shit.
Davos and Tormund walkin’ the beat talkin’ about their fallen kings and shit. Davos is like, yeah, Stannis was cool, but dude had demons in his head. Tormund was like, “word, demons in his head? That reminds me, how you feel about that new Ghostbusters, Davos? I think the all woman cast is cool, but how they gonna have my wildling sista be the street smart one when all the privileged northerners are scientists and shit? We don’t play that stereotyping North of The Wall, nahmean?”
Davos keep forgetting that Tormund might be progressive, but dude still don’t know what the fuck a metaphor means.
Jon slide into Melisandre’s DMs asking why she wasn’t at the war council. He tells her not to bring him back if he catches the fade and she’s like, yeah, you fine as hell and all that, but you ain’t signing my checks Snow. And the Red God keep me stuntin’ in this 30-year old body even though I’m old enough to be your mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mothers’ mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother.
Apparently the Iron Born invented the steam engine ‘cuz these bastards already in Meereen and seeking council with the Queen. Tyrion remembers when Theon was playing the dozens on your boy, pulling out every dwarf joke he could. Now Tyrion up here spitting the bars on Theon because karma is a pretty woman that leads you into a kennel where you enter a complete man and emerge with shit flayed from you. Can’t blame Tyrion, man. You know how it be when you see that dude that used to clown your shoes in high school, but 10 years later, your boy lookin’ like he been working for the carnival building tents and shit. Yara and Theon are there to pledge fealty to the Khaleesi, but she knows they want their independence as well. Theon says he ain’t trying to watch the Throne, but Yara would rock that shit out well.
[quote_simple]Yara: No more than Westeros?[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Daenerys: Ahh, you’re cute aren’t you?[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Yara: Gurrrrl, you ain’t even seen me in my raiding clothes.[/quote_simple]
Look, this Daenerys-Yara meet up is what the game been missin’. Yara out here spittin’ Grey Worm levels of game, fam. I feel like Yara was on the ship on her way there just bumpin’ the hook to “Is That Your Chick” on repeat. Missy Elliott in her ear the whole boat ride like, “girl, I’m gonna drop the ‘Get Yo Freak On’ beat and you gonna bring this shit home for the fam.” Between the flirtation and mention of murdering of uncles, Daenerys lays down some ground rules. No reaving, roving, raiding or raping. Yara is like… um… what the fuck are we supposed to do on weekends then? Like, I spend the summer doing at least 3 of the 4 and I didn’t make any other vacation plans this year. Iron Islands gonna have to learn how to sew and print out some consent forms ‘cuz this shit gonna have to change with Stormborn becoming their new landlord.
It’s the Bastard Bowl and it’s almost time for Kickoff.
Instead of big ass balloon helmets and celebratory designs on the field, these muthafuckas decorated it with Flayed Men. Ramsay turned his chill down to subzero, then broke off the fuckin’ knob, fam. He pullin’ Rickon Jungle Book Stark out to the battlefield. Dude releases him and tells Mowgli Stark to run to his brother. Now, look, that field is like two miles long. Mowgli ain’t spent enough time in the jungle to have that kind of endurance in the first gotdamn place. Second, this ain’t an individual failure, this is a team loss, yo. SERPENTINE MUTHAFUCKA.
This ain’t Wanted man, Ramsay ain’t out here bendin’ the bow strings and curving the arrow, fam. Also, Jon can’t yell LEFT or RIGHT for his brother to NOT GET IMPALED BY GREEN ARROW BACK THERE?! What are we even talking about? Jon just watched that joint hit his brother in the back like… damn… that actually hit him. Like, it looked like it was going to hit him… and I didn’t say anything ‘cuz it might not hit him. But I’ll be gotdamned, that shit just actually hit him.
I mean, look, it had been what, over two seasons since a Stark died? I guess we were due. Rickon literally got his ass returned to the Earth, yo. Of course, we almost had 1 1/2 get put in the Winterfell Crypts because Jon, Lord Commander, survivor of the wildlings and white walkers, the sword in the darkness, loses all his composure and decides to take on Ramsay’s whole army. It took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence because I was too busy hunting online for a Sansa was Right shirt. If it weren’t for Cleveland winning a championship Sunday night that last statement might’ve been the most unbelievable shit said this week. Jon’s army, or more accurately, them 12 dudes he brought with him to war, charge against Ramsay’s army.
Rick Flair wooooo, Jon Snow out here putting numbers on the board, yo! Jon out here filling the stat sheet like LeBron. Dude is straight up in primal mode, spilling Flayed men all over the damn place.
Of course, that hardly means shit ‘cuz Ramsay sending in the second unit and we know that the weakness of Jon Snow’s army is them dudes got no depth. They got fuckin’ Matthew Dellavadova and Channing Frye coming off the bench, fam. They circle these cats with the 300 shields and build a wall. Just walking up on cats, sticking them with the pointy end. Seriously, things are as bad as they’ve ever been. Dudes is trapped in the closet with Kels and it seems this shit could go on forever… until… death. Right before Ramsay roll up on that Ronald Isley shit, holding Jon by the hair in the middle of the battlefield like, “I did this to you,” the horns start playing from across the battlefield.
Seems that not only did Littlefinger get Sansa’s message, but he also cut off his house arrest anklet so that he could come join the battle without being tracked by protective services. Needless to say, Ramsay was not expecting that shit and he lookin’ at the soldiers from the Vale like when dudes be flirting with a girl at the club and their girlfriend’s bestie appear from around the corner. Ramsay is like, hey… the fuck you doin’ here? I thought your ass was still studying abroad in the North… you ain’t talked to Tasha tonight, have you?
Sansa up on the hill lookin’ satisfied, but also worried since Littlefinger is within 100 yards and violating the restraining order. Jon, Wun Wun (the giant), and Tormund start chasing Ramsay back to Winterfell like dude just snatched Sansa’s purse and took off or some shit. Ramsay gets back to Winterfell and tells them they ain’t got no siege weapons, BUT DECLINED TO MENTION THEY HAVE A GOTDAMN GIANT. G-Wunit busts through the door like Louis Armstrong and shit.
But there’s a cost for that, ‘cuz G-Wunit lookin’ like a gotdamn pin cushion with all the arrows sticking out of him. Dude look like a furry puffer fish and shit. He gives Jon the “I did good boss” look before Ramsay’s punk ass puts one last arrow in his eye. We can’t even let the giant die in fucking peace, man? Seeing as his whole army been wiped out, Ramsay NOW wants to consider 1-on-1 combat. See, this is why I know Ramsay ain’t never played any quality video games. You gotta know when to switch to your melee weapon when shit gets to close-quarters combat. He still trying to shoot Jon with arrows from two feet away. And then. Jon. Beats. The Ever. Loving. Fuck. Out of this dude.
He beat Ramsay down to the flayed meat, yo. He beat Ramsay like the ghost of Rob was on his shoulder like, YOU BETTER WEAR THIS PUNK ASS OUT! You see what he did to your brother? To your sister? You see how his pops set me up for the Wu at the Twins? Beat this muthafucka like he bleed dragon glass. Ghost of Ned over his other shoulder like, yeah, fuck his shit up, Jon.
Sansa sees Jon beating Ramsay a foot into the mud before he stops. Sansa looking at him like… um, Did I tell your simple ass to stop? Then the Starks dropped that banner over Winterfell’s walls so they could coordinate the parade with Jon rocking the Finals MVP trophy.
Down in the dungeons, Ramsay is tied up and Sansa staring through this dude’s whole DNA code. Then she hit dude with the ill bars.
Your words will disappear.
Your house will disappear.
Your name will disappear.
All memory of you will disappear.[/quote_simple]
The dogs come out and they smell that blood on Ramsay. Ramsay thinks his hounds will never harm him, but Sansa reminds him that his hounds haven’t in seven days. Which means that Sansa got remarkable fucking hearing ‘cuz she had actually rode off before Ramsay said that at the summit, but whatever. The hounds is hungry and they start sniffing around Ramsay like, “What’s good killa, heard you been holding out on that kibble?”
The dogs start circling Ramsay, crip walking and throwing up sets before they jump dude in and start Thanksgiving early. The hounds start tearing off drumsticks and thin slicing the rib meat off dude before Sansa begins to walk away. I’d say that’s some cold shit… but Sansa been slow roasting that meal for months. Might be on her way to have the Red Woman resurrect Ramsay and do that shit again as we speak.