Season: 6 / Episode: 6 / HBO
***Spoilers be giving sideye to the king and want to defect North of the Wall***
Maaaaaan, listen. Right about now Meera wishing she didn’t skip out on those crossfit classes at the Y cuz dragging Bran’s useless body over the north tundra can’t be easy.
Bran ain’t even got time to be thinking about how he just got Wylis aka Tip the Doorman killed because he too busy being visited by the ghost of Wildfire past. Dude seeing everything, the Wight army, Jaime Lannister earning the title of Kingslayer, young-how-am-I-still-alive Ned Stark, who caused the blackout at Super Bowl XLVII, all of that. Bran finally comes to, but he don’t need the vision to know the wights here to come collect that past due notice.
Right before Meera and useless Bran sit in the chair and get the high and tight fade, a rider come through with the scythe and the flame mace. Dude start putting the fire to these zombie fucks left and right while Meera got the frozen tears on her cheek and Bran assumes his default position of waiting for muthafuckas to die. Dude gives them the Terminator ultimatum before they ride off with wights chasing them. But the original one from Terminator 2.
…I’m sorry. I think I blacked out. Every Terminator film after Judgment Day is like a trigger warning for me. What the hell were we talkin’ about again?
Sam and Gilly are in the caravan headed to Horn Hill. Sam is nervous as fuck, talking about all the trees along the road. Muthafucka, we out here dealing with White Walkers, dragonfire, and faceless men. Ain’t nobody out here give a good gotdamn about the species of trees. Which includes Gilly. Of course, Gilly still working on her social skills cuz she’s like gotdamn Sam, you talkin’ too much. Sam shut up for 2 seconds and she like, muthafucka you gonna speak or what? This is how Gilly manages conversation folks… let’s just call that foreshadowing.
They arrive at Horn Hill and yeah, Sam came from ALL the privilege. This shit look like Acropolis the day it was built. Winterfell look like Beirut next to this shit. Sam greets his mother and sister Talla who suspiciously look like they rockin’ the Lannister rose collection. They both meet Gilly and I’d like to point something out here. Sam, if you don’t want the fam knowing you brought a wildling girl home for Thanksgiving, maybe stop somewhere and get a change of clothes that doesn’t say “I woke up in a camp North of the Wall like this.” Gotdamn man. Gilly look like she was caught in a fisherman’s net and they said fuck it, she can rock that, we’ll just add some insulation. Also, Sam trying to pass this little bastard off as his son, but dude is blonde as fucking European wishes, but both Sam and Gilly got hair the same color as dragon glass. Has the failed paternity of the Robert Baratheon’s kids taught us nothing?
Man, I don’t know where to begin with Tommen. Part me wants to be like, well he’s a young and impressionable kid caught between the most manipulative people in Westeros. And part me is like ALL THE KINGS THAT HAVE GOTTEN GOT ON THIS SHOW AND THIS LITTLE FLACCID DUDE IS STILL WALKING AROUND?
I’m from Akron, OH, man. Tommen couldn’t have come up with my crew. He’s the dude we would’ve took with us to ball, not let him run with us, but told him to get next just in case we lost so we wouldn’t have to come off the court. Margaery start talking about how those Ted Talks from High Sparrow are having an effect on her and we already know Tommen came to get some feels on his wife, but he gonna be leaving with ideas that weren’t originally his.
Fam, it’s dinner at the Tarly’s and this shit about as comfortable as a colonoscopy. Lord Randyll Tarly look fed up and he ain’t even took a bite of his venison yet. Sam somehow, foolishly, gets himself into a conversation about hunting, which is like most of us trying to impress folks at dinner by talking about nuclear physics. But don’t worry, it’s a really deep pool and Sam ain’t the only one that’s going to get in over their head today. Mama Tarly asks Sam if he wants more bread, to which he accepts. To which Darth Tarly says, “What, you not fat enough already?”
Gotdamn, yo. Over bread fam?! We throwing level 900 shade over some fuckin’ grains, man? Diet Tywin gives no fucks whatsoever. He been waiting to straight up destroy Sam since dude came home from break. He starts going in on Sam, talking about how the Night’s Watch was supposed to make a man out of him. Mama Tarly starts to defend him AND THEN GILLY TAGS INTO THE RING LIKE SHE BOUT TO HIT LORD TARLY WITH THE LEG DROP IN SAM’S HONOR.
Spoiler alert: The leg on Lord Tarly, she did not drop. Even Sam’s brother Dickon looking at Gilly like…
Of course, in the middle of Gilly defending her thesis, she happens to say “on our way down to Castle Black,” and you know Diet-Tywin didn’t miss that shit. He realizes that Gilly is a wildling and gotdamn does he ever hop in the booth on this shit. He’s basically pissed off because he set his expectations that Gilly was trying to re-enact the plot of Pretty Woman, but he’s even more upset because he feels like his son brought home a Democrat. A northern Democrat, at that.
Shit is all bad fam. He points to Heartsbane, the Tarly Valyrian Sword hanging on the wall and is like, “I hope you got a good memory of how this shit looks, cuz you ain’t never touching that shit.”
Sam has been banished from the house and Gilly is supposed to stay there and work the kitchens. Worst, home visit, ever fam. That awkward moment when you bring your new bae home to meet your parents and bae end up in tight dresses she can barely breath in while cleaning pots and pans and shit. Sam leaves, but then changes his mind and says, “We were meant to be together.” Sigh. I get it Sam, you can’t leave Gilly in that position (though, you kind of fucking over Little Sam Slayer cuz you moving him out of the good school district if we keepin’ it 1-hunned). But one, you in the Night’s Watch, and even though it ain’t really your son, you ain’t even supposed to be fuckin’ anyway. So it’s not like we ain’t already breaking protocol.
And two, what exactly is the plan for these star crossed lovers? Shakespeare don’t write happy endings for cats like y’all. Before they leave, Sam goes to get his daddy’s chain by retrieving Heartsbane. Dude is practically sweating while taking it down from the wall and I’m sure he wishes his family had a Valyrian dagger or short blade compared to a fuckin’ greatsword.
Arya done snuck into the theater to watch Captain America Civil War for like the 4th time. It’s her favorite part, where Joffrey gets tipsy off that purple drank. Everybody is booing but Arya giggling her ass off.
Arya slips backstage and drops that quarter water in ol girl’s rum. She gets caught coming from backstage and her mark starts sympathizing with her because she sees herself in Arya. Arya starts giving her that real world research on her part because she was fucking there. Lady Crane asks her what her name is and Arya replies that it’s “Mercy.” Gotdamnit foreshadowing, you already know where this is going. Lady Crane is about to drink her rum when Captain Save a Target come smack the poison out of her hand while blaming someone else for it.
Fam, Arya had one job. ONE JOB. Starks are terrible at two things, taking care of their pets and following fucking directions, man. Arya done caught MAAAD bodies at this point, but Mercy out here dropping her contracts on purpose? Fuck. If you gonna leave your job and create your own start-up, then you need to at least learn the business first. She ain’t even learned how to change her face yet. It vexes me, y’all. I’m terribly vexed.
She snitch to Not-Jaqen quick and Not-Jaqen orders the Code Red on Arya. I feel like Arya going and retrieving Needle is a decent sign, but considering that Bobcut beats Arya’s ass as pre-workout to get a nice sweat going, I’m not overly optimistic about my girl.
In King’s Landing, Lord Mace Tyrell, first of his lame has brought an army to stop Margaery from doing her walk of atonement. I’m sure there were an army of dudebros that didn’t want to see violence on Game of Thrones for first time because they rather see a 10-minute scene of Natalie Dormer walk naked through the street. Lord Tyrell gives the most un-Braveheart speech in history and his troops level of inspiration look like they just got the specials at Church’s Chicken read to them.
Jaime rolls up with the Tyrell army on the High Sparrow on the steps of the Sept. Jaime demanding that they release the Tyrell siblings and High Sparrow is like…
The army is ready to do some shit and slaughter the Sparrows, but High Sparrow knows that YouTube already got enough of his Tedx Talk footage to go viral, so he says there’s no need for the walk of atonement today. He says that Queen Margaery has already atoned by bringing someone else into the fold. Enter Fucking King Tommen Baratheon. Dude came out from behind the back curtain with his hands still bloody from where he stabbed his family in the back. YO, Tommen’s spine is made of Dots candy and Spirit Fingers. What in all fucks, man? I don’t mean to be crude, but Margaery must the 9th wonder of the world cuz dude basically just gave the Sparrows a seat at the highest table.
You know how there’s a club in every city that gets shot up about once every two years, and that shit will close down, then open right back the fuck up like its different, but all they did was repair some windows and change the name? They act like it’s all good now because it’s Under New Management? Fam, the Iron Throne is under New Management. Jaime looking at his folks like “this can’t be life. My bloodline is a fucking joke and Lannister gonna be extinct before the White Walkers can even make it here.” Might as well had the Sparrows pick up instruments and start playing Rains of Castamere.
OHHHH SHIT. Walder Frey still fucking alive? How Bran done aged enough that he has to have prostate exams done each year, but Walder Frey is still fucking alive? He mad that his sons are continuously fucking up and this time, they lost River Run because BlackFish Da Gawd took it back. Shit is bad for the Freys, but they still got Edmure’s punk ass in chains. They might use him to negotiate, though I hope it doesn’t include him trying to hit anything with a bow and arrow cuz this shit could be over before it starts for him if that’s the case.
Back up North, its revealed that the rider that saved Bran and Meera is in fact another Stark who went and got fucked up, uncle Benjen. Dude took that trip up North and then was gone till November. He said he got stabbed by a White Walker and left to die, but the Children found him and saved him by shoving some dragonglass into his heart. Apparently Dragonglass has the same effect that the adrenaline shot in Pulp Fiction had.
Then what follows is a bunch of cryptic talk about how Bran isn’t ready. How he can’t control it. But he must control it. And when the Night King comes, he’ll be there, waiting for him. So, I’m sorry, I’ve got a dumb question. WHAT THE FUCK IS BRAN SUPPOSED TO DO EXACTLY? Besides get a good parking spot? I swear to Bast the Panther God, if Bran’s super power is inception, then I better at least get a dope ass Joseph Gordon-Levitt action sequence out of this shit. I’m sorry, I still haven’t come to grips with Brandon Privilege-Was-The-Case-That-They-Gave-Me Stark being the most important person in Game of Thrones. Dude has failed his way up the ladder by literally never listening to anyone.
Across the Narrow Sea, Danaerys is leading her Khalasar when she sees some dust kicking up in between the hills. She is ready to actually go conquer Westeros, but yo, we’ve heard THAT shit, before. She rides ahead, to investigate… a breeze. By herself, of course. I’m sure all of this makes sense to someone. After these dudes have waited around for a while, Danaerys comes back on private Dragon Jet to wow and amaze the crowd. I mean, I’m kind of tired of the Danaerys the savior trope we’ve been experiencing over and over again for a solid 5 seasons now, but muthafuckas can be pretty compelling when they are sitting on the back of a gotdamn dragon.
I imagine Obama could’ve gotten gun control laws passed if dude came up in the chamber on Drogon’s back and a pocket empty where his fucks used to be. But like, who gonna be the dude NOT CHEERING for his queen when she giving a speech from the hottest pulpit in Essos? I mean, I know some folks want to do their own thing and not follow the crowd, but they ain’t facing down no dragons, yo. You better raise your sword with some purpose, b. We marching on Westeros, fam.