Season: 6 / Episode: 4 / HBO
***Spoilers were about to walk off the job angrily, but stuck around to see what the severance package was***
So look, many years ago I got into an argument with a woman I had been dating, right? Sometimes you just KNOW that you right, so you milk the hell out of it. I gave this charismatic, yet respectable takedown of everything that went wrong in our relationship, then got my method acting on and showed her how much it pained me to be leaving for good. I peaced out, closed the door slowly behind me, shit barely made a hush as I left her apartment. And that was that. Perfect fucking dismount.
…until I was knocking on her door 90 seconds later. She lookin’ at me like, TF, did you change your mind or something? And sheepishly, I just looked at her and said, yeah, so, I forgot my Six Feet Under DVD boxed set… you mind if I just, like, grab that, real quick?
1) That’s what this shit with Jon Snow look like, man. I think we all assumed dude was going to walk out into the snow with no cloak, just him, his hair, Longclaw, and Ghost walking behind him in the woods. Naw fam, this dude landed the perfect fucking dismount of walking off his job, then went back into the offices to sign his separation paperwork so that he could still get all his vacation time paid out.
2) The previous story about me, the breakup, and the DVDs was back when DVD boxed sets used to cost you like $80, fam. For one GOTDAMN season! Pre-Bluray! $80! I don’t always put a price on my pride, but that day, that shit was $80 plus tax.
So Jon is still at The Wall negotiating with HR and shit. Suddenly the horn sounds, meaning The Watch got visitors. And who these visitors be but BRIENNE, POD, AND SANSA STARK, ARE YOU TELLING ME JOKES, FAM?!
Jon and Sansa ain’t seen each other since Sansa had red hair instead of her current color which can best be described as “soil.” Last time they saw each other Sean Bean was still getting paid by HBO and the Baratheon House still had 3 living sons. This a big fuckin’ deal, yo. Starks only get to talk to each other on screen about as much as two Black actors get nominated for an Oscar in the same category. Shit is like Halley’s Comet. Also, this exchange:
[quote_simple]Sansa: I spent a lot of time thinking about how big an ass I was to you.
Jon: Nah, we were young.
Sansa: No, I was terrible to you.
Jon: Okay, you were occasionally terrible.
Jon: I mean, you were out of pocket like a muthafucka sometimes.
Jon: Like, you were a real dick if we keepin’ it One Hunned…
Sansa: I think I got it, Snow.[/quote_simple]
Outside, Ser Davos rolls up on Melisandre since he hasn’t gotten the chance to congratulate her on passing her necromancer midterm. He asks if she gonna Take the Black and chill at Castle Black, and she says she gonna do whatever Jon Snow commands her to do. Maaaaaan, listen. Davos lookin’ at her like like he was the plight and difficulties the wildlings face among the Night’s Watch and she just said that all lives matter. Davos like, um, so you trading in that old reliable Buick (Stannis) for the V6 2016 model, but your lease ain’t even up? Melisandre don’t really want to explain why she just started rooting for the Golden State Warriors two years ago, so she tries to walk away.
Davos putting this shit together like naaaaaah, b. Where my king at, yo? Sheeyet, where the Princess at, witch?! But before she has to tell Davos that she Joan of Arc-ed Shireen, Six-Foot-Five Brienne roll up on them like, “Fuck y’all lames talkin’ ’bout?” Then Brienne just GATHERS Melisandre, talkin’ about how Stannis got blown out in the Northern semi-finals and about how he admitted that he killed Renly with blood magic. All the while staring at Melisandre with that “I wish a muthafucka would” face on. How she know all this? Stannis confessed that shit before she put Oathkeeper up in his personal space.
You know, I talk mad shit about Tommen and Bran too, to some extent, but that’s my bad because I forgot about the most useless nobility in Thrones, which is Robin Arryn of The Vale. Robin is what happens when Similac, a Princess Bride marathon, and privilege manifests itself into an actual person.
Every time we see one of these weak dudes ascend to Lord or King of some shit, it just reminds me how fucking gangsta Rob Stark was, man. Or rather, it reminds me how much better the women in this show are at actually running some shit when they get take the opportunity. I guess I should mention that Peter Baelish is back, which means he had to notify The Vale that he was moving back into the neighborhood so they could register him. He still conniving as all hell and him being able to wield a whole battle-ready house like that is worrisome to say the least.
In Meereen, Tyrion is trying to broker a peace with the slavers and before this shit gets started, Missandei and Grey Worm are FED UP. Look, Tyrion that dude, he’s BEEN that dude. But right now, your boy is in the super “well intentioned but White as all hell” ally status. Tyrion is the guy who hears folks talking about racism and butts in with some “but Irish people were the first slaves” type shit. Tyrion was a slave for about the same length of time between when that reporter asked Rachel Dolezal if her father was Black and when Rachel Dolezal walked off camera without answering the question. But he out here telling Brown folks that were born into slavery how horrible that shit was. Aiight fam.
Inside the pyramid, Tyrion is negotiating with the slave masters by giving these muthafuckas an extension on those slave tax returns. Wish my fucking student loans had the same generosity that Tyrion got with these slavers, fam. Tyrion and the squad leave after giving the terms and some free men are disgusted this shit even went down. Tyrion tries to speak Valyrian to these cats, but he fuckin’ up all the proper nouns and shit. Grey Worm lookin’ at him like, fam, I only know like 8 words and I can tell you fuckin’ this shit up. After throwing Grey Worm under the bus, Tyrion tells them that the queen is coming back soon.
Quick note: I love Missandei. LOVE Missandei. And I don’t want her to do anything else than what she’s doing cuz she’s perfect at it. But yo, you trying to tell me that Missandei in this outfit couldn’t be an Amazon in the new Wonder Woman flick? She don’t look like she Straight Outta Themyscira? She can’t rock a spear and shield, fam? Sheeeyet.
Look fam, I don’t fux with Jorah cuz dude is the definition of boundary issues and probably couldn’t spell consent if the shit was translated from High Valyrian. But was Daario always this much of a fuckboy? You ever meet someone and within 5 minutes of talking to them, you’re like, “yeah, you ain’t never really had your ass beat before.” That’s this muthafucka, man. And he out here talkin’ about “Riding the Dragon” on some gotdamn locker room talk? Fuck outta here, man.
While they are dropping their weapons before entering the Dothraki city, Daario sees that Jorah been working on his stoic demeanor when he sees the greyscale on his wrist. Fam, that shit look like a gotdamn patio on his forearm now. Dude gonna be a sculpture before they make it back to Meereen. The buddy cop shit was real cute until these cats get caught and exposed by a couple of Dothraki. Man, the fact that Jorah is becoming a quarry must really be taking its toll cuz he getting smacked around like Joey Bats.
Jorah once killed a fuckin’ Bloodrider for Khal Drogo, but now he out here getting bodied by a dude that looks like he was once in a 90s R&B group? Shit is rough out here for an Andal, fam. Eventually Daario saves his ass, then pummels dude with a rock to cover up the stab wound.
Khaleesi up in the temple listening to Galina “Red” Reznikov and she look bored as fuck. She wearing that face you have when you’re stuck in a conversation and you can’t get out of it… cuz you’re in fuckin’ prison. Khaleesi say she gotta go “make water” and gets the youngest sista up in there to shadow her. Fuckboy and Stonehenge snatch her up and try to sneak Daenerys out, but she has a better idea.
Margaery I’m-dirty-but-ain’t-I-still-fly Tyrell gets an audience with the High Sparrow. Yo, the High Sparrow is basically giving a fucking Tedx Talk every week now. I am all about Jonathan Pryce getting all the script work, but the King’s Landing scenes this season has basically been the Sparrow prequel movies at this point. Dude tells the story about how he used to be Hollywood Cole but found religion when he was at peak depravity. Props, I guess. I mean, that’s one way to go. The other would be Robert Baratheon, most likely.
Margaery gets taken to see her brother Loras and let’s just be real about this shit: if there were any debate on who the stronger sibling was (and there probably wasn’t), then this shit answered it. To be fair, I don’t know what they been doing to Loras and I can’t imagine the shit has been has dignified. But dude sounded like he was asking his sister to give him the Kevorkian and Margaery looking at this dude like… are you fucking serious right now? Is this what we’re doing? Oh, now we’re sobbing and I’m rocking you back and forth, yep, I guess this is what we’re doing then.
Man, ever since Tommen and Cersei started going to the same barber, Tommen been even more gutless than before. He tells Cersei that Margaery ’bout to do that Cersei Walk in Central Park. Which, obviously, the High Sparrow knew this muthafucka was going to do. Lannisters are plotting with the Tyrells to stop that from happening, but none of them asking how easily they came upon this information or talking about the fact that they haven’t outflanked the Sparrows yet.
Theon is on his way back to the Iron Islands, returning with a lot less appendages then what he left with. Yara sitting up in the master’s quarters. Yara like, how you gonna roll up in here like your ass didn’t crawl back into the cage when my men died trying to get you out.
Look fam, Sansa and Jon, Margaery and Loras, Yara and Theon, this episode has been about women snatching up their brothers and telling them to get a fuckin’ grip. Seriously, everybody need to be on this Dorne shit and say, you know what, might be time for some estrogen to get a fuckin’ shot at the crown cuz y’all muthafuckas ain’t got the ovaries for this.
Seriously, if you didn’t know that Osha was dead as fuck when she first walked in and saw the knife on the table, then you just not paying attention. Ramsey is exactly the dude that would make someone shower before he merked them in gory, blood-spurting fashion. And y’all don’t even want to hear this, but let’s all be glad that he just killed her, okay.
A rider from House Bolton comes to Castle Black and Ramsey in the letter talkin’ ALL THAT SHIT. Jon reading this shit and Ramsay might as well be saying, Fuck House Stark, fuck The Night’s Watch, fuck your dirty little brother, fuck your Auburn haired sister, fuck your wildling army, and fuck the Queen. This is Winterfell, bastard. My dogs are hungry and my banner is flayed.
Once again, Sansa gotta nerve pretty boy up to go do some some real shit, like get their home back. I mean, it’s about fuckin’ time, man. Sansa out here like, “I want, my corners!”
In the Dothraki sacred city, the Khal and the Bloodriders choppin’ it up about one of the DeBarge brothers being found with his head caved in. Some want to run through the city and find who did it, but the Khal is like, naw man, this survival of the fittest, fuck him for catching the fade like that. They bring in Daenerys and offer her the deal about remaining with the Dosh Khaleen. After they get done talking all their shit, like the widow of a Khal never picked up some Dothraki linguistics that one time she studied abroad and and became a queen. Daenerys is like, yo, I ate a fuckin’ horse heart, b. In one sitting. I watched my husband pour some melted herringbone chains over my brother’s head. None of you New Power Generation lookin’ bastards scare me. Right after she gets done telling them that she should be leading the Dothraki, Khal is like, okay, so you chose the hate crime way, fair enough.
Dudes are like, we ain’t serving you, but they forgetting that when she read her resume to these dudes a couple episodes back, one of those titles was the “Unburnt.” She start kicking over pyres and shit like Snoop in the “New York New York” video.
These bastards running for their lives, but her loyal subjects locked that shit from the outside so they can’t escape. Muthafuckas are catching those not nickels left and right. Khal Moro looks like he’s about to at least try and take Daenerys with him, but the queen is literally standing in the fire. She look at this dude like, “are y’all finished or are y’all done?” before she kicks over the last pyre.
All the Dothraki are gathering outside of the burning temple and finally Katniss Everdeen comes walking out the front, clothes burnt off, but hair still nappy and white, no ashes in that shit or nothing. Folks are like, damn, guess she wasn’t playing. And that shit was so dope. Sooooo dope…
…and then, for like the third time in this series, a legion of Brown folks knelt at Daenerys’ feet. And I was like…oh.