Season: 7 / Episode: 1 / HBO
***Spoilers be arriving by sea, serving looks and not saying a damn thing.***
Maaaaaaaaan, you know when Thrones do the cold open that indeed, some cold shit bout to go down. We spent all this time waiting for Thrones to come back and we start this shit at the Twins. At literal fuckboi central with the bastard/incest Freys. Which is just like all the other incest kingdoms except not as pretty. Walder having another feast for his peoples, so either this is a flashback or…
Walder addressing his folks, giving them second breakfast and shit, to celebrate holding down the Riverlands. He raises a toast but these muthafuckas should’ve known something was off cuz they all drinking Arbor Gold and you know these smelly-lookin’ bastards ain’t got champagne palette like that. Basically, if Jay-Z has rapped about it, it’s out of your price range, Freys. After everybody gets their sip on, he starts congratulating them on bringing down the Starks, but then that shit got way too specific.
Good job on killing the Starks!
Butchered a woman who was with child!
Slit the throat of a mother of 5 children!
(Ok, that wasn’t me but…)
Slaughtered the guests you invited into your home.
(So, I feel like there’s a turn coming and maybe I should stop cheering)
By the time Walder get to the part about not all the Starks being dead, these “my daddy is my great granddaddy too” muthafuckas start keeling over, spitting up their stomach lining and shit.
Leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe.
Gotttttttdamn, you already know what this is, fam. Wu-Arya ain’t nothing to fuck with! Are you serious right now? Are you serious? In the name of tradition, my boy Mic Write called this shit the White Reception and I ain’t mad, fam. Arya gotta John Wick body count at this point. If Cersei didn’t have that huge game in the finale last year, Arya might be leading the Eastern Conference in kills per season right now.
She pulled that mask off and turned to the young lady of the house (now) and straight up Agent 47’d the delivery with:
Fuuuuuuuuck. Anybody telling you that Arya ain’t the realest in Westeros is fake news. We ain’t but six minutes into the season and the Young Wolf puttin’ AYEBODY on notice.
This shit lookin’ real Gorillas in the Mist until you realize it’s the opening for Ice King Magneto’s rap video. The undead as fuck rolling through the snow fog on a mission like the beat could drop at any minute. Also, can we talk about the fact that at least two giants made the playoff roster for the North Wall Wights? This some Tim Duncan / David Robinson twin towers shit. How you supposed to stop that post game, fam? Crushes free folk? With his Zombie hands? Walker please. I ain’t ready. Like, none of us are ready.
Oh lord, here go, paralyzed in the streets, warg in the sheets Bran. Meera Reed should be ready for a fuckin’ decathalon at this point since she done dragged Bran’s useless, negligent ass across the northern hemisphere. If Meera ain’t got Tina Turner legs, I’m just gonna assume that shit got something to do with her diet. I don’t know if they invented the stiletto in Westeros yet, but her evening attire game gotta be next level at this point.
Night’s Watch is skeptical that this is the Bran Stark. Bran tells them that he’s seen the army of the dead and Ice King Magneto…which ain’t proof of who the fuck he is but aiight. Whatever. That just means he get the North of the Wall Gazette. Ayebody talking about Hardhome, fam. I need something more concrete than, “heard some wild shit went down.”
At Winterfell, King Snow (is it still Snow, like, can you be a recognized bastard king? I just ain’t heard anybody drop that Stark title on him, so I dunno). King is like, yo, we need dragonglass, but we also need some gender fighting equality outchea.
And when some thickheaded cat start talking about he ain’t trying to have his granddaughter train with a spear…
OK, look, I know the internet has a collective crush, but Lady Mormont gotta be in your top five power rankings or you just ain’t Throning™ right, fam. I really thought she was gonna keep coming back with shit every time dude opened his mouth.
I don’t plan on sitting by the fire while men fight for me.
But my lady—
And I don’t need your permission to defend the north.
OK, I was just saying—
4:44 was good but not as good as the hype made it out to be.
Wait, who said anything about—
It’s crazy we just gonna act like all is forgiven with Jay after he put wife’s business all out in the King’s Road like that.
OK, I don’t even have Tidal so…
Lemonade still knocks in the carriage!
King Pomade get the mic back and start talking about assigning castles, but that starts up a disagreement about who should be running those castles since the Umbers and the Karstarks betrayed the Starks and sided with the fuckboi formerly known as Ramsay, currently known as Alpo. Jigga ain’t the only one that missed lessons from the Godfather cuz Sansa out here disagreeing with the family in front of company like Sonny, fam. Even if ya know, she was probably right. Especially with this bar.
[quote_simple]”So there’s no punishment for treason and no reward for loyalty.”[/quote_simple]
Yiiiiiiikes. See, Jon, this is how you get primaried in the upcoming election, fam. Sansa out here working for the people and you like nah, these folks in Washington are doing fine, they just need another chance. Sheiiiit. Sansa start talking that economic anxiety and you might be a single-term king bruh.
Sansa and Jon doing the replay shit and Jon is like, fam, you can’t be coming for my neck in front of company like that. Sansa then says the REALEST SHIT.
This is the worst kept secret in Thrones, man. As revered as Ned and Rob and the whole Stark family is, they did some of the DUMBEST shit. And not in retrospect, in real fuckin’ time that shit looked dumb, yo. And I know she wasn’t included because she wasn’t leading the family, but let’s not forget that Catelyn did some dumb shit too. Basically, the best decision that any Stark has made to this point was getting the fuck out of Westeros.
Cersei has sent a raven talking about come bend the knee or be destroyed. Um, AYETIME A STARK IS SUMMONED TO KING’S LANDING THAT SHIT ENDS IN FIRE AND TEARS YO. You gotta better chance living a nice full life as a Kennedy than surviving a summons to King’s Landing as a Stark, fam. Jon gotta break out the untraceable “return to sender, address not found” raven for that.
Our first visit to King’s Landing and Cersei out here, literally standing on top of the world while the map maker remakes the land under her feet. Jaime come through and within about 30 seconds, something becomes very fuckin’ clear. Jaime don’t give a good gotdamn about taking over the world and ruling the kingdom. That’s Cersei’s shit. Only thing Jaime ever wanted to do was please his father, drink with his brother, and love on his sister.
Now your boy is stuck in the worst Jules Winfield “My girlfriend is a vegetarian, so that basically makes me a vegetarian” relationship ever. He literally wants none of this shit. All his niece/nephew kids are dead. His pops is dead. Tyrion is fighting for the team with Dragons and the actual rightful heir to the throne. If Cersei was like, fuck it, let’s retire to Lannisport, Jaime would probably drop all this shit right now. Instead, your boy gotta plan for 3-front-war while he works for a Queen that thinks somebody has betrayed you if they don’t wanna fuck with you after you killed their whole fuckin’ family (Lady Olenna). Jaime gotta let go of that first love, man. Start working out again. Get his golden arm strong and start hitting the club cuz we know what dead-end relationships look like. And fam, if you’ve already had three of your children die before they turn 16, I don’t think the shit gets any fucking better.
Cersei think everybody betrayed her, thinks Sansa is a murderer (Jigga on Life of OJ chuckle, “OK” on that one) and that because she’s the queen of the seven kingdoms, she deserves fealty. Jaime is like, oh, seven kingdoms sis?
Jaime is like, so, at the very least, we need some dudes that gonna take some arrows for us or this shit over before it begins. Cersei is like, OK, I got something for you.
Jaime: [sees Greyjoy ships]
[looks around some more]
Jaime: Ok, you’re fucking kidding me right? Tell me there’s something under the invisible chair I’m not even sitting in right now.
For real, if it ain’t Asha Greyjoy, it ain’t reaalllll. Jaime is like, deadass, these fish-smell muthafuckas ain’t good at anything, b. ANYTHING. All they do is sample, they can’t create no beats on their own, nahmean? You really trying to spend studio time on these Fisher Price drum snare bastards? But Cersei is like, Euron came here for a queen.
Jaime: …Oh fuck you, bruh.
Bruh…Euron sailed across the whole damn sea to show up in King’s Landing looking like he used to play second guitar for an indie rock band and used to date the woman that the lead singer now dates, before he got kicked out the group when he stopped showing up for rehearsals and came to their Riverlands headliner show late cuz he was doing coke off the back of a freefolk roadie that bragged about seeing a giant before.
Seriously, Euron look like the muthafucka that cusses out all of his friends because they took his keys away when it was evident he was too drunk to sail home that night. I’m not saying Cersei deserve that much respect, I’m just saying you can’t show up in the Queen’s Court looking like you still mad that all six of the liberal arts colleges you applied to denied you admission. What are we even doing, yo?
And the shit only get worse when Euron open his mouth. Your boy out here waxing poetic about the time Jaime was in his prime, putting up Jordan numbers and killing Euron’s people. Apparently, Euron had his popcorn and 3-D Glasses ready, watching Jaime do work on his kin.
In case we forgot, these are the best allies the Lannisters got right now, fam.
Euron says that all he wants in return for his 1,000 ships is to marry the most beautiful woman in Westeros.
Gotta give credit where its due, this scene starts with a harmonious spectacle of the great library and all the reflecting mirrors with sunlight shining through it. What follows next is shit. Literal shit. And a lot of it. Like, a for real super cut of Sam doing buddy adventures with human feces.
It was at this point that Sam realized that an undergrad was probably enough.
Sam got the worst fucking work study bruh. All your boy do is empty shit into more shit, carry heavy ass books, and weigh organs. I feel like Sam needs to register a lot earlier next semester before all the good classes are taken.
Sam trying to get access to the restricted library where the good learning be at and shit, but the archmaester is like, nah, probably not. He then gives a good speech about no matter how bad things are, when it seems like the world is going to end (like the White Walkers coming) they always live on. Which would be dope if we weren’t living through a presidency where every fucking day it feels like irreparable damage was being done. Sam is like, cool, good talk, then still steals the keys to the forbidden section of the library off a dude later that looks for real deceased.
At Winterfell, Brienne is training Podrick and yo…why does Podrick still suck, fam? They spent like 7 episodes last season doing nothing but training, talking about Renly Baratheon, and watching for a fucking candle in a tower. If Brienne is the Dark Knight, then Pocrick should at least be Nightwing by this point.
But also, why is Pod’s legacy that he always getting washed in sparring sessions? Oh, well, I guess he has that other legacy where he’s the fuckin’ Ron Jeremy of Westeros.
While Pod is getting washed, Tormund come over straight up looking HUNGRY. Gotdamn man, somebody look at you like that, you gotta wonder if you been dipped in gravy or some shit.
Sansa watching it all from afar when Lil Restraining Order roll up on her. Sansa needs some invisible fencing when this dude gets within 10 feet so that his sigil turns into an electric shock or some shit.
I gotta say, one of my favorite things on this show right now is watching Sansa curve Lil Restraining Order, man. She be saving the best bars for him.
Fuuuuucccckkkk. Like, LRO gotta pack this shit in right? There is legit nothing dude is gonna do to win over Sansa like that. Brienne spidey sense was tingling so she came up to see what it do, so LRO makes his exit. She asked Sansa why dude still here even though he probably ain’t supposed to leave the state with them pending charges he got, but Sansa says that they need his army from the Vale.
Arya making her way through the woods lookin’ like a playable character from The Witcher series.
She come up on some Lannister soldiers with this muthafucka Ed Sheeran out here crooning “Hands of Gold” (a book classic). Like…OK, but… what are we doing, fam? We doing this cute wink and a nod shit on a show that disembowels folks? OK. Not like Ed had a helmet on or anything. Bruh wasn’t a Lannister soldier played by Ed Sheeran, it was Ed Sheeran in Lannister armor.
Arya breaks bread (or gopher, whatever the fuck that lean meat on a stick was) with the soldiers and the shit was real sweet. So, I’m wondering if next episode we gonna see Ed Sheeran and the Shape of You Boys opened up like a birthday present. Arya ain’t bout to just break bread with the fucking Trumps of Westeros and not murder every single one of those bastards. Especially after she joked, (hardy har) about killing the queen. It’s a good possibility half them dudes were still laughing when Needle got all up in their personal space.
The Hound is rolling with the Brotherhood without Banners (or Lady Stoneheart…) and they come up on the family in the spot where Hound told them to Run the Jewels. After sitting in the room with the father and daughter he basically made starve to death, Hound start wondering why he keeps getting brought back to life. Red Priest tells the Hound to look into the flames cuz the Lord of Light got answers. Maaaaaan, The Hound look into the flames and apparently that shit is a fucking movieplex. That shit just look like fire to me, but this dude out here seeing The Truth the Elric Brothers saw, the light sequence from Space Odyssey 2001, the real lyrics that Lloyd wrote down when he got in the booth on “You,” all of that shit.
Whatever else The Hound saw spooked your boy and got him out in the middle of the snowy night digging graves for the people he robbed and left to die. He start saying a prayer for them, but forgets that shit about a quarter of the way through and says fuck it before walking off. Which is basically what Mariah Carey did on New Year’s Eve.
Over on the south side of the Citadel, Sam reading from the banned books while Gilly is living out her 80s sitcom dreams by playing house. Sam trying to finish his semester reading when he sees that there is a mountain of dragonglass at Dragonstone. Knowing this shit is important and might actually make all the shit shoveling worthwhile, he starts to write Jon about it. Later Sam is picking up the food from some inpatients when a hand tries to reach out from the cell towards him. Man, Game of Thrones doing jump scares now? Is nothing sacred?! It’s the fucking lesser Mormont, the real Mormont’s cousin. While Lyanna up in the North winning the popular vote, Jorah down here at the Citadel turning into Smeagal. Jorah look like he should be in Batman’s rogues gallery, fam. He out here asking if Daenerys is here yet and I’m like bruh!
BUT DAENERYS IS HERE, MY TARGARYANS.
Daenerys out here serving fucking looks, fam. She looked like she just stood naked in a room for 6 hours while they stitched some cured leather around her. Whole damn crew lookin’ Westerosi Elle Magazine Fashion preview. They out here looking like the recreating The Firm album cover.
And finally, just like that Danny is finally in fucking Westeros, touching down at Dragonstone. Not gonna lie man, no matter how you feel about White Haired Hillary for ‘16, this shit was fucking dope as hell. Not a gotdamn word is said while Danny walks ahead of the Unsullied and her court. Fuckin’ score start swelling when they open the Jurassic Park doors. Walkway looking like the Great Wall and shit. Danny don’t say shit when she rip down the Baratheon banner (and leaves that shit on the fucking floor, no dobut). Walks into the throne room and I like this shit so much better than King’s Landing already.
They walk into the strategy room, shit got dragons carved into the walls and I’m like…my office could use an upgrade. Danny running her hand along the famous map table that Melissandre once conceived a demon spirit assassin baby on. And finally, after the long walk, with Danny at the head of the table, she breaks the silence with:
AAAAAARRRRGGHHHH that was the hardest shit, fam. That took me from “Girl I guess I’m with her” to “Let’s see how she does in the debates” status.
Game of Thrones is back, y’all! Follow us on Twitter for our weekly live tweet using the #DemThrones tag, and don’t worry, the recaps will continue!
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Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)
Dany was all like, “Shall we begin?”, and I was all like, “Yes, Lisa,” ’cause I like mixing my genres and references and shit.
I read other recaps but I don’t feel like my recap trolling is complete until this one comes up. Well done.
Wait… I gotta go back to the “twin towers”. #sodamnawesome
The. Best. Reviews. Ever. Never change.
OK, well, I’m definitely bookmarking this because it’s my absolute favorite GoT review OF ALL TIME. Amazing. XD
Amazing review! This is the kind of reading I need to get the dullness of academia out haha
This recap be giving me so much life.#winning
I’ve been waiting 13 months to read this recap. I was honestly more excited about this than the actual season starting.
THIS! 100x THIS! This was so damn good. It’s always on point. This is how you open a season! Ready for the next one!
You’re a freaking genius!
This ish right here???? EVERYTHING!
Genius as hell!! My new Must Read – Thanks!
This review is Meh, I have read better
This was hilarious!!!!
I do think you’re mixing up Walter Frey with Craster and his daughter/wives(Gilly’s dad/baby daddy). Frey is an old creeper who had a boatload of young wives, but none of them were relatives.
Walder* stupid autocorrect
Now that’s how you break it down!
Brilliant review, brother!
Arya done sampled that “Reynes of Castamere” lyric and put out a new track, “Do You Want Freys With That?”