Season: 6 / Episode: 3 / HBO
***Spoilers be quitting their job and saying the hell with my 401K***
Maaaaaaan, I ain’t even gonna stand on ceremony. HBO be starting this shit at 9:07, just to play with cats, so I’m just gonna get right into this Hardcore Gangsta Shit. This shit open with Davos looking like he done seen a ghost, which is surprisingly in the fucking neighborhood for what he’s witnessing. Here he is, in all of his Black Curl Jesus glory, the risen, Jon 50 Cent Snow. Your boy sitting up on the table naked as the day he was (re)born like this the beginning of a Terminator flick or some shit.
This dude was making a slow recovery till he saw that his brothers done carved about six smiley faces into his torso and you know what, I’d be hyperventilating too. Melisandre comes in with a mixture of disbelief and sexual arousal on her face. Her predatory ass wanted to be like, “he’s alive…but…HOW alive is he?” She asks him what the afterlife is like and Jon was like, shit was mad boring. Afterlife must be like having a layover in Chicago Midway with no WiFi and a connecting flight that never fucking comes.
Davos is like, so I know you just came back from the dead and shit, but um, I need you to clock back in and finish your shift. Jon is like, I failed, to which Davos tells him to go fail again. Muthafucka, do you NOT remember that one time six black cloak bastards shived me in the yard and let your boy bleed out in the snow like a gotdamn savage? What kind of fucked up Groundhog Day you trying to put me in?
Jon goes outside to address his constituents and I gotta say, I know these cats seen some shit…like giants… but these dudes seem pretty underwhelmed to be witnessing a muthafucka that just came back from the dead. Dudes acting like he just got done doing a bid in Rikers and they threw a cookout for his release.
Look, I don’t have a whole lot of shit to say about Sam and Gilly on the boat except I’m so happy I ain’t reading A Feast For Crows with these chapters again. Fam, Sam basically loses his virginity for 142 pages of that book. And the baby cries. For 142 pages. Shit was stressful yo. At least here, Sam throws up for 2 minutes and becomes a stepfather with expediency.
Listen, I’m gonna tell you right off the jump. This jumped to one of my top 10 favorite scenes in all of Thrones (I think another scene later made it in that top 10 too). But listen. Bran and the Three Eyed Raven getting their Statler and Waldorf on as the Young Gawd Lord Ned Stark and his crew roll up on two cats who ain’t had shit to do the whole war but sharpen their swords and polish up their footwork. These dudes were guarding a tower while Prince Rhaegar was getting that majestic hammer to the chest at the Trident. I like cocky Ned Stark man. I mean…he almost got put on the summer jam screen, but I fux with him. One of the cats guarding the tower is Ser Arthur Dayne aka Sword of the Morning aka Get Them Bodied aka I Rock About Two of Them Swords ‘Cuz That’s Just What I’m Used To aka Arthur Blanco from the Bronx.
Let me be clear about something. When the Prince pulled two of the Kingsguard off for a special assignment that was so important they weren’t part of the actual war or guarding the king, I need you bastards to know something ain’t normal. Ned brought 5 muthafuckas with him for this battle and he gonna be visiting 5 homes delivering bad news. He kills one cat, but that shit got down to 5 of them (including Ned) vs Ser Dayne AND THAT SHIT WAS NOT A FAIR FIGHT WHATSOEVER. I really wish they gave us the tracking shot of Ser Dayne’s swords where the right one said “We don’t believe you” and the left one said “You need more people.” Dude went through Ned’s whole crew like West Nile virus, fam. Ser Dayne really needs his own Jay Electronica remix. They call me Sword of the Morning, fuck that. Call me Sword of the Scorching, Sword of the Enforcing, Sword of No Mercy, The Seven Protected by the Two Swords with Ill Shit in his Veins Coursing.
Right before Ser Dayne completely changes the whole Game of Thrones story as we know it by killing Ned, one of the almost dead bastards jumps up and stabs the Gawd Swordsman in the back. Ned finishes him off, then lies for the rest of his natural life about how he beat dude in combat. Never meet your heroes in their past man. Shit will ruin you. Bran wants to see what’s in the tower, but the Three Eyed Raven is like, “naw, even the book readers ain’t seen that shit yet!” before he pulls Bran out.
Daenerys is walking with the Dothraki horde towards the rest of the Dosh Khaleen. I always make jokes about Such-and-Such place where Such-and-Such goes to die. But this is literally where women whose Khal husbands got killed go to die.
As soon as Daenerys is in there, they strip her down, take her jewelry and hit her with the orange jumpsuit like she got convicted of mail fraud. They up in here for real looking like Brown Leather is the New Black.
Varys is chillin in the throne room when the Unsullied guards bring in ol’ girl that set up the finest dead man in Meereen last season. It doesn’t matter what continent that Varys is on, your boy is like the Shadow Broker from Mass Effect. This muthafucka knows every gotdamn thing. He hits ol’ girl with her government name, so you know shit is real. Then he name drops her kid on some “nice shop, hope nothing happens to it” type shit. Varys out here making deals and getting info like the Wolf of Meereen Street. He promises to put Vala and her son on a ship for Pentos if she wears a snitch jacket and she was like, “shit, this joint comes in my size too? SHEEEEYET, I’m gonna rock this right now.”
Meanwhile, Tyrion is trying to strike up a conversation with Grey Worm and Missandei and Grey Worm is looking at dude like, you really interrupting my quiet time with my lady fam. Tyrion is like let’s a play game and Missandei is like, “You mean the game where you tip your ass up out the room so that me and my boo can get this Black on Black Love over one time before he goes on patrol?”
Thankfully Varys comes back with the info that the Sons of the Harpy are funded by all the masters of the rival cities neighboring Meereen. Fun. Missandei is like, um, can we just kill these muthafuckas or nah?
While Varys is talking about how much he trusts his little birds, Qyburn is in Kings Landing using Varys’ old network. Varys had a ran a gotdamn Spy Orphanage man. The Little Birds leave with their candy and Jaime, who has complete lost his testicular fortitude along with his hand, wants Zombie Clegane to kill the High Sparrow.
Cersei is fed up and wants to know about everything going on in the seven kingdoms. So… welcome to the birth of the NSA folks. They walk in on the small council and yo, how the fuck is Maester Pycelle still alive? Dude chases down stupid shit to say at the wrong time like dogs chase cars, yo. You know when you don’t want to talk shit about Zombie Clegane? When Zombie Clegane is standing 8 feet away. IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN’T HEAR A 7 FOOT 400 POUND DUDE NICKNAMED THE MOUNTAIN IN FULL KNIGHT’S ARMOR WHEN HE WALKS IN THE ROOM.
The incest twins hijack the meeting, which is just more ammo for Lady Tyrell to throw shade.
But if you thought Jaime was acting like a punk before, then you’ll be happy to hear that shit might be in his DNA. Tommen tried to grow some steel in his spine, but it’s the steel that the contractors got from the scrap heap and that shit can’t keep a gotdamn shack up in a light breeze. High Sparrow basically talked about The Mother, the absence of his own mother, and basically had Tommen ready to curl up and ask for a bowl of milk by the end of it. We had Tywin Lannister fam…male bloodline is fucking diminishing by the day, yo.
Look yo, if you been reading these recaps, you know that Arya “Stick Them with the Pointy End” Stark been my favorite character in this whole many-faced-God-forsaken universe. Shit broke me in half when I had to watch her blind, bummy, and getting the ever-loving-shit beat out of her for two episodes. But yo, I was straight up John Boyega watching the Stars trailer for this shit.
After I flipped over the couch, I went to high five my wife, but then remembered she was already asleep…but probably not any more since I had been yelling for the last 30 seconds. Arya back, yo. ARYA A GIRL NEEDS A NAME STARK BAAAAAAACCKKKK. She went from almost getting her teeth knocked out to going full Murdock and using her radar vision to give Bobcut that Bo staff work.
When Bobcut said her list was short and Arya hit her with the “Which name would you like a girl to speak” I almost booked my trip to fucking Bravos right then and there, then caught the first boat to the House of Black and White. I’m a believer, yo. Arya holds out and Not Jacqen finally gives her her eyes back. CAN WE GET THIS NINJA GAIDEN SHIT POPPIN OFF NOW! Gotdamn, my body is ready.
Lord Umber up in Winterfell talking the the new Lord Bolton, UGH. Lord Bolton. This Lucifer muthafucka here man. Lord Umber is talking all the shit to Ramsay like he just got done on the Breakfast Club and they ain’t put no respeck on his name. Ramsay like, you should kneel. Lord Umber is like um, fuck that.
Instead, Lord Umber got something far better than loyalty, he’s got the youngest fuckin’ Stark. Yo…can one Stark, one fuckin’ Stark do their job right the first time? Just one. Lord Umber is the northernmost house, how the fuck they catch Rickon who’s supposed to be going south and getting away from Winterfell? First family make it hard to root for them man.
At the Wall and Jon is staring up at the four traitorous muthafuckas that
tried to merked him. Everybody talkin’ they shit from one dude asking that they tell his mom he died for something other than fucking betraying his Lord Commander to Ollie who says fuckin nothing. Should’ve known dude was never gonna be Bruce Wayne and eventually Batman cuz Bruce ain’t never pass up an opportunity for a monologue. You know, the one where he talks vaguely about someone protecting Gotham aka The North. Oh well man. Jon hesitates for half a second then drops that last half a bar from Jay-Z’s “The Takeover” – Fuck these Crows, before he cuts the rope and leaves them muthafuckas hanging.
Jon tells them to burn the bodies and gives away his cloak before he walks off on some “My Watch is Ended” type shit. Yo, whatever way you thought was the most gangsta to walk off your job just got topped. Jon Snow could be a moniker for a lot of shit, like like being betrayed by your boys or not knowing who your real parents are, but quitting your job got it man.
You still working at Verizon, man?
Naw, I just Jon Snow-ed that shit man, kicked over a monitor on my way out and everything.
Aint nobody ever left their gig like this man. Nobody ever. Jon put fuckin’ numbers on the board and ain’t even give notice, fam!
— Oz Al Ghul (@letsgetfree13) May 9, 2016
That’s the new standard, man. Going Postal is so Pre-Before They Stabbed Jon Snow ago, bruh. And you know what the penalty is for leaving the Night’s Watch? Death. You know who don’t give a fuck about that? The muthafucka that already died. Go head Jon Snow, you sexy undead bastard. You know he walked out with those Jigga lyrics in his head.
Got my swagger back. Mama, they say I killed 4 men, well I guess I got Longclaw back.
Sheeeeyet. Look at some of these Stark Children trying to make a comeback.