Season: 5 / Episode: 7 / HBO
***Spoilers be chillin’ in the Black Cells, looking like 7 different types of Malaria***
Ahhh, Game of Thrones. Like a southside Chicago rapper once said, I used to love her. We begin at The Wall, where the snow is heavy but ain’t nobody got time to knit a muthafuckin’ beenie or nothing. Dudes just walking around with their scalps exposed like they already invented antibiotics or some shit and got no fear of catching a cold. Jon Snow is about to go on a mission that seems just north of suicidal and Ser Alliser is like, “Even though I really don’t like yo ass, they gonna kill yo ass. And some of the men feel betrayed, and they lightweight want to kill yo ass, too.” To which Jon says, “Noted.” Sam gives Jon some dragon glass, talkin’ about, yeah, quiet as kept, I killed a punk ass white walker with that shit. I would’ve done it with my bare hands and shit, but Gilly was all, stop showing off Playa Slaya, and I was like, aiight, let me end this shit right quick.
Meanwhile Maester Aemon is doing what most 170 year old dudes do… dying. He’s happy to be around Gilly’s baby and he says it reminds him of Egg, his nickname for his younger brother King Aegon.
In Winterfell, the newly crowned rape capital of the world, Reek’s worthless ass has come to bring Sansa some food. So basically, anybody that was like, yeah, it might have been a little rough, but they’re married now and… bruh, she’s a prisoner locked up by day and sex slave by night. Man, is this entertainment, or what? A Song of Ice and Fire begat Game of Thrones begat Snuff Film 7: The Sansa Stark Quest. Show me the RPG where you gain experience points, unlock new areas and level up to being raped, fam. Sansa, tries to coach up Reek like it’s the NBA Finals and shit, while telling him to signal a rescue for her…
…of course Reek don’t-call-me-Theon didn’t even fucking hesitate and went straight to Ramsay with the candle. Like Ramsay was the principal and Reek just caught Sansa smoking in the bathroom at lunch. Reek went and ordered him a snitch jacket, custom fit with the 42 Long and pulled in a bit at the waist. Gotdamn man, at least act like you thought about being a decent
human being whatever the fuck you are now.
And now, Maester Aemon’s watch has ended. We gonna miss Maester Aemon because he always spit that real rap raw when you needed. Dude refused the chance to be king, let his younger brother have it (noble, but ultimately a terrible decision) and served the Night’s Watch well. Peace, Brother Aemon. I mean, you were due… the other 12 disciples died a long ass time ago. And then, as if he trying to enter the no chill qualifier for the Olympics, Ser Alliser tells Sam all his friends are bouncing on him, RIGHT AFTER HE GAVE MAESTER AEMON’S EULOGY. Come on, fam, we couldn’t at least let the fires go out on your boy before Sam gets the Fade hung over his head like that?
Man, remember back in the day, when during an episode Thrones, the scene would flip and we would be back in Winterfell, and you were like, oh, okay, the Starks, that’s my squad right there? Yeah, me neither. That shit is like a lifetime ago. Well, regardless of your memory skills, that shit ain’t what’s hot in these northern streets now. Sansa basically got let out of the dungeon so that Ramsay could show her how he flayed the North Remembering Golden Girls for being loyal to her and conspiring with her escape attempt. At least she let that shade fly like Steph Curry on the break.
Here’s the thing about Ramsay: there’s like, nothing enjoyable about watching him. And yet, your boy has held the rock more than LeBron in the fourth quarter for this Season 5. Joffrey was evil as all hell, but it was at least entertaining because he was a complete punk who was cruel and vicious through his insecurities. Ramsay is the version of Joffrey that was from Sparta and got sent out to the woods to kill a wolf with his bare hands when he was 12.
Oh, by the way, it’s snowing in the North. Didn’t know if you gathered that from every character looking like they the emptied a shred bin over themselves. Davos is trying to tell Stannis that he needs to reconsider this plan because Frostbite out here sneaking up on muthafuckas like ninjas. He fears they will be snowed in, but Stannis just sons him and dismisses the notion.
Also, Stannis is probably looking at Melisandre like the woman he knows is setting him up for the long con, but wants to see how long he can “date” her before she reaches her endgame. Melisandre tells him that she trusts in the Lord and Stannis basically asks to see the receipts. And then Melisandre is like, well, we could speed this up if you would just let me tie your daughter to a stake and set fire to her flesh… your Grace. Bruh, WHAT ARE WE TALKIN’ ABOUT?
Stannis shoots her down, but if we’re being honest, if Melisandre somehow suggested his wife instead of his daughter, I’m guessing Stannis would’ve had to take a minute on that one. Call a life line or somethin’.
Back at the Wall, we see a case of the Rapies is spreading throughout the North cuz that shit mad contagious, especially for fuckboys. Gilly just out here trying to live and fetch some water, but some brothers of the watch decide they been away from home for too long and start harassing her. Of course, Sam IS NOT HAVING THAT SHIT… but he should’ve packed some dragon glass because he got as much chance of winning a fight as the general public will ever care about the ethics in gaming over the existence of sexual harassment in gaming. Sam got mad heart but he got the brakes beat off of him as his assailant kept delivering, reclaiming, and then delivering the fade again. Sam remembers those old D-Wade commercials because he on some fall down 7 times, get up 8 shit. But this time when he rises, he’s got some back up.
Ghost came up in the spot like, “Consent, muthafucka, do you speak it?”
And as awesome as that scene was, it really does make you realize that Jon Snow went North beyond the Wall with a hated enemy to negotiate with more hated enemies, without his direwolf. I mean, look, Starks just be asking to get returned to the earth, fam.
Sam wakes up under the care of Gilly who’s nursing his wounds. Now listen, I ain’t trying to rain on people’s ships, and Sam and Gilly consummating their “we survived a horrific moment together” makes both of them infinitely more interesting… but can I get a time stamp for how long Sam was passed out? Because whether this is TV or not, I don’t know how many women are so grateful to be rescued from an attempted rape that they show their gratitude by having sex in the next scene. I guess what I’m saying is… we could probably use a few more women in that writer’s room.
Tyrion and Jorah are on the chain gang and you won’t mind if I skip past this part where one of the very few Black characters on the show with a speaking part runs the auction block and is selling slaves. For real fam, Adewale Akinnuoye-Abaje is a legit actor, yo. This dude does Broadway and the London Theater, man. I want to see how this shit went down when HBO reached out to him for this part:
[quote_simple](Adewale reads script)[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Adewale: Are you fucking kidding me? A slaver? I was Adebisi goddamit! ADEBISI![/quote_simple]
We ain’t seen Dany in a couple of weeks and she makes her grand appearance in the afterglow of
her marriage Daario. They workin’ that pillow talk like 1) Daenerys didn’t just say them vows to someone else, and 2) like more important shit ain’t poppin’ off. I dunno, maybe I feel some kind of way because I picture this is what these two were doing when Ser Barristan got that sleepy time tea. I really feel like we are allowed to expect more of Dany at this point. If Hillary Clinton gotta answer questions about her emails at every engagement, I really feel like Dany needs to be doing press conferences on her feelings about the rapes in North Westeros. At any rate, Daario suggests that Dany’s new hubby leads the Sons of the Harpy and you know what, it’s NOT THAT CRAZY OF A SUGGESTION.
Lady Olenna Da Gawd squares off against High Sparrow Da Gawd and this shit the illest shit the showrunners ever wrote. This shit was a like a prize fight… between two geriatric and righteous folks, but still.
Seriously though, this was van glorious. Not even Tywin could square off with Lady Olenna like this. Of course, High Sparrow caps that shit like… your privilege don’t scare me. Don’t let the poor folk rise up on you, homie.
And oh look, King Tommen the Embryo is so mad about the queen being in prison that he went on a hunger strike. I’m sure that will leave him really depleted for energy after his afternoon nap.
This shit is crazy, yo. If Joffrey was alive, this scene would’ve just been Cersei reaction faces to walking in on Joffrey using the Sparrow’s blood as a water park. If Tommen does decide to eat again, hopefully someone remembers to burp him. That indigestion is a killer, yo.
In Dorne, Jaime is in the Ritz Carlton of prisons and Bronn is in the dungeons across from the Sand Snakes, the 3LW of femme fatale troops. Seriously, the scene where Tyene Sand strips and pushes her Sand Snake parts up against the bars, lasts longer than the fight in the previous episode. In case you were wondering where our priorities were at. She gives Bronn the strip tease (I’m guessing to get his blood moving???) and then lets him know that’s she poisoned him during the fight. Then tosses him the antidote when he says she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. I mean, that’s real slick and all, but I feel like she should’ve made him say “no take backs” before letting him live.
In Meereen, they are at the semi-finals of fighting pits and Jorah is just patiently waiting for a track to explode on.
But when he hears that Daenerys is in the building? FAM. Jorah is not about this bullshit, yo.
But can we back up for a second? Did you see this fighting pit? This is like playing your first game of the NCAA tournament on a rundown, outdoor court in I’m Lost as Fuck, Indiana where they only have one basket with a torn chain net. If you are Hizdahr, how you taking your Queen to this shit, man? Was Avengers: Age of Ultron not playing in Meereen anymore?
Jorah ran out there, like Dwayne Wayne at Whitley’s wedding.
…but in this version of Different World, Whitley turns back to Byron and says, can I change my vows to “all fuckboys must leave my wedding immediately?”
Daenerys is about to leave when Jorah swears he brought a present and out walks Tyrion Lannister, kinslayer himself.
…and that would’ve been a good end to the episode, but
Margaery Tyrell sittin up in the cell looking like she’s contracted about 4 different diseases since we last saw her. I’m sayin’, Natalie Dormer was in Hunger Games and she never looked this filthy, yo. Cersei doing that passive aggressive shit and she really only down there to gloat.
There’s some saying about Pride before the… ahhh, we’ll get there. Cersei, walking around pleased as all fuck with herself as she talks to the High Sparrow. He breaks down the impending trial, but when Cersei starts to leave, your boy starts a monologue about history. I’m sayin’, when you are trying to leave a conversation and they pull you back in with some random history, I need you to be able to spot the jig coming, yo. No good ever came from a history lesson AT THE END of a conversation, fam.
BRUH…Why the Silent Sisters snatch Cersei up with Beyonce’s “Get Me Bodied” playing in the background dooooeeee?!?! They tossed the Queen Mother in the Black Cell like they were playing horseshoes. Or pick up sticks. Or like their spades hand after they just got set on board. Shit is all bad, fam. Never thought I’d say this, but if you’re a Lannister right now, things are as bad as they’ve ever been.