Game of Thrones Recap: The Gift

Season: 5 / Episode: 7 / HBO ***Spoilers be chillin’ in the Black Cells, looking like 7 different types of Malaria*** Ahhh, Game of Thrones. Like a southside Chicago rapper once said, I used to love her. We begin at The Wall, where the snow is heavy but ain’t nobody got time to knit a muthafuckin’ beenie or nothing. Dudes just walking around with their scalps exposed like they already invented antibiotics or some shit and got no fear of catching a cold. Jon Snow is about to go on a mission that seems just north of suicidal and Ser Alliser is like, “Even though I really don’t like yo ass, they gonna kill yo ass. And some of the men feel betrayed, and they lightweight want to kill yo ass, too.” To which Jon says, “Noted.” Sam gives Jon some dragon glass, talkin’ about, yeah, quiet as kept, I killed a punk ass white walker with that shit. I would’ve done it with my bare hands and shit, but Gilly was all, stop showing off Playa Slaya, and I was like, aiight, let me end this shit right quick.

Meanwhile Maester Aemon is doing what most 170 year old dudes do… dying. He’s happy to be around Gilly’s baby and he says it reminds him of Egg, his nickname for his younger brother King Aegon.

In Winterfell, the newly crowned rape capital of the world, Reek’s worthless ass has come to bring Sansa some food. So basically, anybody that was like, yeah, it might have been a little rough, but they’re married now and… bruh, she’s a prisoner locked up by day and sex slave by night. Man, is th…