Season: 8 / Episode: 3, “The Long Night” / HBO
Spoilers be blowing twenty point leads in the fourth quarter. Check the rest of our Thrones recaps here.
Shit is mad foreboding. They telling Sam ass to get moving on the wall. Tyrion lookin’ like grim af. Bran look like he been answering phones in a call center for 7 hours of his shift already. But everybody else lookin’ stressed out.
They got the dragons out. Unsullied on the front line. The Brienne company ready. Jorah leading a unit with Ghost at the ready. Even the fuckin’ wind getting action. This shit bout to get all the way live.
Red Woman Here for the Pre-Game
And then…Melisandre aka Yung Canterbury Tales aka What the Fuck You Even Doing Here just appears. She giving Jorah instruction to give to the Dothraki. He lookin’ at her like, they told me I was only dealing with one supernatural creature today. Melisandre roll up on the Dothraki, grips up the cutlery and start gettin’ these Valyrian bars off. She out here going for 100 like Budden on the “No Church in the Wild” beat. When she done, the whole regiment got them flaming swords poppin’ off. It was like when you at a concert and they tell you to put your cell phone lights on for the last song, but this the Dothraki, so the only accessories they carry on them are fuckin’ murder weapons.
Melisandre rolls by Grey Worm and yo, I did not realize how much I missed the Valar Morghulis (All Men Must Die) / Valar Dohaeris (All Men Must Server) greetings. If we getting them callbacks, then I’m ready for some other Braavosi originals. Ser Davos, who was absolutely about that “on sight” life with Melisandre before, sees the minor miracles she just performed and has the gate opened for her.
Melisandre tells Davos that execution ain’t necessary cuz she gonna be dead by morning. She done seen it. Then her and Arya have this long ass, uncomfortable ass stare off. Arya lookin’ at her like, so you know I seen your name in my bae’s phone, right? But Melisandre lookin’ at her like…I don’t even fuckin’ know. Like she done seen some shit in the flames yo. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE RED WOMAN SAW. What’s the in the box, John Doe, what’s in the box!
But that shit get interrupted cuz the Fire Sword company is riding off into the dark. So like, this shit is official now. This shit was live af. The fire nation rolling out, the trebuchets firing overhead, GHOST IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN VANGUARD. And then…them fires went out. Like, mad quick. And then shit was super quiet. Like, the worst possible sign. It was like the night swallowed them dudes and didn’t even spit out the bones.
This shit went straight horror film bruh. You hear the fuckin’ snarls of the dead before you see these dudes. You know when Grey Worm put on the helmet, that shit was like Cap pulling the strap tighter on the shield. Shit was officially on.
And then, contact. White Walkers aka The Dubs start floodin’ the block and now everybody in on the savagery.
Also, this shit feel like when the British army finally started getting their teeth kicked in by the revolutionary army when they used guerilla tactics. These Dubs got a running start and are literally running muthafuckas over. Brienne gets overpowered mad quick, which ain’t hard because Brienne is an absolute unit. This shit looks over before it even begins, but then Drogon finally releases that mixtape and setting these Dubs ablaze.
They Say Dragon Travel is the Safest Way to Travel, Actually
And yes, Jon done mounted up on Rhaegal too and got his shit bumpin’ with the windows down. Dany and Jon look like they running 8 man weave passing drills on these dead bastards. They layin’ down the dragon fire and taking out whole rows of muthafuckas. Jon see’s the frontline and tries to aim for the head, but then hits that Chicago in December weather.
Yo, when they said Winter is coming, that was not a fucking metaphor. Winter literally swallowed up the dragons. Is the Night King fuckin’ Storm, yo?!?! Let me find out the Disney/Fox merger resulted in Ororo Monroe being one of the Dubs’ secret weapons. What in all fucks?!?! Arya sees the weather literally changing and sends Sansa to the crypts. She hands Sansa a weapon and gives her that call back line “stick them with the pointy end” when sending Sansa on her way.
Yo, this shit ain’t no glamorous battle. We’re used to seeing these warriors just chop through shit, but this is straight up survival mode. Brienne, Jaime, Tormund, Clegane…they just ain’t trying to lose right the fuck now. Sam almost gets pointy ended himself but gets saved at the last second. Eddison saves him and tells him to get his ass up. Which Sam does, just in time to see Eddison get ventilated. Sam “The Slayer” sees that shit, and instead of avenging his longtime brother…he fucking bolts. Dubs was like, you want some of this old man. And Sam was like, …No.
Out for Dead Starks to Represent Me
Sansa down in the crypts with all the other dead Starks VIPs. She’s see Tyrion down there too and my dude is like, welp, if you down here already, might as well start drinking.
Dany and Jon lost in the storm until they find each other…by crashing into one another. And like, the series was almost over right there if they had fell off their dragons. Like, we’re good, nothing to see here, roll credits. But they manage to hang on and try to make their way out of the all that blizzard. Safe to say, they are nowhere near the action though.
And the blizzard done took over. Fighters on the ground can’t see shit except they gettin’ they ass beat. Everyone retreats inside the castle walls. The Unsullied standing their ground protecting the retreat. Which is like…all the metaphor you need.
The retreat is still on, and Arya and the archers are knocking off Dubs from the walls. Grey Worm finally gives the order to light the trenches, which gotta be the last fall back measure before the castle is overrun.
Meanwhile, Dany still lost in the sauce. She might be in Canada by now for all we know.
Then We Shall Watch in the Shade
Also, they trying to light the trenches, but the snow and wind keep putting out the fires. Grey Worm lookin’ over this shit like, nah, this shit ain’t workin’ fam. They provide the escort for Melisandre so she can summon the Lord of Light on these muthafuckas. Man, it looked like that verse wasn’t gonna take for a minute and then finally that shit catch. It’s like the song you keep hearing and that you couldn’t stand, but the Spotify keep dropping that shit in your playlist so eventually you just find yourself bobbing your head to it without knowing. I appreciate her turning up the brightness on my TV though.
[Also, do y’all need me to make note that all the Brown folks were the first to die? I mean, do y’all need me to put a pin in the fact that the Dothraki and Unsullied were the first to perish? Nah, y’all don’t need me to remind y’all that POC dying for Winterfell. Glad we all on the same page.]
That shit also helps Dany cuz now she can see where the fuck she’s going. Also, I love how this literally saves everyone for the moment, but Clegane sees all that flame is like, yeah, I’m glad y’all happy but fuck this.
Tyrion down in the crypts sulking his ass off. He’s like, I made the difference at Blackwater and Varys is like, yeah and that shit made you into Phantom of the Opera. Sansa and Tyrion have a moment. She’s like, yeah, we’re great at politics but kind of useless when it comes to killing hordes of the undead, so we gonna sit our pretty asses down here for the time being. Tyrion makes a joke about how they should’ve stayed married (they’re not, technically still married?) and Sansa is like, yeah, but no. You be hyping up the Dragon Queen too much for all that shit. Missandei pops up like, I know you ain’t talkin’ shit about my girl. Y’all would all be “Thriller” right now if it weren’t for her.
Calm Before the Blowout
In the Godswood, shit is all too quiet. The Greyjoys are guarding Bran, which still…sounds like a terrible plan. Theon tries to make amends with Bran and Bran is like, bruh, amends been made on the other world line, we good now. I done seen it. My dude is like, I’m gonna go now, and Theon lookin’ at his wheelchair like, Come again? And for the first in forever, Bran gets his warg on. Bran controlling a group of ravens, an unkindness if you will. I assume they looking for the Night King. Night King giving some long-range orders. He got the dubs sacrificing themselves one by one and laying down a path through the fire.
The Dubs got a path through now, so it’s time to stand guard on the walls. Final stand type shit. Jon and Rhaegal watching the shit go down, but then Jon here the flapping of unfriendly wings behind him. Night King done entered the muthafuckin’ building. My dude is like, oh, oh, you thought you was the only one with a dragon up in this piece?
The Dubs climbing the walls like they at a Lifetime Fitness and shit. Everybody at the top just waiting for these dudes to reach the top so they can play survival whack-a-mole. Which goes well for about 15 seconds. It only takes one breaking through, yo. Then all hell breaks loose. Jaime getting overrun until Brienne literally cuts a whole path to him. And Sam gets saved…again. Like, yo, maybe, maybe, he should’ve taken his ass to the crypts. My dude is basically doing what Sansa feared, getting in the muthafuckin’ way.
Also, Clegane is fucking shook. Just like at Blackwater. My dude is great in small skirmishes. You throw some fire and a mass of enemies on that dish and your boy suddenly ain’t hungry any more. He’s basically in the fetal position.
Adolescent Ladies Get the Job Done
MEANWHILE, ARYA OUT HERE GIVING YOU GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO NUMBERS. Arya killin’ AYETHANG.
She out here rockin’ the Fruchtbare Erde & Glänzende Nova like she Hilde from Soulcalibur and shit.
You get some pointy end. And you get some pointy end. AND YOU get some pointy end. She out here water dancing on these peeps. Davos lookin’ at her legitimately terrified.
But the walls get blasted and a Dub Giant comes through. Lady Lyanna Mormont gets shoved aside like your covers when you pissed off that you gotta get out of bed.
Fam, let me pause her and say, just way too much happens in the next five minutes. Like most things I hold dear in Thrones were on the line. Arya gets overwhelmed, weapons knocked from her hands. She out here parkour-ing for her fucking life. The giant done broke Lyanna whole right side and just clobbering her squad left and right. Clegane is done completely turned his punk mode up 11. He frozen and basically tells Dondarrion this shit is all the way over. He’s like, bruh, do you see Arya still out here fighting for her life. Clegane suddenly finds his motivation. Which is almost a “women in refrigerators” moment except Arya ain’t dead.
Meanwhile, the anti-Clegane gotta be Lady Mormont. She can barely walk but she still run up on a muthafuckin giant, yo. My dude grabbed up Lady Mormont and applied some pressure. Her whole body getting smashed up. Her whole body sound like a craps game right now yo. With that last bit of strength, she shoves some of that good dragon glass in the giant’s eye, killing that dude in an instant.
For the record –
Death Row records: Lady Mormont & Arya Stark
Bad Boy during the French Montana era: Clegane & Sam The Slayer
Dog Dragon Fights
But don’t let the ground heroics distract you from the fact that we have our the first ever air to air combat in Thrones. Come on, we were all waiting on this Dragon on Dragon violence. Dany and Jon looking for the Night King, and your dude came through with the ambush. He said let there be light and started lighting Dany and Drogon the fuck up with that blue flame. He on them guerrilla tactics. He striking and hiding. This gonna be a long night for the Targaryans.
Arya creeping through the castles in full hidden blade mode. She using them cover to cover mechanics perfectly. She using them “trick the raptors in Jurassic Park tactics.” Luring the Dubs away while she sneaks away. And the shit was going aiight, until a reinforcement of them bastards breaks through all the doors and now it’s straight up run for your lifetime. Arya out here zigging and zagging her ass off while a whole damn army of Dubs chasing her.
Shit done made its way to the crypts, or at least right outside of them. Men dying on the other side begging for the door to be opened, but it’s only for a short period of time cuz them dudes died quick and it goes silent after that.
Clegane and Dondarrion slowly moving through the castle looking for Arya. And they ain’t gotta wait long cuz Arya come crashing through a door with a Dub trying to eat her alive and shit. Dondarrion through the flaming sword to save Arya, but there’s so many Dubs, when he comes to get her up and getting lit the fuck up. My dude took all the shots, all the stabs. They stab this dude more times than the Lord of Light has brought him back. The three of them finally get away and into a hall.
When Death Tryin’ to Spit at You, but You Already Committed
Beric don’t even get no last fuckin’ words, yo. Your boy slumped against the wall and that light went out. Melisandre’s creepy ass standing in the back like, welp, I guess he’s done doing his bid. Arya and Melisandre looking at each other with all the familiarity. Some real game recognize game shit. They recalling the prophecy when they last met when Melisandre said that Arya was gonna be a fucking killer. Well, we can confidently check that box. They look like they bout to make their last stand in that hall cuz the Dubs is knocking on the door like dudes used to make beats on lunch tables when “Grindin’” used to come on the radio. And apparently cuz Melisandre knows all the lyrics to our favorite Thrones songs, she drops that “What do we say to the god of death” to Arya. Arya is like, “that reminds me of something, I’ll be right back.”
We still in the Godswood, which we’ve seen three times but nothing has happened yet. But we bout to get this action now. The Dubs closing in and its ready battle stations time.
Night King headed straight towards the castle and your boy does the blue flame drive-by on them. That shit could’ve got much worse but here come Jon and Rhaegal to intercept them. Yo, this shit was mad tense. Rhaegal and Viserion going for each other necks, Night King trying to line up a shot. Shit was lookin’ very, very bad until Dany and Drogon came through for that double team. Night King gets knocked the fuck off and falls into the abyss. Which, look, we know dude ain’t dead, let’s just get that straight.
Eventually, Rhaegal can’t take it no more and crash lands, sending Jon sprawling on to the ground. In the Godswood, the Greyjoys are letting them thangs go trying to kill these Dubs.
My Wallet is the One that Says Bad Motherfucker on It
Daenerys is looking for the Night King, and my dude is not fucking hiding. He lookin’ up at her like, Remember Me? Ice Magento gives no fucks whatsoever. He looking at Dany and Drogon like they short. Dany plays her ace and hits the Night King with that Dracarys.
Look, now here me out. I’ve read my Darwin. I appreciate that we have opposable thumbs. Maybe, maybe we ain’t supposed to win, yo. Maybe this is what evolution looks like. If dragon fire can melt castles, the wall that stood for thousands of years, make things not only catch on fire but blow the fuck up, BUT THE NIGHT KING IS UNSWAYED, then maybe this shit ain’t meant to be, nahmean. Night King staring at her through the flames like is you done or is you finished?
Night King goes to pick up that ice spear, and Dany gets the fuck outta there cuz we done seen what the Night King can do with a spear. My dude would’ve been the first quarterback taken in the draft if he had shown up for the combine.
This dude walking through the battlefield, but Jon sees he survived the fire and trying to run up on him. Ice King Magneto is like, oh, you want this smoke? He start doing the “judge has entered the courtroom, all rise” motion. All these dead muthafuckas start coming back to life. Jon trying to close the gap before ayebody up off the ground. He too late though, everybody on their feet, and Jon is surrounded.
We’re in the Endgame Now, Snow
B-b-b-but wait, it gets worse. Cuz Night King done rose AYEBODY. He got that regional coverage. So, everybody fighting inside the castle seeing the dead rise too. Including…Lady Mormont.
I’m heartbroken. I know you know you heartbroken too. When her eyes went blue, I had to step away from the keyboard, yo. THIS IS THE WORST. The. Worst. She was supposed to be the one, yo.
Night King got his whole fuckin’ crew around him, lookin’ at Jon like Doughboy at the meet.
And what’s worse, these dudes walking up on Winterfell, NIGHT KING DIDN’T EVEN PLAY HIS STARTING FIVE YET. This is like putting your closer in when you have a 10-run lead. Shit is disrespectful.
As you might have guessed, shit ain’t going great in the crypts. The Dubs done broke through, and they comin’ for everybody yo.
Jon trying to take the whole Dub Bravo company out by himself, but this shit ain’t gonna last much longer. Finally, Dany comes back with Drogon and lights the Dubs up to save Jon. Jon yells he’s going for Bran. Dany and Drogon been on the ground too long though. The Dubs climbing all over him, death by a thousand cuts type of shit. So, this is a tie with Lady Mormont right now. Drogon getting mauled, and Dany falls off while Drogon takes flight. I’m so pissed at Dany; she knew she couldn’t park her dragon in front of a loading bay.
Drogon trying to shed these muthafuckas like fleas, yo. Of course, Dany is now defenseless and alone, so the Dubs turn their attention to her. But here come the original traitor aka Hand of the Queen aka Jorah the lesser (and I guess the last) Mormont. He drops the top on a few Dubs as he rescues her.
Jon is on a fuckin’ mission yo. Dubs falling from the sky like rain. Don’t matter. Folks getting mauled to death? That’s just the shit we on right now. Even Sam, getting mauled for like the fiftieth-eleven time and Jon is like, welp, I got somewhere to be.
The Godswood Where it All Goes Down
Greyjoys held out for a while but they starting to get overrun in the Godswood. Theon making his last stand with Bran…chillin. Like I really hope wherever the fuck Bran went pays dividends soon. I feel like dude’s upload speed is mad slow right now. Might want to unplug the router and reboot cuz we need help right the fuck now.
Shit so dire on the battlefield that Manifest Daenerys gotta pick up a sword too. The dead closing in and it doesn’t seem that there’s much time left for the Dragon Queen.
Shit is all bad yo. Heroes die everyday. The crypts are overrun. Tyrion and Sansa sharing what looks like a last moment. Jon still trying to get through the courtyard, but Viserion the Menace comes through and puts the blue flame to anything moving. Tyrion and Sansa trying to escape amidst the carnage. Theon making his last stand. Bran is…chillin.
Jaime and Brienne fighting to the last breath. Sam is…somehow still alive and not covered in Dubs…I dunno either yo. Everybody bout to die horrible fuckin’ deaths, but the Night King rolling with his crew like they filming a music video. This shit look like when the beat flip in the “DNA” video.
He really hit the Dubs with Avengers Assemble man.
Theon did the fucking work for Bran and merked mad Dubs. But its in vain. There’s a lot more holding back, and the Night King is here. Bran tells Theon he’s a good man, which must be code for, “aiight, you can go die now” I guess. Theon rushes the Night King, and Night King hits him with the Mortal Kombat counter. Theon gets stabbed through the torso, and that shit is a wrap. I appreciate that Theon got an honorable death at the hands of the Night King himself. But yo, he could’ve occupied him for more than 0.4 seconds. That shit was rough.
Jorah slowly dying for his Queen. Jon still pinned down by Viserion. And now Bran is looking the Night King right in the face. Night King is basically like, “I am inevitable.” Night King raises up to end Bran and
Remember in Troy when Achilles stood outside the gates and yelled Hector’s name for a whole ass afternoon. That was me, except in my living room, yelling Arya’s name for so long I missed dinner.
Good Day to all the Day One Arya stans like myself and nobody else. We walked into work on Monday like:
Night King catches Arya in mid-air by the throat, and she drops the Valyrian steel knife…
…just to catch that shit with the other hand and gut stab your boy (just like the technique she used when sparring with Brienne).
That’s MJ switching hands against the Lakers man. Also, can I get some commentary from Winterfell like this video:
Night King explodes into straight up Ice fam. Then everybody explodes into ice. All the dead fall down…ya know, dead again. Everybody getting their wind back, coming up for air with the dead laying the fuck down now. But not everybody made it. Jorah dies in Dany’s arms. But DROGON MADE IT. Like, come on, I’ll take that trade.
Melisandre walks out into the snow and removes that fountain of youth choker. Davos watches her take her last steps and she done had enough of this existence, like she C.C. trying to get rid of her Geass power. She lay down in the snow and that’s a wrap. Her watch officially ended.
And…that’s all I got folks. Curse the seven that was exhausting. We lost House Mormont basically and just about all of Dany’s Dothraki army. Most of the Unsullied as well. So, that makes Grey Worm and Missandei like the last black folk left in Westeros. But just about all the other named characters survived. Which is needed cuz…now Cersei’s ass is next. They got done with their series early and getting rest while Northern crew went seven, got mad injuries and are mentally run down.
So like, things ain’t as bad as they’ve ever been. But like, shit still ain’t great.