I never been a Gundam guy. I know there’s a bunch of Gundam series. The way I remember Gundam is from the late 90s to mid-2000s commercials for Gundam model kits that people would build up by hand. They had these super intricate big mech models in front of the camera with someone behind them, arms folded, saying, “Level 14 Gundam. 12 hours.” When I tell you that shit made me laugh every time I saw it. Like, okay, calm down. It ain’t that serious man. Little did I know, years later in 2020, I’d get told by my friend, Will, that I might rock with this show called Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans. We in the middle of a global pandemic, I got the time to start some new shit today. Never tried a Gundam before but sure, Let’s rock it out.
I was not ready. I was not fucking ready for Mikazuki “I’m only 16 but my body count is old” Augus. Soon as I saw young boy Mika holding the burner, blood on his face, gun smoke wafting away beside him as he was looking at his mans and dem Orga Itsuka asking, “Who you need me to dead next, Orga?” I said, Tekkedan, you son of a bish. I’m in. Oh, I was fucking hooked. I was fucking hooked man. This is the hard shit I be talking about. These fucking teens being treated like human debris to fight wars for corporations, private militaries, and so on as child soldiers. They then say fuck that noise, cause a mutiny, then create their own private military called Tekkadan. Which gets them pulled into the politics of trying to Mars independence, they get caught up in this crime syndicate to operate under to get the government off their backs.
Best Boy Sociopath
Listen, Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans is 2 seasons of gun smoke and bodies piling up. I ain’t here to discuss all of that as a review. I’m here to talk about the best boy sociopath Mikazuki Augus, pilot of Gundamn Barbatos Lupus Rex.
Man, Mikazuki is about the action, the whole action and nothing but that fucking action. I knew dude was real when Orga handed him the burner and they pulled the mutiny. Mika popped three shots in their former (abusive) boss’ head like it was nothing. Gave that man a fucking flu shot far as he was concerned, then shot a dude trying to rush’em after that like it was just another typical taco Tuesday. I said, “oh this boy real right here”. Didn’t matter who was stepping to the young lion. Mikazuki already built different as fuck then they fucked around and let’em pilot a Gundam?! They gave this boy the Bompton Barbatos Gundam to turn all of Tekkadan’s enemies to memories?! I knew Mikazuki was with the Metamucil when that Gjallarhorn soldier challenged him, got fucking got, and was asking Mikazuki for an honorable death or some shit? I don’t know what he was sayin’ cause Mikazuki got out the cockpit with Royce Da 5’9 playing in the background and popped dude before he could even finish his sentence. What?! What the fuck?! Let’s fucking go. That’s what I’m talking about.
Ain’t no shonen long-winded monologue about friendship or life being precious. Mikazuki out here treating the opps like Rice Krispies cereal You either get your neck snapped or bones crackled from fighting Barbatos or popped from Mikazuki’s burner’s burner account. That’s it. One enemy told Mikazuki that he probably enjoyed killing. You know what Mika said… after he killed’em? “Oh shit, do I? Man, I’ll figure that shit out later.” You know damn well that shit ain’t get figured out later cause fuck that. Mikazuki a fucking mud-made monster of Tekkadan man. Let’s get into ya boy’s partner on the field too. Mr. Muscle Milk The Muscles Man himself, Akihiro Altland.
Mr. Milk The Muscles Man
Akihiro Altland is here to do three things. Get his weight up in the gym, put the weight of his friend’s lives on his shoulders, and take the weight of life off his enemies. That’s it. That’s all this man does. Akihiro is second to fighting only to Mikazuki. We saw him get his weight up in and out of the Gundam. When Tekkadan ran into the Turbines then got cool with them, the women fighters trained him to become even more refined. Akihiro stayed in the simulator. That’s the danger room man. He fought everyone and anyone available in order to get better. Meek Mill “Dreams and Nightmares” on the entire time he was in that simulator. Saying, to himself ” So I had to grind like that to shine like this // In a matter of time I spent on some locked up shit” repeatedly.
I knew the exact dynamic that Mikazuki and Akihiro had when i saw them both in the hallway doing pull ups on the pipes. That’s all I needed to see to know that these two are the realist. These two? Ain’t here for no play play shit. These two? Ain’t tryina kumbaya with you n****, they trying to murder anything and anyone standing in the way of their people’s living the good life Kanye and T-Payne sang about on Graduation. This is Iron-Blooded Orphan Human Debris mentality right here. Muthafuckas gotta respect the work out regimen for this life. Come the fuck on, yo. When I be saying I want that real rap raw, this is the exact shit I’m talking bout.
Nobody was safe in this series. No plot armor protecting anybody from the fade. God’s armor couldn’t be equipped for this gutta gutta shit man. Tekkadan teammates getting dropped in battle left and right. Loved ones making sacrifice play so they teammates and peoples could make it out of lose/lose situations alive. Yall don’t fucking hear me tho, man. Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans is the shit Pusha T be rapping about man. If you know you fucking know. You think you know the direction the show going and then they fucking shift gears like Jason Statham and make a hard left while driving in reverse (diddy and biggie style). There are deaths that still don’t sit right with me in my fucking spirit, man. You get got on the battlefield fine, but come on, man. My girl Lafter Frankland? Not like that, yo. Not like fucking that.
The Turbines
Lafter done did it all man. Went bar for bar with Mikazuki on their first meeting with nothing but beef between them before Tekkadan joined up with The Turbines / Teiwaz. She and her girls trained Akihiro and the other Tekkadan members into the fucking gutter mobile suit monsters that NOBODY wanted a piece off. Ya girl made it out of the Gjallarhorn raid on the Turbines, saw the folks that took her in, Naze and Amida, get fucking got, got the blessing to go and be with Akihiro who she didn’t realize she fell in love with, then decided to not tell him she loved him after their small date (Akihiro mad oblivious) and instead stay with her girls in the Turbines. Lafter went through all that shit just to end up in a Build-A-Bear store looking at a bear that reminded her of Akihiro just to catch four rounds in a fucking walk by, yo.
Jasley Donomikols killed her just to push Tekkadan, Who were under Naze’s protection, into a fight on some petty shit. Jasley Donomikols dropped a dime on Naze which lead to’em getting killed and now he done got Lafter? The sweet-faced monster Gundam pilot, Lafter?! Just to get control of Teiwaz you did this?
Nah. Nah, Tekkadan coudn’t accept that shit. Tekkadan had to send that order back to the fucking kitchen. Tekkadan dropped outta Teiwaz just to fucking run that man’s fade. They ain’t even talk to one another during the fight, everybody knew what it was. Jasley Donomikols got his shit rock’em sock’em robot’ed. The fuck he think he was stepping to man? These kids Iron-Blooded monsters, man. Mika asked Orga, how far am I taking this? Am I ending this man’s career or eliminating his whole bloodline? Orga said, “Total annihilation.” and it was game fucking over. Tekkadan in 5… fucking minutes.
No Games, No Peace Talks
Mikazuki ain’t here to play any games with these mutha fuckas, man. Akihiro didn’t come here to discuss peace talks. Orga ain’t send them and the rest of the gang out for a fucking walk in the park. This is gutta shit. You wanted beef? Well, this is top sirloin with garlic butter. Enjoy, cause it’s your last fucking meal coming out the end of a god damn Gundam rifle with air holes in the muzzle.
These Tekkadan kids built fucking different, man. I done seen these boys off grown ass adults that fucked them up. Nice ass sweet boy Takaki Uno pulled the burner on a man that fucked over his whole battalion through lies and leading them on. Takaki Uno pulling the burner outside the battlefield is like Mr. Rogers running somebody’s chain. You done pushed this sweet boy too fucking far, got his friends knocked, and blood needs to be a down payment for that shit. Speaking of blood as a down payment, Mikazuki Augus literally gave everything he had to Tekkadan.
Literally. My man had to fight a Gundam that stepped to Tekkadan on Earth. That boy said, fuck it. Fine. He let Barbatos take more control of his body and it cost him his right arm and right eye. Mikazuki ain’t give a fuck about it. Fuck that arm. He shoot with his left anyway. Mika could only use his arm when he was piloting Barbatos due to the Alaya-Vijnana System. Shit ain’t stop there tho. Mikazuki, later on, had to step to an unmanned Armor Gundam called the Hashmal. The Hasmal was fucking everybody the fuck up. Whoever beat it tho would get the glory and recognized for their strength. Mikazuki KNEW he had to do this shit to put Tekkadan on the map. Gjallarhorn members couldn’t do shit facing off against this fucking monster. Mikazuki took it the fuck down on some fucking big bad wolf shit.
For the Squad
He let Barbatos take all the way over and it cost him his whole left side. This boy gave his whole left side to deliver the fade for the baddest mutha fucker in the galaxy title for Tekkadan to hold. Mika literally had to be carried around by his subordinate hush after this point (and wanted to stay hooked up to Barbatos so he could remain functional). Mika wasn’t even mad about it either, mans didn’t even care. This is what he did to protect Tekkadan and put them where they needed to be. Mikazuki did this for his squad and he did this shit for his fucking gang, come the fuck on.
This shit was never more apparent than when Tekkadan had to go underground after betting on the wrong side fo the Gjallarhorn revolution with McGillis’ side. Man, mainstream Gjallarhorn was smearing Tekkadan’s name in the papers, and everywhere. Tekkadan had to escape to Earth from their base on Mars. In order to do that someone had to hold off the Gjallarhorn forces that outnumbered them. Maaaaaaan, Tekkadan mobile suit squad was holding it down. They lost some people, but once folks were ready to dip. Mikazuki told everyone to fall the fuck back. He’d join up with them later. Mika tried to tell that shit to Akihiro as well.
Akihiro said, who the fuck you talking to. You know damn well I’m staying to fuck these folks up. When I tell you that these mutha fuckas did the coldest last stand I done ever seen. I knew from the beginning of the series that these two would probably die in battle but oh my god, I had no idea how many they would take with them. Once Akihiro took a deep breath and shouted “Akihiro Altland, pilot of Gundamn Gusion Rebake Full City” and Mikazuki did the same yelling, “Mikazuki Augus, Gundam Barbatos Lupus Rex” It was fucking over for me.
What Does It Take To Die
When you state your government name then the name of the whip you bout to whip these mother fuckers with? It’s over. You got no choice but to go out on your sword and take as many of these mutha fuckas with you as you can. Mikazuki and Akihiro did fucking wooooooork. Two fucking 16-17-year-olds, beating up grown men with their mech suits. Grown ass men saying, “Yo, what the fuck are these guys’ problem?” Grown ass men shitting they pants against teens that should be hanging out at a fucking mall food court are out here beating the fucking just for men off their ass. Grown ass men shook. So shook that Gjallarhorn had to use an illegal fucking war weapon to bring these dudes down. They rained that shit down above these boys from overhead.
THEM BOYS AIN’T FUCKING DIE THO! Mika and Akihiro got right the fuck back up. Arms missing from they Gundams, their faces Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Sharpshooter bloody. Becky Lynch broken nose with arms spread eagle in the stands at WWE Raw bloody. Still ready for fucking war. Still ready to bring to the pain to these mutha fuckas. How you get shot down, get up, and cop even more bodies than when you were busting these folks shit in from before?! What the fuck?! Let’s fucking Go. Gjallarhorn captain Iok that was a fucking idiot and caused the death of so many folks on Tekkadan due to his idiocy and arrogance (including Naze) was there comin at them. Once Akihiro heard his voice and made sure to kill his ass before he got stabbed up. Akihiro got a third wind hearing his voice saying, “Wait, your dumbass is here?! Oh you GOTS to fucking go!” Meanwhile, Mikazuki in Barbatos with one fucking arm out here killing these soldiers on his wolf shit.
Give The Boys Their Due
Mika went off for a fucking kill streak. Gjallarhorn captain Julieta was like, “Bro, it’s over what are you doing? Why you still fighting?!” Mikazuki was not hearing that shit. Mika was hitting Marvel Vs Capcom 2 level combos on these mutha fuckas. Crossing them over with one arm and his fucking tail. Mika had these soldiers looking like they belonged back on the bench. Mika only went down due to his injuries. These mutha fuckas could not see this man on the battlefield. His body gave out and they wanted to give Julieta the praise of having killed the demon wolf of Tekkadan… man, we can watch that tape back. Julieta ain’t do a damn thing all-season or in this fucking fight. I ain’t ever seen a side with more numbers take a hit like that. Mika and Akihiro kept these mutha fuckas profits in the fucking red.
Man, Iron-Blooded Orphans got me respecting Gundam now. I’ll check out the other series but, if they do not go as hard as Mikazuki Augus and Akihiro Altland putting muhfuckas in the fucking space dirt, I don’t want it. If it ain’t to the level of Orga in the Ron Burgundy burgundy suit taking gunshots in the back to protect his mans ride then bucking off kill shots while bleeding out then I don’t want it. Next time you see me, I’ma be rocking a Tekkadan jacket with timberlands on outta fucking respect for the trilliest.
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