And you say Central City! The Flash is busy looking for Eddie Thawne to no avail. Back at the precinct, Captain Singh comes in sayin’ “The fuck Eddie at?” Joe tells him Eddie took some personal days off. Captain Singh, man… that man don’t know shit about no personal days. “Personal days? The fuck? Must be nice… ANYWAY there’s an asshole hitting up gold reserves like we’re in the freaking 1920’s, let’s get that under control. Personal days… must be out his god damn mind, I’m the one about to be married… fuck my personal days at? Gone, that’s where.” Iris stops by (knowing that Barry is The Flash) and fucking puts him through it, talking ’bout losing faith in The Flash and asking if Barry thinks he’s out there doing all he can (as they’re speaking). She hitting Barry with the E-Honda Hundred Hand Guilt-Trip Slap.

At Star Labs, Cisco is keeping the cameras Wells had everywhere because he is either going to start a very specific kind of website or reverse engineer them into something grandiose (or both). The Reserve Bank gets hit and Barry goes to hit whoever is doing it. Never mind this thief is dressed up like Jason Vorhees with a fucking rocket launcher.

eilling

Barry arrives on the scene and is about to put his Mortal Kombat X gameplay into real-life use on dude when all of a sudden he gets hit with a psychic attack and sees visions of someone or something being experimented on. It puts the breaks on him and allows the thief to get away. They’re back at Star Labs looking over the highlight reel of that ass whooping and notice that when Barry got attacked psychically the thief’s body went all Weekend at Bernie’s as well, as if he was suffering too.

Cisco: This shit crazy.
Iris*Walks in*: Yeah, you know what shit is really crazy? When your best friend is faster than Usain Bolt and ain’t say shit about it.
Caitlin & Cisco: Oh… uhm… Whoa (this ain’t) ughhh– (you’re dreaming?) wooo, my body wasn’t ready for this.
Barry: I’M ONLY IN THIS SUIT CUZ I COSPLAY AS THE FLASH!!! THIS AIN’T NOTHING BUT PHOTOSHOP!!!
Iris: Now you’re lying to my face? You only cosplay as gender-bent Black Widow, don’t you pull this shit.
Cisco: SHE KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWS!!! SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING NOW!

Man, Iris giving the guilt trip to maximum capacity. She tells Barry she put it together when she felt a jolt of lightning off his body when he touched her as Flash, the same one she felt when he was in a coma. Weird way for a newly solidified reporter to figure it all out, but sure, yeah, let’s go with that. Iris is learning through Barry’s tripping apology that Wells is the Honey Mustard Flash, and that Joe and Eddie knew Barry’s secret. She smacks Barry around with the “I’m disappointed in you” and YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW THAT SHIT GOES. She left the scene while Caitlin and Cisco were listening in and had to play it off cool and smooth.


Now let me tell you, when a black woman (especially a mom) tells you they disappointed in you? LAWD! That shit will make you straight up Kim Kardashian UGLY cry.

Caitlin: Oooo hunny… don’t cry on the treadmill now. That’s just sad.

At the hide out we see Eddie tied up and Wells coming down the ladder. Eddie is fiend’n for a Quizno’s sandwich right about now but Wells talking ’bout it takes two months before you die of starvation… “Soooooo that’s a no to the sandwich then? Oh you gonna ignore me? You said we’re related… and we’re from the future? …I think you’re full a shit cause your hair cut is stupid and if that’s a haircut from the future, then…”

At Iris’ job, Joe comes in sayin’, “Weeeeeeeeelp, heard you was makin’ quite the ruckus at Barry’s other job… oh this the cold-shoulder treatment? That’s what’s hot in the interwebs now?” Iris starts getting on Joe for all he hides from her, especially Barry’s feelings, and Joe goes “Whoa, whoa, whoa, those feelings weren’t mine to tell. Man listen, I been shipping you and Barry. I got the fan fic already wrote and ready to go on Tumblr. You the one playing games.”

Joe then gets called away and informs Barry another gold transport is taking place. This time via Ice Cream truck. They know the thief is going to make a play for it cause he a thief and probably loves ice cream. What the thief doesn’t know is that Joe West and Central City’s finest are in the back of the truck eating strawberry shortcake with the safety off on their AR-15’s, wishing a Jason Vorhees lookalike would. Oh and the thief is so bold as to “would”. He hits the truck and takes out like two dudes before getting that bullet time gameplay shot to the chest from Joe West. Joe saw two of his men struck down and IS STILL SHOWING RESTRAINT FOR A FUCKING ARMED ASSAILANT GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE TO SURRENDER BEFORE HAVING NO CHOICE BUT TO SHOOT HIM (PERHAPS) TO KILL THIS TIME AROUND… If only life imitated fictional police officers that actually serve and protect the people.

*Will Smith Voice: That's How You Police. From Now On This Is How You Police"
*Will Smith Voice* That’s How You Police. From Now On This Is How You Police!”

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Flash arrives in time to knock out the thief and we see him unmasked to unveil General Eilling. Once they get him in a cell it’s revealed that he’s being controlled by Grodd. Grodd is a gorilla that was experimented on as a prototype for soldiers to have psychic abilities. When Wells found out about this part of the project, he shut it down. All in all… Grodd wanna be Professor X soooooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Joe believes this is a distraction by Wells. Iris walks in saying she is going to help as well, and keeps making elaborate entrances like the Dean from Community.

She has a lead (from an old story) on where Grodd may be hiding based on the disappearance of some sanitation workers a few months back.

Barry and Joe go to investigate, but Cisco is not about that life and Joe tells him, “Hey man, this is your monkey. Your ass coming, too.” Why Cisco bring a banana like this shit was Mario Kart and Grodd going to fall for that? They see Grodd’s writing on the wall, this gorilla writing his name, then drawing stick figures, and then got his critique on The Theory of Everything. Joe like, “What the fuck is all this? He getting smarter? That mean he getting bigger too? Cauuuuussse I’m not cool with that.”

Joe: Okay, non-pocs in the front. Barry: I'll try to use my privilege to shield you guys.
Joe: Okay, non-pocs in the front. Barry: I’ll try to use my privilege to shield you guys.

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Grodd blindsides Barry knocking him out and abducts Joe with the quickness. When Joe comes to and pulls a gun, Grodd is about to make him shoot his own brains out, then stops, talking ’bout how “Father (Wells) hates guns” (yet he owns a piece but… whatever). Joe shoulda played dead, man. He offering this guy Grodd a Banana and finding out the hard way he fucking hates that shit.

Prefers Lobster Bisque

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After Barry gets checked out and he and Iris have yet another talk, Cisco is able to create a device to protect Barry from Grodd’s psychic attacks. With Wells no longer on their side he’s not sure about the warranty on it.

Meanwhile at Wells’ Lair,

Eddie: I mean it’s really just a bad… bad haircut you got, man. I wasn’t going say anything before but now that I know you’re related to me? Is there anything I can do to change time and prevent it, ooooooor? And Eobard? That’s a fucking doofie name.
Wells/Eobard: OH MY GOD SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT. UP. You know what, I wasn’t going to say nothing my damn self but I’m from the future, and guess what? Your detective career? It sucks. It’s like a horrible Syfy movie, Sharknado 2 is better than your police career. And guess what? SPOILER ALERT! Barry marries Iris, NOT YOU. Check the by-line from the future. Yeah, stings, don’t it? Hope my great-great-great-great-great grandma kept the receipt for that ring.
Eddie: …………………………………But your hairline tho.

Cisco and Caitlin find Grodd’s location and use steam in the sewers to steer him into a pipeline 5.6 miles from Barry so he can use his Super Sonic Falcon Punch on Grodd. Man, Grodd saw that shit coming, blocked the shot…

GOT’EM!

 

…ate all of Barry’s speed punches like that shit was an appetizer…
…and put his ass through the windoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooows, through the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalls. He knocks Barry across some service tracks and with the impact damaging the mind control blocker thingy, it’s open season. Iris gets on the comm link and tells Barry to use her voice as a beacon (Flash Fact: in comic book terms, to use her as a lightning rod, as Wally West refers to Linda Park).

Via Arrow Cave Tumblr.
Via ArrowCave.Tumblr

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Barry is able to do so and avoid the train Grodd was going to have him get run over with. Barry lures Grodd to attack him and moves just in time as the second train comes through. Man, public transit in Central City must be sharp, cause if that was NYC? That 2nd train would have been held up by traffic and delayed as a mofo.

Barry gets Joe to the hospital, Cisco is asking if Grodd saw Age Of Ultron and discussed it with him while he was held hostage. “He thought Ultron stole his whole gimmick, Cisco.” Joe and Iris reconcile, then Barry finds Iris and they discuss this whole mess of feelings between them.

Iris still needs Eddie found, saying that’s the man she lives with and loves….

Barry: Boooooo! I mean… ooookay. I’ll find him… I may take my time with that…. but I’ll find him. But after that though?

Back at Wells lair we see him put the finishing touches on another particle accelerator.

Wells/Eobard: It’s time to go home *sobbing can be heard in the background* …Eddie? Are you crying down there?
Eddie: YES! 30% is over the fact that Iris and I don’t get married… but the other 70% is for that hairline of yours. I mean seriously.
Wells/Eobard: …I hate this place.

 

Evil Bird Man (Plan Almost Complete) Hand Rub

 

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  • Omar Holmon is a content editor that is here to make .gifs, obscure references, and find the correlation between everything Black and Nerdy.

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