Archer has no shortage of characters that are both funny as all hell and are world beating assholes. That dysfunctional spy agency got more drama than Shondaland Thursdays. Over six seasons the CIA contracted group formerly known as a drug cartel formerly known as ISIS, everybody has gotten their time to shine, but for me, Pam Poovey aka The White Pumpkin aka Chupacara (for sex) gotta be Top Five Dead or Alive.
1). “Hit the gym for two weeks, my back all chiseled. Elbows unique now, meet the new me.”
In the pilot episode of Archer, there’s a flashback scene where Sterling straight up assaulted Pam (voiced by the incredible Amber Nash) with a stuffed dolphin. Sterling beat Pam down to the white meat with a miniature version of one the world’s smartest mammals, fam.
Fast forward to Pam taking the Field Test exam which produced, as Krieger put, “soul crushing” video of Pam going Cloverfield on everyone. That shit looked like Blair Witch project meets [insert hate crime here]. I can only assume that once the cameras cut off, what followed was some Grodd go loose on Central City type shit. But by the time that episode happens in season four, we already knew the deal because of #2.
2). “And one n!!!!a done took his shirt off talkin’ about, now who else wanna fuck with Hollywood Cole!?”
Pam been living a double life (though not in secret) where she’s the HR director for Spy Agency (ok that part is supposed to be secret) and street brawler at night. In the episode where she gets kidnapped instead of Cheryl Tunt (Tum again?), we learn that Cinder Block Jaw Pam paid for her college degree by wrapping the fist in gauze and glass doing the underground bloodsport circuit. Pam been getting paid since undergrad to knock cats out like an anesthesiologist. Not to mention, Pam got the hardest back-tatt in the game.
One, let’s be clear, those 13 hashmarks are bodies, yo. Pam puttin’ murder numbers on the board. Two, for those that don’t speak Lord Byron’s Old English font, this joint says:
“For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast, and breathed in the face of the foe as he passed; and the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill, and their hearts but once heaved, forever grew still!”
The only way that shit could be any harder is if it was Kendrick’s “Control” verse with a small portrait of Big Sean crying into his palms at the bottom.
3). “Pour up. Drank. Headshot. Drank. Sit Down. Drank. Stand up. Drank. Pass Out. Drank. Wake Up. Drank. Faded. Drank. Faded. Drank.”
Forget about what stereotypes you have about folks that are Pam’s size, her metabolism must be like Barry Allen on that all-juice diet. Pam puts the substances away like drug mules when they hear a raid is coming. Sure, it’s hard to be called the top drinker on a show with Sterling and Malory, but nobody is up on this white Russian game like Pam.
Then there was the time she got kicked out of Jamaica but not without ripping stank for a whole season. And oh yeah, Pam loved cocaine for a whole season and found the most innovative ways to get that fix (yogurt, smoothies, snow cones).
During season five (Archer Vice), you could catch Pam posted up in the Tuntmore house, with about sixty pounds of weight loss eating some coke Parmesan with asparagus tips dipped in fine China.
Pam has had more shit pumped through her system than Star City in Arrow and she still shows up on time for work.
4). “I’m trying to hit about two of them girls cuz that’s just what I’m used to.”
Quick name a core member of the Archer crew that hasn’t had sex with Pam. Ok, Ray Gillette is a core member now, so not him. But that’s the only one because Pam ran through the whole crew like 2 Live Crew in 1984 Miami.
Adam Reed and crew could’ve made Pam the stereotypical, plus size office employee who gets picked on all the time (which does happen), but the fact that Pam got everybody’s scalp on her belt lets you know she’s gives zero fucks about your fat-shaming.
Not only has she had “relationships” with everyone from Malory (the threesome in “Swiss Miss” and her open marriage with Ron) to the physically perfect and seemingly unattainable Lana Kane (“Dial M for Mother”), apparently Pam is the Pele of intercourse.
Also, Pam don’t discriminate, no matter what sex organs you are packing, you’re all fair game for Pam.
Since the first season, Pam’s confidence has been on fleek…
5). “I tell ’em Bridge or Tunnel, give a fuck how I come across.”
Look, Archer might be the insult capital of world, but Pam might give the absolute zero level of fucks out of all of them. The insult game is Pam Poovey and that’s all there is to it. I’ll let the gifs do the walkin’…
Archer is one of those shows where 5 different people could all have a different favorite character on the show. But Pamela Da Gawd Poovey is building her animated Hall of Fame resume. And with that, some last words of wisdom from Poovey herself…
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