An Open Letter to Red Tornado: DON’T EVEN SAY NOTHIN’ TO ME, BOYYYYY

Dear Red Tornado,

Listen, man. Back in May I really tried to give this Supergirl show some credit because cape TV could definitely use more women headliners. I was genuine in thinking that a cute romcom-like atmosphere wasn’t the worst place to start, and perhaps I am also seriously, desperately hoping it won’t be another Show Which Shall Not Be Named. But when your big reveal as the first impressive villain on the list — other than maybe Hank Henshaw (c’mon, y’all Lumberjack? Toyman?) — looks like this? The android “ultimatesuperweapon”?

RedTornado1

Got damn! Red Tornado. Buddy.  I know it’s gotta be tough enough already with your name literally being [color] + [weather condition]. Plus all the confusion with the different identities in your backstory, and spending years trying to convince the hero community you can be more human and trustworthy, only to be possessed and wreak massive havoc, but still. In the grand tradition of BNP roast sessions, I just can’t let this one slide. Trust me bro, better me than Omar Holmon. Really.

*sets timer*

*DEEP INHALE*

Boyyyyy, you comin’ in here with your fruit punch Beetleborg-lookin’ ass.
Lookin’ like Rita Repulsa’s booty call.
Lookin’ like a pack of pissed off Twizzlers.
Lookin’ like Fall Out Boy ate a bag of Gushers.
Lookin’ like you was tryna cosplay Iron Man with Betty Crocker boxes.
Lookin’ like you ‘bout to get destroyed in laser tag.
Lookin’ like the Kool-Aid Man’s sad cousin.
Lookin’ like a cherry-dipped Daredevil.
Lookin’ like  Beetlejuice’s back pimple.
Lookin’ like the lovechild of C3PO and a fire hydrant.
Lookin’ like Elmo hitting puberty. I don’t know whether to be scared of you or feel sad for you.

"Elmo confused of all these body changes."
“Elmo confused of all these body changes.”

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Lookin’ like the Starburst nobody wanted.
Lookin’ like the wrong side of a Taylor Swift album.
Lookin’ like you came straight out the Good Humor truck’s freezer.
Lookin’ like Clifford the Dog’s chewtoy.
Lookin’ like Strawberry Shortcake’s ugly brother.
Lookin’ like the Red Ribbon Army’s leftovers.
Lookin’ like Darth Maul’s leftover make up.
Lookin’ like you ‘bout to tell the Power Rangers to stay off your lawn.
Lookin’ like a craisin on steroids.
Lookin’ like tumblr fanart of an Angry Bird.
Lookin’ like a reject from the set of Gumby.
Lookin’ like a khaleesi pregnancy ceremony gone wrong.

*TIME!*

For your sake and the probable sake of me investing in this show, go change your costume. Now. I mean it, bruh. Don’t catch these hands again.

RedTornado2

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  • Lauren Bullock

    Contributor

    Lauren is a writer, performer, and reincarnated sailor senshi. She enjoys long walks in the woods and fighting crime as a costumed vigilante of many aliases.

  • Show Comments

  • adam

    yo, is that red denim? who makes an android with a hook nose?

  • GK1

    he’s pretty much a giant MEGO doll.
    I don’t know HOW anyone approved this shit.
    BUT…we all bitched about the Flash’s costume too and it works for him, so FINGERS CROSSED….

    …behind my back

  • oldmanhowlett

    Savage. Hilariously savage.

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