Season: 6 / Episode: 8 / HBO
***Spoilers be running through these Braavosi streets trying not to get merked by killas with bad haircuts***
Fam, if this play was on Broadway, I might pay some insane ticket prices every week just to watch Joffrey keep drinking that drank and losing that chakra. Then I’d hand my popcorn to someone outside and tell them where my seat was at. I’m good, that’s all I came for, I’ll be back next week. Lady Crane finishes getting her more compassionate than Cersei ever was performance on and finds Arya bleeding out behind the stage. She takes Arya back to her spot and stitches her up. Apparently, Lady Crane was someone’s “old lady” on Sons of Anarchy and she know all about this “you done did some dumb shit and now I gotta close your wound for you” type shit. Arya asks her about the girl that she blamed the poison on:
[quote_simple]Arya: What happened to the girl that tried to kill you?[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Lady Crane: Oh, I took a blade and signed my name across her face. Why do you ask?[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Arya: No reason.[/quote_simple]
Damn, fake Sansa on Broadway, I hate it had to be you.
Look yo, as intolerant as Thrones is these days, I’m not here to critique dudes chillin’ in the woods and teaching each other how to kiss, except I’m sure there’s a lot of fraternities that got put on suspension for hazing exactly like this. But then the Dean, Sandor Clegane comes through and shuts down the frat house for good. For the record, it was like three ax swings, three confirmed kills. How in the hell did these dudes slaughter a whole congregation? Of course the last dude Clegane kills gets a second chance at his last word and he wasted it on the c-word. And not even a cool c-word, like caesaropapism or crinigerous. Personally, I would’ve said Valar Morghulis and tried to go out on that thug life. I mean, when your intestines are falling out on the ground with a 6’8″ dude holding an ax above you, you really ain’t got shit to lose.
Danaerys’ rep so thorough in these Meereen streets that her street team out here preaching the gospel for her and she Gone Till November. Tyrion patting himself on the back for bringing the city back. Varys is like, yeah, but these fanatics be on some fuckboy shit, but whateva. Varys is going on a secret mission to get some support from Westeros and him and Tyrion do The Color Purple clap before he leaves.
Cersei doing what Cersei does: day drinking alone in her chambers. It’s possible that Cersei is like the final form of Olivia Pope, fam.
So listen, I know faith is very important to people. It gives folks purpose, understanding, guidance, etc. But these dudes lookin’ at the Mountain like, I know I pledged my life to the Seven, but I did not signup for this shit. I need to know more details about the afterlife before I throw my life away to a 7 foot zombie who is basically Ragnarok personified. Also, I don’t know if Lancel was expecting Cersei to give him the “we’ve slept together before” discount on obeying this command, but Cersei looking at him like, cousin, you ain’t the first or last blood relative I’ve taken into the bed fam, you ain’t that kind of special. Of course, the “I was ready to leave this earth anyway” award goes to dude that tried to preemptively attack the Mountain and ended up getting a retractable roof installed on his dome.
Brienne and Podrick roll up on River Run and see that Lannisters done started barbecuing on the Tully’s front lawn and shit.
[quote_simple]Lannister Guard: Who are you and what do you want?[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Brienne: Tell Jaime Lannister that his boo from Tarth is here. I got that good Oathkeeper for him. He knows what this is.[/quote_simple]
Pod is chillin, when Bron sneaks up on him like those annoying bullies that still think noogies are cool. I’d say it’s flattering for Brienne that Bron wants to make sweet passionate siege music with her, but Bron kind of wants to do that with every female organism that can still draw breath. And then, we’re reminded that Podrick is Ron Jeremy with the “magic cock.” Good time to remind everyone that there was once upon a time Game of Thrones was defined by big battles and political intrigue. I feel like Walter in Big Lebowski as now I just look at the camera and say, “dick jokes, dude.”
[quote_simple]Brienne: Why are you surprised?[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Jaime: Well, girls like that, don’t usually survive.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Audience: I’M SAYIN[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Brienne: Didn’t think you knew too many girls like that.[/quote_simple]
Jaime and Brienne arguing politics, but really they both looking at that big ass table being completely unused and going to waste. Brienne tells Jaime that she’s going to try and convince the Blackfish to surrender and Jaime is like, why you wanna go through all that trouble girl when we got this private tent and campfires poppin off?
Inside the castle, Brienne probably wondering why she didn’t just Siege and Chill with Jaime when she had the chance. Blackfish out here blocking all her requests like Mutumbo. She claims she coming to broker the peace on behalf of Sansa, but Blackfish like, yeah, you still smell like Lannister. I ain’t fallin’ for that shit. Brienne breaks it down for him and finally convinces Blackfish that this shit is legit with Sansa needing help, but dude still ain’t giving up his home without a fight.
When Cersei walk up in the throne room, people staring at her like she got the scarlet letter and shit. But instead of a big ass A on her chest, it’s an undead Shaquille O’Neal walking behind her. If this were a nightclub, Cersei the only person in this muthafucka that brought her own bouncer.
Enter Tommen. Well, I wish some fuckin’ backbone would enter Tommen. I ain’t sayin’ I miss Joffrey, cuz I don’t. What I’m sayin’ is Cersei’s and Jaime’s plan to take the kingdom back from the Sparrows and Margaery Tyrell should’ve included making another bastard kid. THIRD INCESTUOUS SON IS A CHARM, RIGHT?!?! It’s at this moment, that we should all realize that the Sand Snakes (as god awful as they were) were probably right and that Myrcella should be the Baratheon child on the throne. Ain’t no way she would do worse than her two brothers. Of course, she thought having her uncle be her father was like doubly cool, so maybe not.
Across the Narrow Sea, her youngest brother Tyrion is celebrating himself for getting Meereen back on track and getting Grey Worm and Missandei to drink. Like, aggressively, so. I was ready to hate this scene, because Tyrion monologues ain’t as interesting as they used to be 3 seasons ago, but then the “jokes” start up. Missandei tells her joke and Grey Worm is like, Missandei, you’re gorgeous, but you gotta better gifts than that.
They finally start laughing at each other, but the bells start going off on the town and Grey Worm gotta see what the deal is. Apparently Tyrion was overconfident because the Masters he thought he manipulated have come to collect what belongs to them. If we keeping it One Hunned, Tyrion ain’t been that right about much since season 2.
Jaime goes to visit Edmure Tully in his captivity. Jaime tries to convince him to turn over the castle and this shit starts with Edmure trying to read Jaime about how the Lannisters are basically terrorists to Westeros. Also, I’m surprised that Jaime doesn’t get the anime hashtag over his forehead every time someone calls him Kingslayer like the way that Edward Elrich in Full Metal Alchemist gets mad every time someone calls him small.
So, Tommen. I’m sorry. I hate your gummy bear spine having ass, but my bad. Because, while you are built from chew-able vitamins and hand me down tonka trucks, you are still a boy. Edmure is a man grown. He ain’t got no fuckin’ excuse. I would make a big bad wolf joke about Edmure walking up to the castle drawbridge, but ain’t nobody ever mistook this muthafucka for being intimidating. Blackfish up on the catwalk like, fuck no, do not let that dude in, but the Tullys are a dying house for a reason and they feel like they can’t disobey their lord…even though dude been in San Quentin for the last year or so and was literally getting it in with his new wife while his fam was getting slaughtered downstairs. Weak ass dudes man. That’s why your sigil is a gotdamn trout (no offense Pisces). Blackfish is like, nah, prank caller, prank caller, but he’s outnumbered and the Tullys let in Edmure. Man, listen. You knew what this was when dude didn’t even speak to his uncle but went right upstairs to give the order to surrender. Fam, you didn’t even want a night to think this over? How you surrender your home and you ain’t even wipe your feet off on the doormat yet?
Judas Tully then orders them to capture his uncle and put him in chains? Dude that went against the Blackfish looking at Edmure like, apologies my Lord…but I didn’t know…you would resort so quickly…to the fuckboy shit.
Usually when the older generation be complaining about millennials and shit, it’s rooted in straight bullshit, but in Westeros, they got fuckin’ reason, fam. If I run a great house and the end looms near, but I got some punk ass heirs? Nah man. Bury me a G and my titles with me. Let them dudes take up Rivers or Snow as their surname and fend for them fucking selves.
Brienne and Pod try to get Blackfish to escape with them, but dude is like, yeah, my knees ain’t what they used to be and my arthritis don’t like the cold, so y’all good without me. Blackfish got his Bodie on and rather die than let them take his corner without a fight.
Fam, across the Narrow Sea, the “masters” got Meereen looking like Pompeii and shit. I’ve played enough Civilization IV to know that when muthafuckas got 100 ships launching fire at your pyramids, that shit is almost a wrap. Grey Worm is tired of Tyrion’s shit cuz dude was wrong and basically cleared a path for the masters to come deliver the fade. Shit sounds like the fight got real close and I got real tense because when I thought that Missandei might be in danger, I almost quit this show on the spot. But then Daenerys walked in like, um, THE FUCK DID Y’ALL DO WHILE I WAS GONE?!
The Hound roll up on the Brotherhood in the woods while they are about to hang the dudes that merked the settlement. They negotiate that Clegane can kill two of them, which is a good bargain considering there were only three dudes in the gallows to begin with. Clegane kills one and don’t even wait for dude to choke out before he took his boots off. That’s like someone breaking up with you and then calling up your best friend to make dinner plans before they even get out of your car. Just some cold ass shit man. Brotherhood trying to convince Clegane to join them and he resisting, but dude literally has nothing else to do.
Arya getting that good morphine sleep on with Lady Crane attending to her.
[quote_simple]Nicole: I’m just now watching it. Why are Bobcut and Arya reenacting a Termniator scene?[/quote_simple]
AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHH, GET OUT OF MY MIND PALACE HOMER!!!
But seriously, considering that she can alter her appearance and shit, Bobcut might actually be the T-1000 from T-2: Judgment Day. She walking like she ain’t never had a bus to catch.
Bleeding and hobbled, Arya finally makes it back to her shelter and Bobcut-1000 followers her there. Arya grabs Needle but we all like…yeah, I don’t think it really matters at this point, before we start writing off another Stark. Then she cuts the lights out and we like, WAIT. Back to the Murdock training?!?!
YOU MY MUTHAFUCKA ARYA! I feel like I can claim you in public again.
Not-Jacqen down in the Hall of Faces and sees a blood trail, so he already knows this shit ain’t great. He finally finds where it leads and there’s T-Bob’s face added to the collection. Arya framed that shit like it was a housewarming present. Arya standing behind Not-Jacqen and is like, “you told Harpo to beat me.” Not-Jacqen ain’t got shit to say, so he gonna act like he proud of her and shit. Dude really got off easy. I was expecting Arya, having just killed his apprentice, to give Not-Jacqen the same line that Marlo gave Prop Joe.
[quote_simple]Not-Jacqen: Finally, a girl has become no one.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Arya: Nah Pleighboy. A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell. And you gonna put some respeck on my name. Now is we finished or is we done?[/quote_simple]
— Black Nerd Problems (@blknrdproblems) June 13, 2016