Season 3 / Episode 7, “Hilter” / AMC

Come one, come all! Welcome to the most #ungodly comic book adaptation on earth!

We open up episode 7 with…Hitler. Making sandwiches. At a strip mall. In some small town. Random as all hell (no pun intended). After dipping on Eugene straight out the gate from Hell, the broke leg despot is getting comfortable back on the Earthly realm. No lie, Hitler is serving up the bomb ass sammiches, double meat AND double cheese!?!? I digress, but, somehow he’s getting away with not being noticed. Note, the clever rearranging of his name to the complex anagram: Hilter! This is that suspension of disbelief BS that allows Clark and Superman to be indistinguishable because of some glasses and Shea Moisture hair product.

Either way, ’employee of the month’ “David Hilter” (really though? Hitler chose a Jewish name? Levels to this ish!) is looking at the world with new eyes. No he not. On his lunch break, he literally starts regressing back to his old podium grandstanding, fake milly rocking self!

Trying to rally his fellow mall employees to take a world ‘ripe for a Third Reich’. After his break, he’s writing up the new Reich corporate structure on a napkin when a customer comes in: The Saint of Killers! Hitler protests going back to Hell, The Saint backsmacks the manager into a fridge, and we see Hitler joining the chain gang with Eugene en route to Hell. Roll opening credits.

Angelville. Jesse and Tulip send Madame Boyd’s body into the swamp and light it aflame. Tulip apologizes to Jesse, Jesse apologizes to Sabina’s flaming corpse. Helicopter blades signal the arrival of The Grail; Herr Starr and Featherstone meet Jesse at the front door.

Cassidy regales the Infant Du Sangre with tales about the hard drugs of the sixties while sucking at pool. He offers some insight on letting the past go. Eccarius joins the gathering and takes Cassidy aside. He offers Cass a luxurious coffin to sleep in, and he scoffs at the idea. Eccarius issues the ask to have Cass turn Lisa (aka Birdgirl666 from the vamp dating app) into a real creature of the night. After some back and forth, he says no. Shortly after, Lisa lets Cass in on the truth of “flight” offered by the Infants: Eccarius sends his emissaries to other countries to create more safe havens for vampires. After that, Cassidy considers the blood ceremony with more gravity.

Back at the dollar store voodoo emporium, Jesse and Starr work over a fully restored Marie L’Angelle (she ate a soul!) in hopes of getting Jesse some time away from Angelville. Aggresive negotiations on deck.

Starr offers Marie a slew of backhanded offers (after cleverly noting her ‘slave quarters’ (aka the tombs) were empty): rebuilding the Estate, reinstituting slavery (wtf), a ‘Voodoo Granny’ television show, etc. While Starr is flexing the full resources of The Grail, Marie is fiddling about. She unhooks her colostomy bag tube and sets it to pee on Starr’s shoes! She asks for what she wants: souls! Starr says he’s down, and (perpetually) curves a call from Agent Hoover.

Hoover rolls up into an old-looking church and heads right to the confession booth. He makes a confession we all might have had at one point. After confessing, the whole booth drops down into a secret basement area where clergy members are getting their Patrick Swayze in Road House training on. Hoover asks the Montsenior if he can help him catch a vampire.

We return to Angelville to find Tulip and Featherstone sitting across the table from one another while TC goes to great lengths to impress the testy agent. The banter between them is great, and the agent mentions Jesse and Genesis, which prompts TC to ask what Genesis is. Both ladies shut him down, and Jody wonders what he did in life to have to watch over this madness.

In the next room, Jesse and Starr collaborate to get Marie a substantial amount of souls from the Japanese company that creates and gathers synthetic and real souls. Starr looks ready to go with Jesse, but in a show of tremendous power, Marie lifts Jesse off the ground by just picking up the bloody handkerchief! She lets Starr know that Jesse ain’t leaving until they get her them souls.

Featherstone and Tulip get into it, throwing hands all up in the kitchen. Jesse and Starr enter to issue orders: they’re both being sent to Osaka, Japan to break into the soul warehouse. Oh yeah, and Jody is going with them. Plus, they’re going undercover as Grail agents. Tulip takes a sidebar with Jesse and spills her self-doubt, Jesse talks her down from the O’Hare curse of screwing up.

Cut to: Eccarius and Cass doing the fly by night thing.

They hit the bar and Cass works on his glamour powers, he gets training wheels from Eccarius, and they kiss up on some folks. Outside the bar, Cass and Eccarius (in cat form) are kicking it on the curb. Little do they know they are under the watchful eye of Agent Hoover and the God Squad.

Back at Angelville, the infiltration team of Jody, Tulip, and Featherstone prep to head out. Tulip kisses Jesse goodbye, and Featherstone shows that she has some feelings for Herr Starr. Starr curves the hell out of her, and it’s hilarious!

Marie calls Jesse into her den and actually gives a damn about whether Jesse leaves. She starts off really sweet, then threatens to tear him in half and eat his soul like she did his mother! Jesse hugs her close and promises to return, with the most murderous eyes this side of the Mason-Dixon.

Eccarius and Cassidy are gallivanting about town when they are ambushed by Hoover and the Catholic Seal Team Six. Shit goes sideways real quick, and Eccarius gets pinned down. Cassidy gets tagged with tranquilizer darts but takes those for fun, and he takes out the team while Hoover books it out of there. Cass finds Eccarius’ clothes and starts tearing up, only to get crept up on by a mouse bearing Eccarius’ voice. Eccarius returns to his normal form and embraces Cassidy, and the two enter a deep kiss.

On the flight to Japan, the motley trio rub each other the wrong way the whole time, Tulip is in for one hell of a time.

In New Orleans, Eccarius starts up the car to take Lisa to the airport for her ‘flight.” They get all packed up and load the whip, Eccarius blasts some OG opera jams, looks Lisa in the eye, and then proceeds to bite her throat out! He drives out of the garage and heads to some abandoned lot, where there are dozens of vampire bodies burned to ash in the daylight. So yeah, there is no “flight.”

Cut to: a white, unmarked SUV rolling on the Louisiana highway. Starr and Jesse are talking next steps. Starr asks Jesse to promise not to betray him when he gets Genesis back, or he can’t take Jesse to his soul. Jesse agrees, gets his head bagged, and taken to some secret Grail HQ.

We come back to Cassidy, sound asleep in his baller ass coffin. Eccarius enters, kisses Cass softly and closes the casket.

Starr assures Jesse they’re on the same side and that from here on in, he’ll need all of Jesse’s trust. Starr says that if he wants his soul, he’ll need to kill ‘him.” Jesse responds, “Kill who?” as the doors open to reveal the AllFather while Starr puts a gun to Jesse’s head. Episode 7 ends.

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  • Poet, MC, Nerd, All-Around Problem. Lover of words, verse, and geek media from The Bronx, NYC.

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