Awful movie maker (and even worse surprise twist enthusiast) M. Night Shyamalan is back at it with a new movie, Glass. What is Glass about, you ask? Well, let’s try to unpack that. It seems M. Night has found himself worthy to have his own cinematic universe, featuring characters from 2 of his more memorable movies (Unbreakable and Split). Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, and James McAvoy step back into their previous roles as men who suffer from ‘delusions of grandeur’, believing themselves to be superheroes. Yeahhh…we don’t get much more than that, which once again begs the question: What is Glass about? Peep the trailer to decide for yourself.
It could be about mole people rising up to take over Earth, and this trio banding together to combat such heinous evil. It could be about these three escaping their mental institution to form the M. Nightverse Legion of Doom. With this psychiatric approach, it could literally be about any absurd or ridiculous thing…then, it’ll turn into a completely different movie for the last 20 mins. That’s how this man works, and audiences eat that shit up. Me? I’m not having it. How many times is M. Night going to get blessed with millions of dollars only to create some wack-ass false story that doesn’t pay off in the end? Let’s jump into all the times ya boy let me down.
Yup. Coming out the gates, swinging Holyfield haymakers! If you don’t get the fuck up out my face with this Little Shop of Horrors wanna-be remix track. If it ain’t Nightshade or a Venus Flytrap? Then your plant is trash, son! Ain’t a chlorophyll-filled organism on Bast’s green Earth that gone put me six feet under…or hung from a tree like so many people in this one. I refuse! I will burn down every rainforest on every continent before I let a damn elm tree murk out me and mines. How you got the whole Earf in panic mode, being taken out by an unknown force, then reveal what turns out to be the truest thing M. Night ever wrote — the planet is tired of humans shitting on her every orifice. Yeah, I like the idea; but you gotta come harder in the execution, son!
If there was ever a chance for him to win on a grand scale, it was with Will Smith at the center of this big budget, space exploration movie After Earth. It was a completely different concept from what M. Night typically tried his hand in, but his surprise-movie-making nature seemed to be perfectly suited for. What happened with this unsuspecting, anything-could-happen-now-that-Earth-has-been-abandoned-and-we-on-a-strange-new-planet story? That shit bombed bigger than Hiroshima. The marketing department said ‘we don’t want none of that Night name’ to further taint what critics were calling a horrendous movie. After Earth dropped, barely made back production / marketing costs, and became the low point in Sham’s career.
OK, bet. There’s this mysterious village in the middle of the woods practicing all this 18th century creepy Pagan shit, right. Joaquin Phoenix wants to venture into the woods ‘cuz he tired of this Salem-Witch-Trials-meets-Revolutionary-War-reenactment shit. Also, ‘cuz he’s the inquisitive, strapping young lad ’round town. Instead, the elders is like ‘na, fuck that shit. Those We Don’t Speak Of Cuz They Bullshit will get you out there. We got a truce like the Treaty of Versailles, fam. We stay here, they stay in the forest. Oh no, someone is hurt! We must sends a villager to a nearby town for medicine, but we dare not send an able-bodied person. Let’s send the local blind girl’. Flash-forward a couple days, turns out this village is just a bunch of non-conformists who just want to live in the middle of the woods to avoid the horrors of society (or paying Sallie Mae and Spectrum). They are a solid mile from a highway, and need to grow the fuck up and get with the times. This movie was horrendous.
Lady in The Water
By this point I straight-up excommunicated M. Night from my “maybe I’ll give this movie a shot list” and didn’t dare go see this Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford What Lies Beneath remix about a woman who lives in a pool at an apartment complex? Somehow, she’s really a fawn (or some other fairytale creature) who escaped her land, but is trying to return home? The people at the apartment decide to help (sure, that happens in real life) because there are creatures hunting her to bring her back? Then, her and the apartment custodian fall in love?Did I get that right? Who paid for this crap? I’ll give Sham one thing though, he knows how to cast like no other. Paul Giamatti and Jeffery Wright?! All-Star hitters right there!
WATER. H-2-Fuckin’-0 is the ultimate weapon against the aliens! Who knew sentient beings intelligent enough to travel LIGHT-YEARS to another planet of conscious beings would be so susceptible to the NUMBER ONE RESOURCE on the planet they’re traveling to?! Are you fucking kidding me? You market this movie as the answer to all those crop circles that have baffled experts and enamored conspiracy theorists for decades, and that answer was? 9-foot-tall aliens who look like green Putties from Power Rangers, shuddering at the sight of a cup of water like slugs getting the salt sprinkle torture rack?!?
The Last Airbender
Don’t get me fucking started..
Unbreakable was great, The 6th Sense was god-tier, and Split was an interesting movie that unfortunately didn’t deliver in the end. Besides that, Night can take his whole catalog to he–… You know what. That’s just my anger talking. I’ma need your boy to come harder this time around if he’s trying to win us over again is all I’m saying.
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