Two Dope Boys And Attack On Titan Said ‘Stop Wasting My Tiiiiiiime’

Original Art by SamDelaTorre

***Sometimes you just minding your own damn business during Mother’s Day weekend, and then Attack on Titan drops one of the illest episodes TV for the year, so you know that fellow members of the Survey Corps Omar Holmon and William Evans had to team up to take down that Titan on this episode. All the spoilers for Episode 32: Close Combat***

William: [In my Archer Voice]: So uh, what we doing, we just jumping right into this thing or what?

Omar: Seriosuly guys, …Are we not doing the “Eren Jaeger watching Petra get stomped Yell” anymore cause I think we should bring that back into the mix.

Especially after seeing what went down with Eren vs Reiner (the armored damn titan) Wrestlemania match

William: Fam, wait, that’s the main event, my Titan. We gotta warm up to that shit first. Can we talk about how fuckin’ ride or die, death before dishonor, bury me with my 3D maneuverability gear the squad is first? First off, ain’t nobody ever said the word traitor with more fuckin disgust in their voice than Eren Jaeger, fam. While in a free fall. Your boy was experiencing the most hyped rollercoaster hill ever created and your dude was still focused on how pissed off he was about being betrayed. Your boy terraformed himself into a right cross, he couldn’t even be bothered to hit the ground before he delivered Reiner the fade, yo.

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Even before that, when MIKASA TRIED TO WIDOW BARON THESE CATS WHILE THEY WERE IN HUMAN FORM. I say gotdamn! Then was mad at herself for not decapitating these dudes when she had the chance?! She basically gave herself the “weakness disgusts me” pep talk. Last but not least, Hange making the call to be like, Oh, the Colossal Titan? Dude is legit taller than anything ever created? He 20 feet away and we could escape? Naw, whoever bring me that nape gets off cleaning duty next castle we hit. WE DO NOT SOW.

Can we talk about how fuckin’ ride or die, death before dishonor, bury me with my 3D maneuverability gear the squad is first? Omar: Yo, Hange needs more credit, she’s the inventor / science version of Levi. Hanjie does not give a fuck in the least bit, form, or fashion. The colossal titan staring you down, fuck it run up on him. Armored titan out here? Fuck it. Steal on’em. Hange is ready to get all up in the thick of it.

Speaking on the armored titan, this dude Reiner is in the fucking Dark Knight 2 bat suit crossing Eren the fuck over. He punched Eren’s jaw off, then when we thought Eren got the faux second wind hit this guy so hard in the dome he fucking spiraled like a nerf vortex football. Remember how them shits whistled while they spun? Eren ain’t even have a tune in his head but he was damn sure singing through the air boi.

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William: BRUH. Reinarmor hit Eren like Saitama and I think we were all shocked his ass got off the mat, yo. Hit Eren so hard he sterilized his ass man. My gawd. If you think about hitting someone as hard as Reinarmor hit Eren, you gonna get hit with an attempted murder charge off jump. Shit was ruthless. Gotta respect Eren getting off the mat though, Roger Rabbit style, just peeling his body off the ground and bending towards the light and shit. What yoga move even is that, fam? Your boy for real stood up dick first. Meanwhile, Mikasa using up all the gas trying to get to him, silently screaming that Adrian, “YOU CAN’T WIN!”

But yo, back to the wall right quick. Why the Colossal Titan for real air out his mixtape and burn the Corps back one time? They went for the nape and he was like, yeah, I got that steam jutsu if you wantestmenow.

Omar: Colossal Titan let that Project Heat knock man. That’s that radiator doesn’t turn off, stay sun-surface hot, and knocks throughout the night, heat. That’s the Colossal Titan’s steam. It’s dope to see that his alternative for being slow, which was keeping people at bay and not having them run up his red vines, Twizzlers, roadmap of his exposed veins and carve’em up. He wasn’t even full form, he formed from the waist up and gave everyone a long division ass problem they couldn’t the work on.

Then this guy straight up ate Ymir, man. He popped Ymir in his mouth like she was an aspirin but we didn’t see him swallow her (passing up so many sex jokes right now) so she’s straight held captive in his jaw as far as we know.

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William: Yeah, props due, cuz Hange for real had a bounty out on your boy and that shit was looking like goodnight. Your boy swallowed two corps members like he was poppin’ some Dexedrine, then went into straight up Gaara Absolute Defense mode.

He punched Eren’s jaw off, then when we thought Eren got the faux second wind hit this guy so hard in the dome he fucking spiraled like a nerf vortex football.Ok, I can’t wait any longer fam. The flashback. THE FLASHBACK. One of the illest flashbacks in Titan history fam. Eren sees he can’t sit, be cool or fuck with the Armored Titan. Mikasa done broke off about four blades on your boy. He had to remember what his last nemesis taught him. Nah, you ain’t got that bulk, you going up against the bully, you better master that leverage bending. Your dude flashing back to Annie straight up clowning your boy man.

Nah, you gonna get this mythos today! Eren got locked up by the shoulder and returned to the earth mad times, asking, why am I remembering this now? CUZ YOU DONE LOOKED UP IN THE SKY AND SAW THE MUFASA TITAN TO REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE EREN, THAT’S WHY. You the same dude that merked some grown ass men when you were still wearing short pants, Armored Titan ain’t got shit on you fam. What are we even talkin’ about?!

Omar: Eren had to go back to the jiu-jitsu mats circa Annie. It’s one thing to get crossed over, but its another thing when you got Annie putting you in the fucking Rock Bottom then holding on after your soul done came up out your body due to the impact and sink in the fucking Coquina Clutch.

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Annie was talking all that shit to Eren bout needing to learn, then in comes motherfucking Reiner flying through the air and landing on Eren like dude is a foam pit. That camera panned to the left and we see Mikasa chucked his ass like deuces and is giving Annie the Jim from The Office stare into the camera.

William: CAN WE UNPACK REINER FLYING THROUGH THE AIR THOUGH?

Omar: Reiner went all the way up like the Wright Brothers and came down like the Hindenburg, my guy.

William: Reiner went up like Space Jam and came down like Joe Frazier.

Omar: Reiner was in a dance hall, went up when she threw it back on’em, and came down when he climaxed but she kept goin’.

William: Reiner went up like Smokey’s voice and came down like Red after Debo knocked his ass out.

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Omar: Reiner went up seeing a Person of Color with dialogue in the movie trailer, found out that they didn’t make the final cut, and came down like [insert whitewashed movie flops of past, present and future]’s sales.

William: Man, you know I fux with Mikasa, but why she have to make Reiner catch big air like that man? Up off his feet fam? Shit is crazy. And she came walkin’ up like that shit didn’t’ even make her break a sweat. Just to be like, “Ayo Annie, I heard you got some new shit. Let me hold that.” Still, the funniest part was everybody acting like this the Pay Per View fight they been waiting dumb long to see.

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Omar: They Pay Per Viewed us for that! We don’t even get to see how that ended. They straight “pay for play”‘d us. Back in the present Eren like who won that title fight again? Why am I remembering this? Oh, that’s right, CAUSE I’M BACK OFF OF MY OL DUMB SHIT. Eren remembered he too is initiated and came at Reinarmor with the BJ Penn Submission he Kakashi’d off Annie. He took Reiner down to the mats and started working that arm like he was in New Japan Pro Wrestling. He put son in the Shinsuke Nakamura Armbar, then Shinsuke’s triangle, and then passed Reinarmor’s guard (figuratively and literally) before putting him in Becky Lynch’s Disarmer arm-bar submission finisher, and ain’t even go for the tap! Eren went for the snap.

William: Maaaan, I could hear the Sin City in Eren’s voice when he tossed away that arm like “I took away his weapons…” Sheeeiiiit, he tossed Reinarmor’s forearm like it was a piece of lint that got caught on him and returned that shit to the earth. I was like FUUUUUCK, Eren really did remember those techniques and awakened his Sharingan. With all the death he’s seen, that shit should’ve went straight to Mangeyko if we keepin’ it 100. But also, the cheering section of the corps got me, man. They don’t get many wins, fam. They’re like the only fans remaining at the Gotham Rogues game after Bane done brought down the whole stadium and merked the mayor and shit, but then the last football players alive still got to play for a couple of quarters and the Rogues still got the W.

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Bruh, we gonna talk about when Reinarmor started saying, eff this, you just getting the wall breaker attack from here on out? Like, Reinarmor became the dude in Street Fighter that don’t know any combos EXCEPT the most powerful one and just keep abusing you with that shit.

Omar: He legit tried to put’em in the corner circa street fighter with that spear tackle. Eren wasn’t even phased tho, I’ma fall anyway. I’ma take this charge. I’ma do this bid up north, send me up for the bid but as you do. “GIMME THAT NECK”! I feel like that’s the motto from here on out. You comin’ for the head of that shit. Reinarmor got caught in the guillotine choke of all guillotine chokes. Then Mikasa cut Reinarmors leg tendons at the back of the knees, all exposed as fuck, NO LEVERAGE! Eren siiiiiiiinked that guillotine choke in like he was trying to pop the top on a bottle of 2011 wine from the Eddard (Ned if you nasties) Stark vineyard collection.

William: He for real tried to upgrade Reinarmor’s whip to the convertible version fam. Drop top. Head pop. I love how Hange was like, a few millennia ago they used to rock armor, and gave you the samurai unlockable fit from Soul Calibur and shit. I love stories that spend so much time in their timeline, but then every once in a while remind you, OH WE BOUT A 1OOO YEARS IN THE FUTURE IN CASE YOU FORGOT. Mikasa took Armin’s blades and came for them tendons, b. Also, Armin is one of my favorite characters, in not just Titans, but any anime, but why does he even have blades man? That ain’t his fight. His fight is figuring shit out before everybody else. He legit is like Mikasa’s caddy on the golf course, just carrying her clubs until she need them. Sizing up titans like, “yeah Ackerman…I’d go with the nine iron from this range.”

But yo GIMME THAT NECK is the motto, the anthem, the fight song for the summer man. Nah, you step up in my hood, talkin’ that shit? GIMME THAT NECK. You on twitter in my mentions cuz you don’t like us talkin’ about all the intersectionality, GIMME THAT NECK. That’s the new dragging yo. Eren did that one for the culture.

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Omar: Eren was also bustin’ Reinarmor’s ass for the whole Survey Corps. I ain’t ever seen someone get so choked out that they start gushin’ from their back dude. Eren busted Reinarmor’s shit like we were watching a gusher commercial from the mid 90’s. This dude was fucking digging in to drag Eren on the ground while crying out in pain. I’m like bruh-bruh just tap out, you already had your arm home run hit into the nosebleeds, let it gooooooo.

Yeah, that wasn’t a titan screamin’ out of pain. This guy dragged Eren RIGHT UNDER THE COLOSSAL TITAN! Dude, The Colossal Titan leaned off the fucking wall for an elbow drop on both Eren and Reinarmor. WHAT. IN. THE. ENTIRE. WRESTLEMANIA MOMENTS ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT? This shit went from a Jiu-jitsu match to Colossal Titan going Jeff Hardy from the top rope.

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What are we even doooooooooin? Eren heard Armin and company from the VIP box shouting “oh noooooo” like the Kool-Aid man, then looked up expecting Mufasa and instead saw the largest titan in the game coming off the top rope for a Daniel Bryan Diving Headbutt (quota for wrasslin moves officially hit now).

William: Maaaan, listen. They legit trying to crush the hope man. Eren finally earning some shit with technique and discipline, but he bout to get the largest People’s Elbow ever. All that being said, this might have been the best shit I’ve seen in animation since Samurai Jack started tossing the daughters of Aku off a cliff.

Omar: If Reiner doesn’t win the Oscar for best Actor of the year, then the Academy is fixed. If we don’t find out who won between Mikasa and Annie, then the whole system is broken and needs to be fixed. Every time humanity gets a lil’ something these titans out here upping the rent, man. The rent for humanity is too damn high!

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2 Readers Commented

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  1. I don’t know what was more money: This episode or this World’s Greatest Tag-Team review, which legit made me want to watch this episode several more times.

  2. Cor B on May 18, 2017

    Please keep doing these, best thing I’ve read all week :)

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